Daily Archives: April 30, 2009

Adventures In Maine w/douchebags

My first trip to Maine was pretty uneventful.  I just drove around mostly.  But I stopped at this little picnic area on the side of the road.  I went to go use their restroom and almost had a heart attack when I saw the dude on the left.


Dude: “Don’t worry. My dog doesnt’ bite.”


I don’t care what he said, that dog was freak’n MEAN looking

Then I got stopped by another guy


I almost didn’t even see him.


Little Guy: “Welcome!

When I came out of the bathroom, I noticed this guy on my left.  I didn’t ask why, but I’m pretty sure his job was to guard the hot water heater.  Poor guy.


But he took his job very seriously and didn’t feel the need to talk to tourists

I went to get a Coke, but this guy was guarding the machine. Apparently punk teenagers kept trying that trick where they tape a dollar bill and pull it out after the machine eats it (like a leash).


Coke Machine Guy:  “This job is fucking boring.”

Me : “I hear you man. I used to be a Production Assistant when I first started working in film industry. My job would be to “firewatch” a door for 12 hours straight. I not only hated myself at the end of the day, but the job made me stupider.”


Coke Machine Guy: “What’s the daily rate as a PA.?”

Me: ” Oh, I don’t know.  $100 if you’re lucky, bu—    HOLY SHIT! Is that Captain Hook from Peter Pan????!!!!!!!!!!!”

Coke Machine Guy: “No, he’s a tool who think’s he’s Orlando Blooom.”


Come to find out, pirate man is a professional background actor and an Orlando Bloom stand-in.


But, he has an ego as if he’s actually an actor.  Coke machine Guy wasn’t kidding. This guy IS a douche.  I won’t tell you what he wanted to do to me with that hook of his.

Then I came across this guy.

Lady Tourist: “I know! Can you believe how much it costs to board my Pug? It cost more money than this trip, I tell ya.”


Annoyed Guy: “See this rope in my hand? I’m gonna hang that bitch with it if she doesn’t shut up about that dog.”


Tourist Lady with the hat: “Oh, Janet!  That’s why you should just bring him along! Would you look at these Indians! They’re so inappropriately dressed. What if I had brought Lily with us? What would I tell a two year old about their thinga-ma-jiggies hanging out like that?”


Annoyed Guy:  “Thank God that bitch has HER clothes on.  Hey, can you get me a coke.”

“Yeah, me too, sexy thang.”


I turned around and saw the hottest dude! Yum!

Sexy Dude: “You drive up this highway often?  I’ve been waiting all day for you to come say hi.”


Me: “I just got here. You say that to everything with boobs I’m sure.”

Sexy Guy: “I particularly love small boobies like yours though. Do you like my guns?  I work out everyday you know. The things I could do to you with this bow and arr-…. (edit here).

Me: “You and the pirate should hang out.”

On my way to go get a beverage for Annoyed Guy, I ran into this man.


Me:  “Hi, how are you?

Curious Guy: “Not now, I’m busy,”


Old Tourist Lady to Daughter: “Keep an eye on your purse, keep those legs crossed, and pretend to read your book, dear. These savages wanna you-know-what you.”

Daughter: “Whatever, Mom. They’re Native Americans, by the way. Not savages.  And the only perve here is the that Orlando Bloom look alike.”


Curious Dude to himself: “I wish these ladies pretending to read books would shut the f#@k up! I can’t hear if those two hot bitches are talking about me or not. ….. And that old man snoring is really about to get on my last nerve.”


(Old Man is only pretending to sleep to avoid having to talk to his wife).

I had a great visit  to Maine. I can’t wait to go back. I got the Coke Machine guy a gig as a PA on Law and Order! He LOVES it.  And now we’re dating.

Free Doctor I found on Craigslist!!!

I answered this posting off craiglists:

Seeking healthy normal smokers/non-smokers 18 years or older. Participants will be part of a study looking for precursors to lung disease. Offering $50 compensation for screening consisting of a physical exam, Electrocardiogram (EKG), blood, urine tests, breathing test and chest x-ray, and if eligible $200 for bronchoscopy.

I haven’t had health insurance in 5 years because an insurance company dropped when I tore my ACL in a skiing accident. I am still paying off that $23.000 surgery. I was also an unemployed freelancer in January. $50 sounded amazing!!!!!!!!

I later found out the $200 bronchoscopy requires being put under and an overnight stay at the hospital. I lost interest in advancing to the next round. But I had fun …especially when I realized I got to sit in a glass box that looks like it’s from a gameshow!


Once the nurse closed the door, I had to:

-put a nose clip on and bite on a snorkel-like thing
-do a series of deep breathing exercises and fog up the phone booth
-pant while putting my hands to my cheeks Home Alone style
-take several rounds of albuterol (the asthma inhaler) even though I’m not asthmatic)


This was starting to not be worth the $50.

Narcoleptic spells in the gas chamber


view from inside the gas chamber

THe nurse who took these pictures asked if I was gonna put them on facebook.


First time to a Doctor (besides that emergency room visit in 2005) in over five years. This is very exciting!!!!

Lung Research Sex Kitten

Lung Research Porn

Lung Research Narcolepsy
(reinactment of actual occurance)

To see my adventures in the Emergemcy Room, click