One day I was arrested in Colorado with Dora and sent to this prison
How we ended up there is irrelevant. The important thing to know is that we were innocent.
I was surprised, actually, by how easy prison life was. My new cell was super nice
I’ve always been quite a bit of a tomboy, so the stuffed animals and little girl crap made me wanna puke at first.
but being in prison forced me to have an open mind. I decided to take an arts and crafts class
where I learned how to made my own purse
and crochette stuff for my room
like this pencil holder
Prison had a lot of other perks
like a free dentist
my first shower in weeks
and my first doctor’s visit in years.
in an office with amazing artwork to look at
while getting a pap
I also got to watch a lot of movies in their theater
though it was usually porn, believe it or not
I even found a new boyfriend
but, like most guys I’m attracted to, he was emotionally unaviable
and kind of a nut job who wore a stupid Giligan’s Island hat.
He ended up tearing his cell apart like a psycho
and was sent to solitary confinement
where he was forced to read the bible
and drink out of a dog bowl
Even Dora found a boyfriend in prison.
But surprise, surprise
he was a total wack job as well.
Dora tried to make friends in prison
but that didn’t go over too well
Jade: Yo, you better get the FUCK off my cot little girl before I stick Jill’s toothbrush up yo ass.
Jill: Hell no! I gotta put this thing in my mouth tonight. Use my toothpaste on her instead..
Dora: Okay, okay. I’ll sit on the top bunk.
Jill: And don’t you dare look at me anymore little girl or I’ll rape your face.
Dora: Got it
After that day, Jade and Jill had it out for Dora. They played all kinds of tricks on her like saran wrapping the toilet seat
and stuffing her in the industrial-sized dryer.
Dora thought avoiding them altogether would solve the problem. Then she met the prison guard whose sole purpose in life became torturing Dora
Prison Guard: Do you know what they did to little skanks like you in the old days?…..
they’d spank the shit out of them. Now bend over!
Dora couldn’t get out of bed for a week after that spanking
Things got even worse when Dora made the mistake of playing in teh gas chamber.
Who would have thought such a tiny little girl
could tip over a ginormous gas chamber!
For that one, she was sent to this room
where they used all kinds of crazy torture devices on her
before executing her
When I went to her funeral, I was shocked to see they’d made her share a coffin
with this guy!
Dora: Hey! I’m not dead, I was just pretending so that bitch-ass prison guard would leave me alone.
After Dora got out of the morgue, things went back to normal for a little while.
One day, though, I was daydreaming
about my crazy (hot) boyfriend
when I heard crying coming from Dora’s cell.
Me: Dora, what’s going on over there
Dora: I can’t take the bullshit them women are lay’n down no more. I’m gonna fuck some shit up if I don’t get outta here soon, yo.
Me: Okay, I’ll think of a plan. But only if you stop talking like that, yo.
Over the next few days, Dora and I plotted our escape at every given opportunity
in the yard
during meals
and whenever we had kitchen duty together
Me: So I hear the old man in the watch tower is a perve that likes little girls….
…All you gotta do is pleasure him a couple times and then we’re free. You think you can handle that?
Dora: Yeah, I’ll wiggle his worm if it gets me out of this shit hole.
Me: You know, cursing when you’re wearing a pink jumpsuit makes you look stupid. You really should lay off it.
Dora did what the watchtower man asked
but got busted by the prison guard who hated Dora. We were both sent to maximum security prison for the next five years
wear I gained two hundred pounds
and Dora gained a ton of muscle mass.
The joint made us hardened criminal
and we’ve never been the same
