I’m staying in a fucking cave house tonight!
I decided to really treat myself one night in this trip. Until age 34 I’d sleep in a Walmart parking or truck stop (shit’s free!). And now I still Usually look for the cheapest places to stay that don’t totally suck but I decided I should really indulge one night of my stay cuz adults do that kind of shit all the time. So I have this whole house to myself tonight. It would be perfect for a couple (or even family cuz there are two bedrooms!) but it’s just me. Solo American adventurer chick. The lady who gave me the keys was so confused as to why I am here alone. So am I! But I spent two decades destroying myself and sleeping in shitty places or dangerous places to “build character.”
But I eventually realized I was hiding my low self esteem and sense of worth behind the guise of adventure. What was at first a constant need for challenge eventually evolved into getting off on suffering. That’s what people who don’t like themselves do. Whether it’s drugs or alcohol or toxic relationships or sleeping in a mouse infested trailer with no running water cuz you’re too “lazy” to fix it up or what have you. We are all cutters on some level. Some of us do way more damage when we indulge in it though. Suffering and being a perpetual victim is addicting. I loved that shit.
But now I love myself even more. And even though I’m always a cheap ass mothafucker, a minimalist, and someone who makes a living as a freak’n babysitter, I know how to treat myself now to small things to reassure myself that I do like who I’ve become, flaws and all. The spaces your soul occupies are important. Your body, your home, what towns you chose to live in (if you have the privilege to choose). So today my soul is worth $33 dollars and I’m feeling pretty great (yeah, my idea of indulging is spending $35). Treat yourself the way you wish a partner would and you’ll always be okay.