I’m Moving to Spain btw

I didn't post anything about my dad this trip around, which is weird for this here oversharer ain't it? I spent pretty much the entire time I was home next to him, watching TV and the live action Azlheimers show going on around me. You wanna see something funny? Try going to a memory care unit during a birthday party. I've never witnessed a group sing the happy birthday song so many times in a row (they forgot they'd literally just done it two minutes before).

The reason I didn't post anything is because there's not much to post. My dad has become a little docile since his traumatizing trip to the hospital this summer where he was punching nurses. He's still the F-bomb dropping, super affectionate Buddha who says he loves me and that I'm a good daughter, just like before, but now only way more buddha and way less f bombs. I only heard him tell one person to go fuck themselves and that was the nurse when she tried to make him go to the bathroom. He would rather shit himself all day then walk. He's always been lazy, but now his laziness is stubbornness too, so we hope he won't end up in a wheelchair over it.

Most of the day, though, he just sits there and says nothing, staring at a TV show he can't comprehend whatsoever. He seems too lost to have much conversation. Or maybe too frustrated. I just played on my computer next to him and talked to the other patients and the staff, mostly. I think his confusion makes him not want to engage at all out of frustration. He's a smart man and isn't used to not having something clever or offensive to say off the cuff.

This isn't all that new. My dad's relationship with me has always revolved around him watching TV, so I'm not upset by it. But at least he had funny commentary to add to a dumb TV show, a fuck you to the football team who scored, or a joke about how ugly or fat a woman on TV was (the latter I'm not sad at all to see go).

So yeah, there wasn't much to report. He's just not the same man. But he still makes a joke every once in awhile, so that's promising. My stepmom just bought me a ticket to come home for a short visit at Christmas so I can see him (and her). Nine months is a long time to go away when your dad is losing his memory and mind. I had a hard time deciding about Spain at all. But when he fist got institutionalized, I promised myself I'd spend a whole year revolving my life choices around his sickness. I went home and saw him I think 7 times last year. But when someone has a terminal disease that could go on and on for another decade (or only a week), you have to strike a balance. I don't want to miss out on things I will regret and then feel resentful about it later on. I think he would want me to write and travel and do the things that make me happy. So I'm trying to find a way to be there for him but also do what I need to for myself.

Maybe I'm a selfish asshole. Or maybe I'm an adult who turns 40 in 2 months and needed to pursue my own happiness too.

Who the fuck knows!

What I wouldn't give to hear him say fuck all day long again. God I miss that asshole. #alzheimers

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