Monthly Archives: December 2010

Please vote if you like my stories

Nominations for the ECNY awards are open until December 17th. If you really like my stories, I’d really like your nomination. It only takes thirty seconds but could seriously impact my career as a narcoleptic travel writer.

Click on the link below and consider me for any or all of the following catagories: Best Storyteller, Best Website, and Emerging Comic Award. Thank you thank you!

http://www.ecnyawards.com/nominate/

Blowing Pipes and Showing Some Skin

This guy with the bagpipes wasn’t even playing for money (notice the lack of a tip jar).

(NYC subway)

Quick Lube

This is what doctor’s offices in NYC look like.

Getting Arrested Yet Again

A few weeks ago I was walking around the Upper West Side when I came across large colorful things that seemed out of place.

Apparently I’d stumbled upon a day-before-the-Macy’s-Thanksgiving-Day-parade party.

The first balloon I spotted was the Energizer Bunny balloon

which had a massive hole in it, making it look a little drunk

I wrongly assumed these guys were about to blow up someone cool, like Dora The Explorer or Papa Smurf maybe

But no. It was the Koolaid dude (which seemed strange given that it’s 2010. Does anybody even drink that crap anymore?)

I was stoked when I saw signs for one of my absolute favorite cartoon characters

but the stupid jerks decided not to blow him up for whatever reason.

My favorite balloon was the dough boy

who actually looked a little sad with his face shoved into the ground like that.

My least favorite? The boring Christmas ornament. What a waist of a balloon.

I never figured out what this was supposed to be or who the hell “Yes Virginia” is.

The longer I wondered around the streets, the more apparent it became that I was probably the only single woman in her thirties at this pre-parade party. I came across these ladies giving away free balloons to children, so I pretended like I was getting one for my kid.

My plan back-fired when they gave “my child” a ridiculously short stringed balloon.

They also had a Macy’s sign you could pose in front of with your kids

There was a tv crew there filming all the kids in front of the balloons.

so I pushed a few kids out of the way so I could get my turn on tv. I’ve always wanted to be a famous actress.

Towards the end of the tour I came across kermit.

When I saw this girl posing like Kermit was eating her, it inspired me to do the same.

only with a different orafice

Hee, hee, hee. I stuck my finger up kermit’s butt!

I also got the smurf to squash me

and Spiderman to give me “the shocker.”

Just when taking perverted photos started to get old, I came across this

The vehicle that drives the balloons!

I figured with all the cops gossiping on the corner, I could totally get away with taking that car for a spin.

but when I climbed over the gate to get to it, this woman totally ratted me out.

and I ended up in the squad car.

I tried flirting my way out of this mess, but I suck at flirting. Then I tried telling them my kid was back there waiting for me, but they could tell I was way too immature to be a mother.

So I ended up in the big house again

I’ve been to jail several times, so I don’t mind it so much. I just entertained myself mostly.

And when the time is right,

I make my escape.

Screw Macy’s and the cops. I win!

The Leaving-NYC-for-an-undetermined-amount-of-time auction/party

Just click the link below to read stories from the auctioin/party thingy

http://melaniehamlett.tumblr.com/

Acrobats on the Subway

I’m always amazed at how unaffected New Yorkers are by insane things happening on the subway

(NYC)

Two Violent Deaths in the Perfect Disney Town

So that the creepy town Disney used to own called “Celebration” has just experienced it’s first murder. I knew that town was messed up. I went there with my sister a couple of years ago and somehow ended up spending the day taking pictures of me acting like their only homeless resident. I passed out on the benches and in a phone booth, pissed on the sidewalk, and ate out of the garbage. I’m surprised I didn’t get arrested, now that I think about it. The town is so creepy that the people who live there wear clothing with the logo “Celebration” on their polo shirts. They had more pride than people from Texas!

Last year I put together this 3 minute slideshow of me being homeless in Celebrations, set it to music, and put it on youtube. I hope you enjoy it. Just click the link:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WzFR3fNX3UI

Here’s a preview

Right after I posted this story, someone left a comment with a link to a SECOND violent death in Celebration this week. All those perfect people have gone psycho!