One day my sister, Dora, and I were driving through Washington when we came across this gas station
It didn’t sell gas anymore
but we didn’t care because it was in THE TWILIGHT ZONE! (sponsored by Pepsi)
My sister was sooooo excited
When we approached the store to get a Deli sandwich, we couldn’t believe what we saw.
Sister: Oh my God! Look. Edward Cullen has a crush on me!
Me: No, way. He has a crush on me too! Me…..of all people.
Dora: He doesn’t have a crush on either of you. They’re just trying to sell their product.
Me: You’re just jealous cuz he doesn’t have a crush on you.
Sister: Hey look! The Twilight bus! I bet it will take us right to Edward Cullen
She was right.
We knew we’d find him in these woods, but we wanted to get to him before all the teenage girls on the bus did.
So we went backpacking
Sister: Hey, thanks for carrying all of our stuff for us
Me: Hey I’ll do whatever it takes to get a piece of Cullen ass.
Me: Although I could lose the uphill stuff. Dora’s getting fat and I’m panting like a dog
Dora (muffled): Hey, at least you can breathe. I’m suffocating in here.
We finally found a place to camp. Besides the steamroller, it was a super nice beach.
It had a huge firepit
and a super nice bathroom
While we were collecting kinling
we found two Twilight fans alread camped there. So we hiked a few more miles.
Me: Hey! This is totally the kind of beach Edward Cullen would hang out on.
Dora: I don’t understand why you think Edward Cullen is a real person.
Me: Why you gotta be a hater?
Dora: I’m not. I’m just being realistic
Me: Realistic? I’ll tell you what’s realistic – you staying in the backpack until I decide to let you out.
When we got to camp, I made a fire so Edward could see us better
Sister: Hey, where’d Dora go? It’s so peaceful here now.
Me: She’s in my backpack. In time out.
Sister: Good. You really need to hang out with people more and Dora less.
Me: Yeah, you’re right. Hey do you think Edward would be turned on by the way I blow this fire?
Edward never came to us that night. At four in the morning, I was woken up by Dora whistling outside the tent
Me: Dora, what are you doing?
Dora: I’m trying to calm myself down
Dora: Cuz you left me out here all night by myself to get eaten by vampires
Me: I thought you didn’t believe in vampires
Dora: I don’t, but it was cold and dark and I heard noises all night. Please let me in.
Me: Oh my God….
Look how phallic those sea stacks are!!!!
Dora: Can I PLEASE come inside.
Me: You’re such a baby. Why can’t you be more like my sister?
Dora: Why are you being such a jerk now that your sister is with us?
Me: I’ve always been a jerk to you
Me: You can sleep in here til she gets back from the bathroom. Then you’re gone.
Dora: Don’t I get a sleeping bag?
Me: Sleeping bags are for people, not dolls
After we packed up, we hit the trail again. That’s when we realized why we hadn’t seen Edward all night
Crushed by the news (brought to us by Pepsi), we decided to give up. On our way back to the truck, we came across another gas station
And that’s when we saw a sign of hope
Where there’s Bella, there’s Edward
While looking through the collection of rocks that Bella had touched, we realized there weren’t any Edward rocks. Only Jacob
Then we saw Jacob’s hair
and his cousin’s hair
and then the garlic.
Me: Damnit! We’re in the Team Jacob headquarters. We’ll never find Edward here.
Sister: Wait. Look outside. On the porch
Me: Holy crap! I’m writing a note to Bella
Dora: I’m writing a note too
Me: First of all, you don’t know how to spell the word life. Secondly, I wasn’t aware you even knew what balls are
Dora: How could I not with that mouth of yours?
Me: Why the attitude Dora?
Dora: First it’s your sister. Now it’s Edward. I’m tired of being ignored
Sister: LOOK! I found him! Oh, Edward, won’t you kiss me?
Me: No, Edward. Look. I’m emo like Bella. God, those arms.
Dora: Hey, Edward. I’m sorry I didn’t believe in you. I’ll be your lamb if you’ll be my lion.
It was the best day of finding Edward Cullen on Summer Tour 2009 ever!
Behind the scenes: