My Dad Calls These Little Old Ladies Assholes


My dad has been getting more offensive lately and it’s cracking us up. 
There’s a lady who rubs his head all the time that he can’t stand. She also says some pretty crazy shit, like she’ll look up and say, “wait, am I dead?” And they reassure her she’s not. So yesterday at dinner this lady was really in one of her moods (and so was my dad) and together it’s not a good combo. She was in all kinds of self loathing- “Nobody loves me. Everyone wants to leave me. Nobody cares. I’m all alone.” She kept saying that over and over and over. And she does this a lot. Well, my dad’s patience was wearing thin and he finally looked her right in the eye across the table and said “You’re right! Nobody does love you. Cuz you’re an Asshole!” Derek held back his laughter and tried to reassure her that she’s not an Asshole. “Mr. Bob didn’t mean that. He doesn’t think you’re an Asshole.” To which my dad shouted back, “no I meant it! She IS an asshole!” And so they had to separate the two of them. When we told my dad about it today, he seemed upset. ” I said that?! I can’t believe it. That doesn’t sound like me!” To which I quipped back, “are you kidding me? That sounds exactly like something you’d say.” He thought about it then smirked. “You’re right. That does sound like something I’d say!” Then laughed at himself.

One of the nurses today said that he’s also a jerk in the morning cuz he doesn’t like waking up early. “Can you please tell Mr. Bob not to use such harsh language?” When we asked what he said, she whispered, “he called me an FB.” (She can’t say the actual words lol) Yup! That’s my dad. What I wanted to say is “you’re lucky he’s not calling you a fucking cunt!” But she’s a nice Christian woman so we spared her that. 

Watching my dad in public places has become my new favorite things to do. He can’t help himself and yet the staff adore him because of it.
(Nashville, TN)

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