Today is my birthday! I’m taking it easy this year. Here’s why….
About five minutes outside of Las Vegas is a stunning rock climbing area called Red Rocks. My friends and I usually spend about ten days there every November, most of which consist of waking up at 4am, hiking a couple hours by headlamp, climbing about a thousand vertical feet, rappelling by headlamp, hiking back in the dark, shoving some dinner in our mouths, and going to bed so we can wake up at 4am and do it all over again.
On my birthday last year, though, things went a little differntly…..
I was feeling a little down about getting older, so I hid out and felt sorry for myself in my secret nook. Then, out of nowhere, this hunky climber dude showed up.
Boy did I perk up!
When I told him it was my birthday, he insisted that I hang out with him and his climber friends for the evening.
I thought he was taking me to his campground. Nope. A casino.
Hot guy and his buddies took me to play one of my favorite games – BINGO!
After we bought our dopplers out of the vending machine
we picked our table. The first five minutes were soooo much fun
Then we realized BINGO is freak’n stressful.
I still can’t believe not a single one of us got a BINGO in two hours.
We were all a bit disappointed.
Hot guy got to thinking, though…these dopplers sure would make great markers
so we had an arts and craft session instead
(I’m a sore loser)
My new friends weren’t though.
One of the dudes had his ex-girlfriend on his mind.
Bob made this mask to cheer me up.
It actually worked! So I started drawing pictures of my favorite things.
After a long night of beer, intense BINGO, and arts and crafts, we were pooped.
The guy hung up on his ex-girlfriend wanted to lay down for his nap.
When we all woke up, we found green shirt guy hadn’t slept much. Idle time is the unruly climber’s advocat.
He had a plan. And like idiots, we followed him.
We couldn’t figure out why he put on his gloves
until he started stealing stuff. First it was cigarettes
then money from the slot machines. He figured out some crazy way of beating the slot machines, kind of like Rain Man.
When he was done stealing stuff, he did what all climbers impulsively want to do – climbing things
like the walls
and the fancy brass barrier thingies
While all this was going on, the Love-sick guy drank himself into a blackout and attacked me. Apparently I look just like his ex.
Bob and Hot Guy came to my rescue.
Even climber chick went after him.
Of course I was upset, but I hadn’t meant for things to get this out of hand. I tried talking some sense into them, but it was no use.
Before I knew it, they’d chased each other into the parking garage of the casino and began a full-on doppler war.
Hot guy kicked some ass, as expected.
When it was all over, Love-sick guy and Green shirt guy were nowhere to be found. Until we came across one of his gloves and some piss that is.
He was on the other side of this car, employing the military surrender tactic called “possum.”
We eventually found Love-sick guy
leaning against some stranger’s car,
drawing naked pictures of his ex on the cement.
After everyone hugged it out, we finally got in the car and made our way back to their camp and went to bed.
The next morning I woke up to the sound of Bob brushing his teeth and possum guy playing “Sweet Surrender,” by Sarah McLaughlin
Lover-sick was inspired to sing a song about his ex-girlfriend, so he made a guitar. That’s right, he made a guitar out of wire, wood, and a Santa Clause cookie container
This put possum guy in a bad mood for the day. He doesn’t like people being better than him at things.
We got a late start that morning due to the hangovers and injuries from the previous night.
At first it seemed like it was gonna be a chill day at the climbing crag, but that wasn’t the case at all. Out of nowhere possum guy attacked me! We’d all thrown our doplers away the night before during our peace treaty. He must have dug his out of the trash. What a jerk!
Unfortunately, no one came to save me this time. Hot guy was too busy sitting on a rock, looking all hot.
Love-sick guy was singing too loud to hear my screams
and Bob was too far away
taking a piss
Possum guy didn’t just go for face shots this time. He went for my neck
and any area with exposed skin
When climber chick came to my rescue, he went after her too
He had pretty amazing aim, I must say.
With no help whatsoever from the guys, we kicked possum guy’s ass.
And threw him off the cliff. Then we got back to climbing.
It was the most exciting birthday ever. But not because of the stuff that happened above.
No, it was the piss I took while hanging off a 1,300 foot rock wall later that day.
By the way, all of these people are my friends and all of them are amazing. Hopefully you know this, but parts of this story are make-believe.