Tag Archives: Twilight

Edward Cullen Clam Chowder

I just stumbled across even more pictures of Twilight crap I found in the town of Forks, Washington.

This little gas station/diner turned their entire menu into a Twilight Menu

My two favorites:

1) Bella Banana Split – based on what my sister tells me about the books, this could be a reference to either her being split between two lovers or split in half when Edward tears that baby out of her with his teeth (which seems a little crazy by the way)

2) Edward Cullen Clam Chowder – I don’t understand this reference at all, but I think it’s hilarious!

For more Twilight stories with pics like this,

click these links

http://melaniehamlett.com/2009/11/09/vampires-at-the-logging-museum/

http://melaniehamlett.com/2009/12/02/team-jacob-and-phallic-rocks/

Bella’s House

I’ve never read any of the Twilight books, so I haven’t earned the right to fairly criticize them. I did, however, see the first movie to appease my sister, and I hated it, as predicted. I won’t be seeing any of the sequels since I try to avoid movies that remind me of The Little Mermaid, where another smart, strong woman sacrifices everything to marry some stupid boy of another species, whether he have legs or fangs.

Having said that, I am fascinated by Twilight culture and spent several days last summer visiting Twilight tourist attractions. Would you believe my sister and I drove fifty miles out of the way to find Bella’s house in Oregon?

This sign was nailed to a tree in the front yard.

Keep in mind, people don’t usually say things like “please don’t peek through my windows” unless they’re incredibly paranoid or have had it happen enough times to warrant a sign nailed to a tree in their front yard

Ah, Twilight fans. God bless ‘em.

To see more of the Twilight insanity, click the links below:

http://melaniehamlett.com/2009/12/02/team-jacob-and-phallic-rocks/

http://melaniehamlett.com/2009/11/09/vampires-at-the-logging-museum/

Team Jacob and Phallic Rocks

One day my sister, Dora, and I were driving through Washington when we came across this gas station


It didn’t sell gas anymore

but we didn’t care because it was in THE TWILIGHT ZONE! (sponsored by Pepsi)

My sister was sooooo excited


When we approached the store to get a Deli sandwich, we couldn’t believe what we saw.


Sister: Oh my God! Look. Edward Cullen has a crush on me!

Me: No, way. He has a crush on me too! Me…..of all people.

Dora: He doesn’t have a crush on either of you. They’re just trying to sell their product.
Me: You’re just jealous cuz he doesn’t have a crush on you.
Sister: Hey look! The Twilight bus! I bet it will take us right to Edward Cullen

She was right.

We knew we’d find him in these woods, but we wanted to get to him before all the teenage girls on the bus did.

So we went backpacking

Sister: Hey, thanks for carrying all of our stuff for us
Me: Hey I’ll do whatever it takes to get a piece of Cullen ass.

Me: Although I could lose the uphill stuff. Dora’s getting fat and I’m panting like a dog
Dora (muffled): Hey, at least you can breathe. I’m suffocating in here.

We finally found a place to camp. Besides the steamroller, it was a super nice beach.

It had a huge firepit

and a super nice bathroom

While we were collecting kinling

we found two Twilight fans alread camped there. So we hiked a few more miles.

Me: Hey! This is totally the kind of beach Edward Cullen would hang out on.

Dora: I don’t understand why you think Edward Cullen is a real person.
Me: Why you gotta be a hater?
Dora: I’m not. I’m just being realistic
Me: Realistic? I’ll tell you what’s realistic – you staying in the backpack until I decide to let you out.

When we got to camp, I made a fire so Edward could see us better

Sister: Hey, where’d Dora go? It’s so peaceful here now.

Me: She’s in my backpack. In time out.
Sister: Good. You really need to hang out with people more and Dora less.
Me: Yeah, you’re right. Hey do you think Edward would be turned on by the way I blow this fire?
Sister: No.

>

Edward never came to us that night. At four in the morning, I was woken up by Dora whistling outside the tent

Me: Dora, what are you doing?
Dora: I’m trying to calm myself down


Me: Why?
Dora: Cuz you left me out here all night by myself to get eaten by vampires
Me: I thought you didn’t believe in vampires


Dora: I don’t, but it was cold and dark and I heard noises all night. Please let me in.

Me: Oh my God….

Look how phallic those sea stacks are!!!!

Dora: Can I PLEASE come inside.

Me: You’re such a baby. Why can’t you be more like my sister?
Dora: Why are you being such a jerk now that your sister is with us?


Me: I’ve always been a jerk to you
Dora: True.

Me: You can sleep in here til she gets back from the bathroom. Then you’re gone.
Dora: Don’t I get a sleeping bag?

Me: Sleeping bags are for people, not dolls

After we packed up, we hit the trail again. That’s when we realized why we hadn’t seen Edward all night

Crushed by the news (brought to us by Pepsi), we decided to give up. On our way back to the truck, we came across another gas station

And that’s when we saw a sign of hope

Where there’s Bella, there’s Edward


While looking through the collection of rocks that Bella had touched, we realized there weren’t any Edward rocks. Only Jacob

Then we saw Jacob’s hair


and his cousin’s hair

and then the garlic.

Me: Damnit! We’re in the Team Jacob headquarters. We’ll never find Edward here.
Sister: Wait. Look outside. On the porch

Me: Holy crap! I’m writing a note to Bella
Dora: I’m writing a note too


Me: First of all, you don’t know how to spell the word life. Secondly, I wasn’t aware you even knew what balls are
Dora: How could I not with that mouth of yours?
Me: Why the attitude Dora?
Dora: First it’s your sister. Now it’s Edward. I’m tired of being ignored

Sister: LOOK! I found him! Oh, Edward, won’t you kiss me?

Me: No, Edward. Look. I’m emo like Bella. God, those arms.

Dora: Hey, Edward. I’m sorry I didn’t believe in you. I’ll be your lamb if you’ll be my lion.

It was the best day of finding Edward Cullen on Summer Tour 2009 ever!

Bonus:

Behind the scenes: