One day I was driving down this dirt road in Kansas when I saw something in the distance
It was a giant red tower
and a house made of trash!
Even the car I parked next to was full of trash
I looked up and discovered these odd people staring at me from the tower, which is when I also realized I was at a museum!
When I went inside to check it out, I was greeted by the cutest old man
Trash Man: I’ll give you free admission to this here museum if you can guess what these red things are
Me: earrings?
Trash Man: Good guess, but no. They’re clips for a rooster’s beak.
Trash Man: Okay, I’ll give you one more chance to get in for free. What are these?
Me: femur bones?
Trash Man: Nice try. Actually, they’re walrus private parts. That will be $1 admission, please.
I paid my dollar and followed signs for the tower
The first room I came to was the “Blue Room,” which had a train set and random junk. Pretty boring.
But then I came to the red room,
where I found those people who’d been staring at me
Apparently, they’d had issues with people trying to touch them
In the red room there were steep stairs leading up to the tower
When I finally got to the top
I found the decapitated people
I’d noticed from the ground
and met some new friends.
Me: Hello! Crazy Museum, huh?
Couple: Sure is. Hey, did you guess the walrus penis?
Me: No! I’m so glad I’m not the only one!
I didn’t really care too much for the view of six states
because the Trash Man’s backyard was way more interesting
It was covered in piles of bottles
Actually, as I explored the museum more, I noticed Trash Man had an odd obsession with bottles
and dolls
He was even selling them for way more than they’re worth
along with other overpriced junk
like $15 cereal boxes
and $25 Barbie record players.
He even charged for vandalism!
Just when I thought I’d seen enough, I came across this sign
which took me through a cave
an into a room with the missing heads from the people on the roof.
That’s also where I met these people playing cards. They asked me to join them
It was only after the third hand that I realized they were crooks
Just then the lady (who was incredibly drunk) told me to give her all my money
Since her drunk husband (with the messed up beard) handn’t been paying attention,
I was able to steal his gun
right from under his discolored nose
I refused to play cards with them anymore, but offered to play a song to make peace between us.
The Trash Man heard me playing and decided to join us.
We were having a good ole time until, right in the middle of my Desperato ballad,
homeboy tried to make a pass at me
So I clocked him
His wife was jealous, so she asked us to leave
which was fine by me. Trash Man and I didn’t need them to have fun anyways.
Me: Hey, you know this has been fun, but I should really get going.
Trash Man: Well, before you leave, I wanna give you a chance to earn back your dollar
Me: Okay, what do I have to do
Trash Man: Just put this knife through your hand
Me: OUCH! Ok, now can I have my dollar back?
Trash Man: Sure. Will you hold this snake while I check the register
Me: Um..
Trash Man: Don’t be afraid. You can pet rattle snakes.
Little Boy: Mommy, that lady is going to die isn’t she?
Mom: Yes, darling, she is.
I didn’t die, actually. I just had another narcolptic spell. (That happens when I have overwhelming emotions)
When I woke up, I was staring down the barrel of a shot gun
Trash Man: How bad do you want that dollar? Bad enough to let me shoot you?
Me: No, keep the money. Please just let me go.
Trash Man: I’ll let you leave in one piece under one conidtion
Me: What? Anything
Trash Man: Don’t ever tell anyone the answer to the walrus penis quiz.
Me: AGREED!
If you ever go to this museum, please pretend like you don’t know the answer to the walrus question and just pay the dollar.
