My Inappropriate  Christmas Card


I’m so excited to write my first ever Christmas card! I’ve never done this before cuz I thought I’d look like a narcissist if I just took a selfie of me, a single woman, in front of my tiny fake tree that smells like cat piss. But this year I thought, fuck it, I’m sending a card! I’ll just throw in my neighbor’s dogs to make it legit.
Boy, what a year it’s been! Lots of blessings! For one, I lost/quit my job after I got a bad YELP review from an entitled dickhole. But that’s okay cuz my waitressing job made me hate myself anyways. Especially since I just turned 39 and realized I was totally in a mid-life crisis. One thing that dawned on me this year is that I’ve got maybe ten years left of being considered “fuckable” by society at large before they cast me aside. I mean, let’s face it, women have no value in our culture anymore once deemed unfuckable unless they have either a super impressive career or kids. Moms and grandmas get a pass cuz they’re important. But I’m probably not gonna be one of those.
So career it is!
After two months of total unemployment, I fell into a new career of writing and story-editing (and a little bit of babysitting) for a living. The jury’s still out on whether this will generate enough income to pay my rent in this overpriced city. But at least now I’m not afraid to tell the guys I meet on tinder what I do for a living! 
Speaking of which, I’ve fucked a ton of dudes this year. Like, I actually doubled my number. Now, before you judge, all this fucking had a point and was just what I needed. After taking all of 2015 off from any involvement whatsoever with straight men to recover from an abusive relationship, I desperately needed to learn how enjoy sex again and not be afraid of men anymore. Well it worked! I’m fearless now and have great taste in men (and every single one of them loves to go down on me, woo-hoo!) So 2016 was the year I fucked my way back to health. Thanks, tinder!
But worry not! I’ve also gone to dinner with really nice guys I saw a possible future with, trying this whole dating thing out for the first time in my life. I like it! And I don’t bone those guys. I know better than that. 
Oh, and my dad also got Alzheimer’s. But even that’s okay I guess cuz he seems happier now that he can’t remember all the shit that used to piss him off. The only real downside to 2016 was having a sociopath become the leader of the free world. 
So a 2016 recap: lots of fucking, a good amount of dating, changing careers, Alzheimer’s, and the 4th Reich coming to power. Not too bad! 
Happy Holidays, everyone. May your 2017 be full of lots of joy and not too much climate change. And good luck fighting the Nazis! 
Melanie, Milo, and Atticus

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