When vacationing in Florida, most people go to the beach. My sister and I went to a place called Dudley Farm 
This placed cost $4 to get in. It better be good.
I watched the informative video about the wonders of Dudley Farm
But the movie was really boring me and I could sense a narcoleptic attack coming
So I went outside to get some fresh air and wake up
While sitt’n on the porch, I noticed some suspicious fellas coming
So I followed them
As it turns out, the Pilgram lady was giving them a lesson on shucking corn
I wanted to shuck corn. So I got in line
It wasn’t fair though. The little 3 yr old got to go first cuz he was 3.
And he sucked at it
But of course, his parents and Grandma cheered him on as if he was the was the best shucker ever.
Me: Way to go little man. That was great.
Me (to myself): Too bad you suck at it, you little twirp
Even his high fives sucked.
Me (to myself): What are we waiting for? Let’s go. Stop giving him attention. He’s getting cocky. COME ON YOU STUPID OLD HAG!
Me: Okay, Sis. Get ready. It’s almost my turn.
Sister: Yep.
Me: Oh, my God! This so much fun. I’m so good at this.
Pilgrim Lady: Yeah, well not as good as that little one of course.
Pilgrim Lady (to herself): I can’t believe you’re waisting my time you pathetic girl. This shit is for kids, not women who should have popped out a couple of her own by now.
Me: Yeah, I think we both know I’m the best at it. I’m doing a good job. Right?
Pilgrim Lady: Sure. You’re doing a great job.
Pilgrim Lady (to herself): There’s other things a woman your age should be good at. Like changing diapers and giving head. You’re gonna die alone you poor girl. I’ll say a prayer for you tonight.
Twelve Year Old Girl: That girl really sucks at shucking corn. A two year old could do better.
3 Yrd Old: This bitch better back off. She’s cramping my style.
Weeki Wachee was the only city in the entire world with live mermaids
It was conveniently located next to a CVS. Thank God cuz I forgot sunscreen.
When I got to the gate, I couldn’t get in because it costs $35. That fee included the waterpark, which I wasn’t even interested in going to.
At first I thought it was beautiful
Then I looked a little closer
They’re just naked chics with unusually large hands. And their fins aren’t even real. They’re tied to their feet with a rope!
Me: Finally! A mermaid with a tail. But of course she’s not wearing a top. What is it with this place? It’s like a soft porn amusement park with fake mermaids.
Me: Who me? No. I love boobs. I have a pair myself. I just think it’s messed up. I mean, those other chicks up in the air are completely naked and y’all aren’t even wearing your sea shell bikinis like you’re supposed to.
Me: See! Turquoise is your color! You look fabulous!
Me: What? No way. You look great! You’re just self-conscience. Sure you’ve got headlight going on down there. I better watch out. Those things are so sharp you might stab me if I’m not caref-….
Mermaid #2: TAKE THIS FUCKING SHIRT OFF BEFORE I SLAP YOU ACROSS THE FACE WITH MY FIN, YOU JUDGEMENTAL, PRUDISH, LITTLE C-(bleep)
Me: Does that make you happy? You’re not mad at me right? We’re good….right? I mean, look. My bathing suit is falling off. See, I can look like a slut too. I-…
Mermaid #2: That‘s enough, I think you should leave. I need some space.
Me: Just let me know when you’re done needing your space.
Mermaid #2: That’s not enough. I think you should leave the mermaid park entirely.
Now it all made sense. No wonder they were so comfortable without their shirts on. They had all been hired from this place.
