Whenever I travel, I usually end up becoming buddies with just about anyone willing to talk to me. In Peru, it just so happened to be “The Inca.”
After chatting for a long time, he left me with some fatherly advice: “Stay away from young Peruvian men. They ask you to buy them things, then maybe they rape you and steal money.”
Shortly after this, I met “Mohawk Guy.” Within the first two minutes of our conversation, he asked me to buy him an ice cream. I said no. That I’m not a typical rich American, but rather one who lives in a trailer and shits in a bucket. He still wanted to talk to me after realizing I wouldn’t give him money, so I figured he wasn’t the stealing/raping type.
A few minutes later, we met Balloon Guy, who was also asking people for money.
Balloon guy was a pretty funny dude
and even let Mohawk guy dry hump him
When he asked me to buy him some gum and I deferred to my shitting in a bucket line, he said “to hell with you stupid American girl” and walked away.
Mohawk guy then said we should go do something fun. “You want get high?” Nope. “Drunk?” Nope. “Ride horses?” OF COURSE! Two minutes later he fetched us a cab and off we went.
On the way our cab driver almost ran over all these people
The cab driver decided he didn’t want to take us all the way, so he dropped us off at the top of the mountain.
We had to walk the rest of the way, which took a good hour.
Eventually, we came across these two ladies, who supposedly had some horses we could ride.
This lady didn’t have a whole lot to say.
Luckily, her friend was a bit more helpful and took us down this dirt road full of people drying potatoes
Finally, we found us some horses.
She took my money and put me on this horse.
Mohawk guy had a hard time mounting his horse with those tight jeans on.
The first part of the ride was fun, as Mohawk guy had promised.
After riding around for a bit, though, he told me he was taking me to “special ruines.” According to him, it’s where Incan women would go to pray whenever they wanted to get pregnant.
When we finally got to the ruins, I didn’t get to see much of them. I was too busy fighting off Mohawk guy, who kept trying to make out with me.
I said I wasn’t that kind of girl (psst – I am) and just wanted to see some cool stuff. He then took me up to this place where he said we should pray.
Since I wasn’t too interested in getting pregno like the old school Inca ladies, I prayed that Mohawk Guy stop trying to get in my pants and just leave me alone
After I finished praying, Mohawk guy tried to make out with me again. I said no, of course, so he took off running.
When I finally caught up with him back at the horses, he was talking to this chick
After flirting with her for awhile, he mounted his horse and took off with her
After running off with a new American chick, one who might make-out with him and buy him ice cream, I never saw him ever again.
Come to find out, God did answer my prayers. Mohawk dude literally left me alone. On top of a mountain. With a horse.
But THEN this a 16-year-old boy named Pablo magically appeared out of nowhere.
Pablo didn’t speak a word of English, so I have no idea where he came from or why. The only things I understood in Spanish were the questions: “How many years do you have? How many children? Where is husband?” and my personal favorite, “You live with your father then?” Pablo didn’t understand modern American women.
Pablo took me all over that mountain. It was way more fun now that I didn’t have to fight off horny mohawk guy anymore.
We did all kinds of things. Like pet homeless doggies
eat some delicious snacks
and meet some interesting folks
Pablo finally led me back to the lady who gave me the horse, then put me on a minivan back to town
A mini van meant for only 15 passengers, not 23.
For the rest of the week, I stayed away from guys who wear balloons or ask me to buy them ice cream and, instead, stuck with guys like the inca
We even hung out on his days off.
While most my stories on this blog are somewhat create-writing, this one is actually true. Sorry Mom and Dad.