A few weeks ago I was walking around the Upper West Side when I came across large colorful things that seemed out of place.
Apparently I’d stumbled upon a day-before-the-Macy’s-Thanksgiving-Day-parade party.
The first balloon I spotted was the Energizer Bunny balloon
which had a massive hole in it, making it look a little drunk
I wrongly assumed these guys were about to blow up someone cool, like Dora The Explorer or Papa Smurf maybe
But no. It was the Koolaid dude (which seemed strange given that it’s 2010. Does anybody even drink that crap anymore?)
I was stoked when I saw signs for one of my absolute favorite cartoon characters
but the stupid jerks decided not to blow him up for whatever reason.
My favorite balloon was the dough boy
who actually looked a little sad with his face shoved into the ground like that.
My least favorite? The boring Christmas ornament. What a waist of a balloon.
I never figured out what this was supposed to be or who the hell “Yes Virginia” is.
The longer I wondered around the streets, the more apparent it became that I was probably the only single woman in her thirties at this pre-parade party. I came across these ladies giving away free balloons to children, so I pretended like I was getting one for my kid.
My plan back-fired when they gave “my child” a ridiculously short stringed balloon.
They also had a Macy’s sign you could pose in front of with your kids
There was a tv crew there filming all the kids in front of the balloons.
so I pushed a few kids out of the way so I could get my turn on tv. I’ve always wanted to be a famous actress.
Towards the end of the tour I came across kermit.
When I saw this girl posing like Kermit was eating her, it inspired me to do the same.
only with a different orafice
Hee, hee, hee. I stuck my finger up kermit’s butt!
I also got the smurf to squash me
and Spiderman to give me “the shocker.”
Just when taking perverted photos started to get old, I came across this
The vehicle that drives the balloons!
I figured with all the cops gossiping on the corner, I could totally get away with taking that car for a spin.
but when I climbed over the gate to get to it, this woman totally ratted me out.
and I ended up in the squad car.
I tried flirting my way out of this mess, but I suck at flirting. Then I tried telling them my kid was back there waiting for me, but they could tell I was way too immature to be a mother.
So I ended up in the big house again
I’ve been to jail several times, so I don’t mind it so much. I just entertained myself mostly.
And when the time is right,
I make my escape.
Screw Macy’s and the cops. I win!