It started when he super liked me on tinder. He lives an hour away from Lyon so he caught a ride, had subway tickets waiting for me, showed me all around Lyon and knew only the best places to eat, most of which he paid for. He held my hand and kissed me in public (which is totally acceptable in France!). We were such a fuxking cliche even, but a good one. We acted like boyfriend girlfriend for 96 hours straight, even throwing in a road trip at the end, in the most bizarre, intense, beautiful thing I’ve ever experienced. He knew what kind of coffee I like cuz he pays attentions to everything I do, he moved things out of the way that I would most certainly slam into cuz he figured out right away I’m a klutz like that. He knew when the lady gave me a small cup for water at the music festival that I wouldn’t be cool with that and asked for a larger one before even seeing the disappointment on my face.
He told me maybe I needed to take a walk when I started being a bitch to him cuz he intuitively sensed that I needed space and felt suffocated before I was even aware of it or ballsy enough to ask for it. He paid attention to everything I said and responded with something insightful or compassionate or thought-provoking.
He was, no surprise, as unselfish and thoughtful in bed as he was in public. And he told me how he felt and wasn’t afraid of me. Lots of men are too cowardly to tell me how they feel or call me on my shit when I need it. Nothing I threw at him scared him off. Not even the domestic violence story. I could not shake this guy!
He said I was a rainbow-the most complex and fascinating array of colors he’s ever seen. When I threw another curveball at him last night, a tragic story from my past I’ve never been ready to share on stage, he hugged me and said that just added one more shade to the rainbow. And he likes that I’m not afraid to share my fucked up thoughts. We had some of the most mature, deep, hard conversations I’ve ever had with a dude and I realized how much I’ve grown as a result of this (my default is being a passive agressive approval seaker with people I care about and a creator of confusion and chaos because I always try to avoid conflict (which obviously never works). He held me when I cried and cried himself when he talked about what meeting me meant to him and how hard me leaving would be. He also took a shit ton of photos of me to share with you guys cuz I’m a jerk and that’s part of the package of traveling with me.
This is the first guy I’ve been with since my ex that I was unreservedly willing to open both my heart and my legs for, only this one didn’t try to kill me. But I did realize how fresh that part of the wound is still. But I didn’t back away from the challenge, I dove right in, even though I wanted to run away or tell him to fuck off so many times cuz I’m still a little uncomfortable and unfamiliar with a man wanting to be with me even MORE once I’ve shown him my darkest stuff. I am really good about not letting toxics dudes past my firewall but apparently I’ve got to work on being comfortable with letting healthy ones get closer to me.
Shit was intense you guys!
I had 250 matches on tinder and received FIFTY messages on the four hour train ride alone from French guys wanting to meet me. I had this idea i would fuxk soooooo many hot French men this week. But I ended up ignoring all of them but one.
Who knows why this happened or what it means or what will happen after if anything at all. But it was a beatiful yet tough reminder that every time you think you’ve evolved into the best version yourself, there’s always one more fuxking dragon to slay. Probably til the day you die.