I spent two decades of my life destroying my body cuz I thought I was fat. The really fucked up part is that I was always a tall skinny kid and teenager (and a feminist too!!) and yet for some reason I thought I was a lard ass and started dieting in the 3rd grade. I remember sitting on my hands with my legs suspended an inch off the seat while riding the school bus as a super young kid because I didn’t like the way my thighs spread out and looked fatter when sitting down. That bus ride was looooong. And my wrists hurt from holding all my weight by the time I got to school.
Things only got worse when I developed the Hamlett hips. I spent fifteen years of my life throwing up so I wouldn’t gain weight because I loved to eat but was too vain to be fat. I did laxatives and diet pills too and almost thought I was gonna have a heart attack at school one day during my freshman year of high school cuz I’d eaten a whole box Dexatrim and my heart was beating alarmingly fast. This disease ruined so many good things in my life. In fact, one of the only things I remember about my year in Europe in 2000 was all the bathrooms I barfed in (and South America too!). I did it so much towards the end there was often blood in my puke (which meant a ruptured esophagus would surely kill me sooner than later) and I had callouses on my left knuckles from my teeth leaving scars. Shit was BAD y’all.
I finally found peace when I incorporated a spiritual solution in my life (not religious, spiritual!). Even though I’ll always think I’m kinda fat like pretty much every American woman I know does (thanks patriarchy!), I don’t listen to my thoughts anymore and put that energy into focusing on others instead. It never occurred to me for all those years how selfish it was to hate yourself all the fucking time. Like, it’s super hard to be a good friend to others when all your time goes towards thinking about how much your fat ass sucks. I was the piece of shit the world revolved around. So selfish.
Ahywho, I may not think I’m skinny enough now or ever but I finally like and accept my body and know others see something different than I do. And I turn 40 this year. For my age I think I’m doing pretty fucking okay. So I’m posting swimsuit photos as an act of rebellion to my old eating disordered, body-shaming self and as a middle finger to a culture that tells me I should hate this sacred vessel my soul occupies. And this time in Europe I’m enjoying the people and the food and my loved ones and these beautiful places instead of spending the entire trip with my head in a toilet. Fuck off patriarchy! 💃🏼💃🏼💃🏼
***please don’t leave comments telling me I’m skinny. I’m not fishing for a compliment here. They only fuck with my ego anyways. I’m Just hoping to inspire other women to stop hating themselves so much. It’s a total time suck and everyone suffers when we do. Oh and btw, if you know someone who is as fucked up as I once was, I’m an open book about this shit and like helping others who can’t find a way out.