Tag Archives: NYC

Getting Arrested Yet Again

A few weeks ago I was walking around the Upper West Side when I came across large colorful things that seemed out of place.

Apparently I’d stumbled upon a day-before-the-Macy’s-Thanksgiving-Day-parade party.

The first balloon I spotted was the Energizer Bunny balloon

which had a massive hole in it, making it look a little drunk

I wrongly assumed these guys were about to blow up someone cool, like Dora The Explorer or Papa Smurf maybe

But no. It was the Koolaid dude (which seemed strange given that it’s 2010. Does anybody even drink that crap anymore?)

I was stoked when I saw signs for one of my absolute favorite cartoon characters

but the stupid jerks decided not to blow him up for whatever reason.

My favorite balloon was the dough boy

who actually looked a little sad with his face shoved into the ground like that.

My least favorite? The boring Christmas ornament. What a waist of a balloon.

I never figured out what this was supposed to be or who the hell “Yes Virginia” is.

The longer I wondered around the streets, the more apparent it became that I was probably the only single woman in her thirties at this pre-parade party. I came across these ladies giving away free balloons to children, so I pretended like I was getting one for my kid.

My plan back-fired when they gave “my child” a ridiculously short stringed balloon.

They also had a Macy’s sign you could pose in front of with your kids

There was a tv crew there filming all the kids in front of the balloons.

so I pushed a few kids out of the way so I could get my turn on tv. I’ve always wanted to be a famous actress.

Towards the end of the tour I came across kermit.

When I saw this girl posing like Kermit was eating her, it inspired me to do the same.

only with a different orafice

Hee, hee, hee. I stuck my finger up kermit’s butt!

I also got the smurf to squash me

and Spiderman to give me “the shocker.”

Just when taking perverted photos started to get old, I came across this

The vehicle that drives the balloons!

I figured with all the cops gossiping on the corner, I could totally get away with taking that car for a spin.

but when I climbed over the gate to get to it, this woman totally ratted me out.

and I ended up in the squad car.

I tried flirting my way out of this mess, but I suck at flirting. Then I tried telling them my kid was back there waiting for me, but they could tell I was way too immature to be a mother.

So I ended up in the big house again

I’ve been to jail several times, so I don’t mind it so much. I just entertained myself mostly.

And when the time is right,

I make my escape.

Screw Macy’s and the cops. I win!

What Most People Do At Home, New Yorkers Do At Starbucks

Remember how I posted that story the other day about those models who use Starbucks as their dressing room?

Well, here’s another function of Starbucks for New Yorkers

A place to do an arts and crafts workshop

This lady learned how make her own necklaces while watching some do-it-yourself video. Her bags and caboodles full of crap were everywhere. No one seemed to even notice her. I don’t feel so bad about squatting for hours in Starbucks when I can’t write from home now. I love this city!

Let’s Get Physical

Queens is the most diverse county in America. I don’t think it’s a stretch, then, to say my gym is the most diverse gym in America.

Everyday is an adventure. Sometimes I swim laps, but I’m often times interrupted by an elderly Chinese woman who wants me to teach her to do flip turns. After laps, I’ll hang out in the hot tub (or what some would call a Turkish Bath) with old European men soaking and socializing. Later, in the locker room, my surrogate Russian grandmother will usually scold me for not showering even though I’ve tried explaining that I live next door and shower at home. She doesn’t believe me.

On days I’m too lazy to get my hair wet, I’ll go to the cardio room, which lacks all the grunting, slutty clothes, and boob jobs of a typical gym. While running on the treadmill, I’ll watch the 70 yr old Asia man practicing tai chi in the mirror or the younger Asian man hitting imaginary balls with his tennis racket while watching a dvd of a tennis player also practicing tennis strokes (I sometimes find this annoying because his DVD player, placed on the stair of a stairmaster, wastes a perfectly good machine). I usually end up showing an elderly Polish woman how to operate the stairmaster (which is difficult for her to do while holding that 40 pound purse she refuses to leave in a locker or on the ground right in front of her). The best part of this gym though, is the fact that I can get away with wearing the same pants everyday, which have holes in the crotch and mustard stains on the thighs, because outfits like this stand out more than my homeless attire.

If ever there was a perfect place for a travel writer to be temporarily grounded, New York City is it. I mean, who thought even going to the gym would be this exciting? I get to experience all the joys of world travel and nursing homes while burning off the food that continues to stain my clothes.

Bored To Death

I think people working at subway stations are either aspiring artists, really bored, or both.

Like this guy who makes his own signs out of tape

and draws pretty pictures

or this guy who makes origami out of subway tickets.

Mr. Mom

New Yorkers sometimes take the whole dog-being-just-like-a-baby thing a little too far