Turning 39 is a bitch! 


My 20’s were about exploring my options and trying to figure out what all I could do and who the hell I was. I’m pretty clear on all that now and, after a shit ton of work, I really like myself finally. It was also a time when it was totally okay to be lost and aimlessly wandering and not having to or wanting to be tied to anything.
But then as I saw 29 approaching, I knew I had to figure out my life purpose soon cuz adventuring just for fun was getting old. I had a feeling my passion involved writing and comedy. So I left my outdoor-centric life behind and moved to NYC, where I finally found that thing that lit a fire in me in a way nothing, not even the outdoors, had ever done. Storytellig. That’s what am great at. That’s what I love more than anything in life.
But now, as I see 39 approaching, I’m at a new decade-older-crisis. Becuase at this point in my life I want a sense of family and community as much as I want to pursue my sense of purpose. But if kids aren’t involved, which I don’t see happening, how exactly do you find that? I have no fucking idea! I don’t fit in with my tribe of peers who are all having babies. Or most people in LA who work 9-5 and shop at Best Buy. And yet, as I learned this last week, I don’t really fit in with this outdoor tribe who loves to sleep on rooftops and eat with their hands and not shower for days either. Becuase most of them are 10-15 years younger than me and in their wandering phase, as I was. But I’m not. I don’t want to live in a car anymore, though I like sleeping there occasionally. And for some of them, the outdoors IS that thing that lights them on fire. But for me, it’s not as important as writing and never will be. In other words, returning to my old life made me feel old as shit and more lost than ever. But that’s not necessarily a bad thing.
Yes I desperately want to keep exploring and I’m even coming up on that adventure itch I seem to get every two years or so, but when I travel now, it’s different than it used to be. Now I am seeking profound connection, not fierce independence. I travel with purpose and particular goals instead of just out of extreme curiosity and new experiences, though those are involved too. But unlike ever before, I also crave some form of stability. Both financially and community-wise. It’s sometime hard finding either of those in LA as a starving artist whose friends are all starving artists too busy to hang out too. But I think it’s hard for anyone my age anywhere with no kids.  So what now? Fuck if I know!
Transitions are fun and exciting but scary as hell. I have no idea where this next year will take me but something big is in the works on an unconscious level and my job now is to relax and wait while I listen to my intuition about what’s next for me. But one thing is for sure, I do still like myself. And I haven’t lost my sense of purpose, thought its mutating to include more than just making people laugh, so where and how I find the community and stability I seek will  just have figure itself out in its own time.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s