One day I was walking around New York when I came across this Hot Dog place
When I saw the sign for the “dream hot dog,”
it reminded me of this guy I used to have a crush on that went by that name.
So I went inside looking for him
Well, to make a long story short, the place was robbed while I was in there. For some reason, the police thought me and some random guy in the store did it.
At first I was a little worried about going to jail
but the guy arrested with me assured me everything would be a-okay.
I got bored just sitting there, so I started spying on the cops in the front seat
I noticed one of them was checking his facebook page
Me: Hey, after this is all over and done with, will you friend me on facebook?
He ignored me.
I figured I’d trying chatting with someone a little nicer, so when I saw one of the detectives scoping out the crime scene
I asked him if he was a fan of hot dogs
He was not.
He asked me if I had anything else to say, so I pretended to be all scared of him
then went back to having fun in my cop car.
They took me into custody, which would have been fun
had I not been alone. I got bored real quick
which caused a narcoleptic attack
When I woke an hour later, the reality started to sink in and I got scared
Then it occurred to me I might be able to get out on mental insanity
so I tried to be like the Silence of the Lambs guy
but no one ever came to check on me.
Just then, the phone rang. No on was answering it, so I figured I probably should.
As it turns out, it was just a prank caller
pretending to be Ice T.
When I hung up the phone, I realized I was a free woman.
I was a little pissed the cops made my escape too easy
but glad to be gett’n the F out of there.
Of course, now I was a fugitive like these guys
so I had to think like a fugitive
and change my New Mexico plates to Jersey plates.
Unfortunately, my cover didn’t last long. I got pulled over the very next morning
I thought I was in big trouble
til I saw it was this guy
Track Suit Guy: Hey baby. I pulled you over cuz I think you’re hot.
Me: Who me?
Track Suit Guy: Damn straight. Wanna go for a ride in my new cop car? I just stole it from my neighbor.
Me: I thought you’d never ask!
I felt bad, but I took off with the dude’s car. Desperate times called for desperate measures
Two miles down the road, however, I got pulled over by the police
Me: You’ve got the wrong woman
Cop: I don’t think so. Your clothes are on inside out, which leads me to think you changed them in a hurry to disguise yourself
Me: No you silly goose. I’m a super messy eater. I never stain my shirts if I wear them inside out. Brilliant, right? (sadly, this part of the story is actually true)
Cop: What are you, like two years old?
Cop (to his partner): Hey look, we got ourselves a little baby who needs a bib.
Me: That’s not funny you jerk!…Besides, it’s called an eating shirt.
I managed to get my arm free for a minute, but he threw my head against the car
While he was handcuffing me, he told his partner a joke
Cop: hey, what’d the zero say to the number 8?
Cop #2 No idea.
Cop: Nice belt!
The thought of having to ride in a car with such an awful joke teller made me fight one last time to get away
but my damn narcolepsy got the best of me
When I woke up, I realized I was in a cop car
And I decided to make the best of it. Cop cars are super fun!