So there’s this Christian-themed amusement park in Orlando, Florida called The Holy Land Experience. I’m not Christian, but I do get lonely sometimes, so I figured I’d go to the one place where everyone has to be nice.
As soon as I drove past the chariots and into the parking lot, I got my first sign from God that I was in the right place – a rainbow.
Surprisingly, security was tight at Holy Land. They had guards in the parking lot
and cops at the entrance.
Maybe this was because it cost $35 for admission and they didn’t want people jumping the fence, like I considered doing. I felt better about spending that much money, though, after this lady assured me it was well worth it cuz Jesus loved me and shit. And she gave me a hug.
As soon as I saw this sign, I knew the ticket lady was right about this place.
Karaoke just so happens to be my favorite activity in the world, besides rock climbing, and I’d pay any price to do it.
To get on the waiting list, I had to sign in with this pharoh guy.
As soon as I took a seat, I realized this was no smokey bar kinda karaoke. No, this place was like American Idol and these people weren’t messing around.
This old man went first. It wasn’t that he was bad, but that his stage presence was a little lacking. Like, he looked bored. Where’s your passion for God, dude?!
The next guy to go up kinda sucked too, but he totally won over the audience with his commitment to the song. And that shirt.
They called my name next.
Their entire book of songs to choose from consisted of nothing but hymns, children’s songs, Christian rock singles, and a few Top 40 hits that had God references. The only two I’d ever heard of was “Jesus Loves Me” and “I believe I Can Fly” by R. Kelly. Since the former was too short and easy, I chose the latter.
The karaoke MC guy was reeeeeally into my performance
Now, I’ve performed in front of a few hundred people in NYC on mulitple occassions without any problem, so I figured I’d be comfortable in front of an audience of fifty, but this……..well, this was the most terrifying performance of my life.
In the middle of the song, which I apparently didn’t know the words to, I started to feel myself losing the audience,
so I tried even harder. I began acting out every single line, flapping my arms as I sang “Spread my Wings and I’ll fly Away….”
The audience seemed to appreciate my level of commitment, but I got the feeling they weren’t all that into me. When the karaoke guy came over after I finished and told them to give me one more round of applause, they didn’t.
I don’t know what came over me other than a bad case of a bruised ego, but I reacted the way any insecure comedian would – I attacked my audience.
“Hey, well fuck you guys then. You just hate me for singing the only song by a black man in the whole book, you racists jerks. And you, pharoh guy with the song book, why did you list a song by a man who’s known for having sex with teenage girls and peeing on them anyways, ya sick fuck.”
He picked up his walkie talkie and called security on me.
And I got taken away by a Roman guard.
Luckily, I’m pretty strong myself, so I broke free. I hid in next to some weirdos getting busy in the bushes, named Adam and Eve, who had an interesting sense of style.
After a couple of hours of hiding from the guard, I finally decided it was safe to come out. I walked around the gardens for awhile and stumbled upon some newborn kid, his parents, and farm animals.
Then some creatures who somehow escaped the zoo.
Some of the zoo animals were a little lost.
I figured the last place a Roman guard would look for a single 33 year-old, childless woman would be the kids play area, so I headed over to “Smile of a Child Adventure Land” for awhile.
Talk about adventure! I couldn’t believe they had a climbing wall!
Unfortunately, the jerks only let kids on the wall, so I went to the whale that ate people instead.
And boy did he have a strange appetite.
Among other things, like octopus and Christian tourists, I found some bearded man in a nightgown defying the laws of gravity .
As I walked around Adventureland, I came across more giraffe.
They’d apparently found Mr. Noah and his arc.
which was also a theater.
The theater had no stage for some reason, but it had a lot of other cool stuff
like a claw-machine with “Prayer Bear” prizes.
and card board cut-outs of Noah’s arc
There was also a cardboard cut out of this hot guy. Someone told be his name was Jesus Christ. I’d heard his name before, but, goddamn! No one ever mentioned how cute he was!
After the arc, I decided to leave the kids area since I was too old for such childishness. Moments later I found myself in this strange town called Jeruselem.
They sold a lot of interesting items in their stores
like great books for Christian cheerleaders
Bible Quest action figures
(which were only nine dollars)
and a whole assortment of stuff for Christians…. who are Jewish.
The absolute coolest part of Jeruselum, though, was the model town,
which I couldn’t help but go all King Kong
and Godzilla on
Outside the store I saw some big list of rules called the “Ten Commandments”
I don’t care much for rules, but I did care for this hot man right next to the rules. Mmm, I do like my guys bearded!
Speaking of hot guys with beards, this Jesus guy was everywhere.
Sometimes he was missing a hand
Other times he was a boxer
That’s when I started to notice this place was swarming with hot men in weird outfits. They usually were guarding unusual places like the bathroom
fast food windows,
and food courts.
Speaking of food, I was starving. I couldn’t afford the over-priced carnival food
so I headed to the Holy Land Coffee Shop for a cup of joe.
The place was waaaay nicer than I’d anticipated though
so I couldn’t afford their ice coffee OR the Chick-fil-A
I tried one more place to buy food, but even their tater-tots were over-priced
While dumpster diving for leftovers, I noticed these prayer request forms on top of the trash can.
What harm would a little praying do, I wondered, even if I didn’t believe in their Christian God
All I’m asking for here is some free food. And maybe a hot guy. But first some food.
Immediately afterwards I saw this sign.
Maybe it wasn’t food or ice coffee I needed, but something to fill my soul. Since writing and rock climbing are the things that truly feed my soul, I headed back to the rock wall.
Of course, that’s when I noticed THIS stupid sign.
It was soooo unfair. Adults weren’t allowed to rock climb?!
After crying on the rocks for a bit, I looked up and saw that God had indeed answered my prayers
I don’t know much about communion, but from what I understand, it’s a place where people go to get free bread and booze. While waiting in line for communion, I started chugging down the two big gulp I’d found by the sign.
Until I saw this sign that is.
We were led into this underground dungeon place, where this guy welcomed us
and his partner handed out the booze.
Or so I thought. Not only did he give us juice instead of wine, it was served in these tiny-ass cups, which weren’t even half the size of a standard shot glass.
This might not have pissed me off so much had this guy not been drinking out of a huge wine glass himself. Selfish prick.
or if the guy in front of me hadn’t been allowed to take in his big gulp! NOT FAIR!
As Jesus rattled on and on about cannabalism or something, it occurred to me that my prayers were actually being answered. Sure, I was pissed that God’s twisted idea of free food was one tiny little cracker, but then again, this Jesus fella was the hot guy I’d been praying for and from what I gathered, was totally single.
He was also the most popular/powerful guy at Holy Land (and planet Earth!), so of course I wanted him.
After Holy Communion, he came out into the audience and said “bless you my child” and touched everyone.
I don’t mean to brag or anything, but Jesus touched everyone in the room once. Except me. I got it TWICE.
And that’s all it took. I was now on a mission to get a piece of Christ’s ass and there was no stopping me.
And so the obsession began. I looked for him everywhere.
I went to every single show hoping to find him, but he was nowhere to be seen. He must have been taking a break or something. Then, late in the afternoon, I went to the “God Bless America” show and wouldn’t you know…
Jesus! Only this time he was dressed up as a patriotic man who thought it was really cool that his brother went to war, got shot in the leg, and came back disabled.
(I must admit, this particular show was kind of bizarre. I’m still not sure what the bear’s purpose was).
After the show, I went outside and found this sign.
The only “him” it could be talking about was Jesus, so I rushed over to the next theater to see my man.
My instincts were right. There he was. Singing!
Luckily my camera had a good zoom, so I took about a hundred pictures of him. Just look at that face!
During the show, this woman started going on and on about how Jesus was the only one who’d touched her in “that special way.” (No joke, that’s verbatim what she said). The whore! I hated her!
But not as much as I hated the next one who came out and said Jesus was the only man she’d ever love. I’m not usually that competitive when it comes to guys, but I was pretty sure I was younger and prettier than these skank ass hoes.
Then, just as Jesus was starting to enjoy slut #3 rubbing all over him (she talked about how she’d bled from her vagina for like 12 years or some shit), these guards came out of nowhere and started beating the crap out of him. For no reason!
In the middle of the beating, they ended the show abruptly and told us to go the ampetheater to see what happens. Me and about a thousand people rushed outside to see a show that was called “The Passion of the Christ.”
I had no idea what this next show was going to be about, but given the name of it, I assumed it must be either a love story or a porno. After about an hour of making us wait, Jesus finally came outside, sweaty, and wearing nothing but a robe.
He was walking around, looking all hot and saying some jibber-jabber to the crowd, when all of a sudden these douche-bag guards came up and started yelling at him for no good reason.
As they escorted him over to the rocks that I hadn’t been allowed to climb on, he stopped right in front of me and gave me one of those “I want to fuck your brains out” looks. I knew it! He liked me!
I’m not sure what kind of sexual fantasy this Christ guy had, but Satan
and mountain goats were involved for some reason.
After Satan had a good talk with him, they stripped him down and tied his hands to a post.
One of the guards started rubbing his back, making me think some sort of kinky homo-erotic stuff was about to go down.
Not quite. They were more into S & M
Not just any S & M though. We’re talking blood and bruises.
I was starting to think maybe this Jesus guy wasn’t my type after all. I mean, you couldn’t pay me to dress up in a ridiculous Roman outfit and whip someone to death no matter how hot he is.
After they untied him, they threw him on the ground, only now he was wearing a diaper.
All of a sudden I realized that not only was the guard who’d kicked me out of karaoke involved in this soft porn scene, but that children were watching it.
This poor little boy was really not into it.
Eventually my guard and his buddies picked Jesus up
but threw him on the ground again a few minutes later.
Hot damn, this guy was ripped! The body of a swimmer! And I almost saw his junk fall out of that diaper
They continued to kick and punch him for awhile, but he took it like a man
I felt like I should do something to help the poor guy out, but instead, I just took pictures of him like everyone else.
They put a purple cloth around him, placed a crown made out of thorns on his head
brought over a big ass log,
and made Jesus carry it.
He had such a hard time with it, poor guy.
So they eventually gave up and just dragged him.
The took him up to this shrubby area
where my security guard took a turn at torturing him. I was a little concerned about the level of violence, but some of the guys seemed to be having fun, so I wasn’t too worried.
While they continued to beat Jesus, Satan appeared and gave a long-winded speech about some self congratulatory nonsense.
The audience boo-ed him, but he seemed to like it. While he gloated, the guards behind him nailed Jesus’ hands to a cross
and lifted him into the air
At first I thought he was making the “oh-face”
but after awhile, I realized he was actually in a lot of pain.
(but he still looks super hot, even when suffering. Look at that fucking six pack!)
One of the guards felt bad for him and gave him a sponge bath
Then his buddy came up and stabbed him a few times with his spear, just to be a dick
I wasn’t the only one disturbed by this sick and twisted porno. Jesus’ Mom showed up and yelled a bunch of stuff at the guards
These other women pining after Christ were noticeably upset as well, except for the old lady, who seemed to be really into this S & M.
At first I thought Jesus had a narcoleptic attack or something
but it seemed like a deeper sleep than the ones I’m used to
I mean, he didn’t even wake up when they took the nails out of his hands and feet
or when they lowered his body off the cross.
It wasn’t until they carried him down the steps that I realized… dear god, he’s dead! I couldn’t believe they killed my man! What kind of messed up place was this?
When they brought him out into the crowd, we all started to cry
I finally came to accept that my future with Jesus was dead too when they put his hot body in this tomb thingy
and sealed it with a rolling rock wall.
After the guards locked his dead body in there, this other guard came out of nowhere and started yelling at them
Here I was, pissed at God for killing the one hot, single, NORMAL guy left on the planet, when I realized this guy was actually waaaaay cuter than Jesus.
He gave a long speech about how wrong it was to kill Jesus. Agreed!
I loved everything about this man and could have listened to his speech for hours
but, of course, God put an end to that. My new man was killed a few seconds later in this explosion.
Before I had time to mourn the loss of my second future lover, Jesus appeared out of nowhere, only now he was all cleaned up, wearing a nightgown
and looking hotter than ever with that bed head.
He gave some speech about how great his Dad is
then offered anyone who wanted them the keys to his place. Hells yeah I wanted keys to his kingdom!
Apparently he was having a party there. All these disco dancers showed up
Then Jesus disappeared again. We were told to follow the dancers over to the kingdom.
Boy was it packed!
This was by far the coolest party I’d ever been to.
Finally, Jesus showed up, but now he was some sort of king or something. Just when I thought he couldn’t get any hotter, he was now a man… with money!
You know a guy is loaded when their robe is even longer than Princess Diana’s train.
The crowd was really into it, raising their arms like karaoke guy had during my performance
Speaking of karaoke guy, he was there too, but as a dancer now!
Satan tried crashing Jesus’ party, but the disco dancers weren’t having it.
They kicked him out.
I cheered like everyone else, but apparently so much that I broke my cover. The next thing I knew, this lady was calling the guards on me. They were still pissed about me telling the karaoke audience to eat a dick.
Karaoke guy came over to lasso me, like he had Satan.
My God, I was surrounded! The guard who took me away was right behind me!
Now, I don’t have photos of what transpired next, but let’s just say I was miraculously saved. Not by Jesus, who was a king now too full of himself, but by the only honorable, single man left in the park. The security guard.
While god didn’t answer my prayers about food, he did give me a man. We fucked in the parking lot.
While a lot of this story is actually true most of it is entirely made up. You can hear me tell the true version of this story on the Risk! podcast. Just click the link below to hear it.