Monthly Archives: January 2010

A popular license plate in Tennessee

Something about those chains makes me think this Pro-Lifer is also a Metallica fan

This church is in Trenton, Tennessee

I love games!!!!!!!!

One day I was walking around New York when I came across this Hot Dog place

When I saw the sign for the “dream hot dog,”

it reminded me of this guy I used to have a crush on that went by that name.

So I went inside looking for him

Well, to make a long story short, the place was robbed while I was in there. For some reason, the police thought me and some random guy in the store did it.

At first I was a little worried about going to jail

but the guy arrested with me assured me everything would be a-okay.

I got bored just sitting there, so I started spying on the cops in the front seat

I noticed one of them was checking his facebook page

Me: Hey, after this is all over and done with, will you friend me on facebook?

He ignored me.

I figured I’d trying chatting with someone a little nicer, so when I saw one of the detectives scoping out the crime scene

I asked him if he was a fan of hot dogs

He was not.

He asked me if I had anything else to say, so I pretended to be all scared of him

then went back to having fun in my cop car.

They took me into custody, which would have been fun

had I not been alone. I got bored real quick

which caused a narcoleptic attack

When I woke an hour later, the reality started to sink in and I got scared

Then it occurred to me I might be able to get out on mental insanity

so I tried to be like the Silence of the Lambs guy

but no one ever came to check on me.

Just then, the phone rang. No on was answering it, so I figured I probably should.

As it turns out, it was just a prank caller

pretending to be Ice T.

When I hung up the phone, I realized I was a free woman.

I was a little pissed the cops made my escape too easy

but glad to be gett’n the F out of there.

Of course, now I was a fugitive like these guys

so I had to think like a fugitive

and change my New Mexico plates to Jersey plates.

Unfortunately, my cover didn’t last long. I got pulled over the very next morning

I thought I was in big trouble

til I saw it was this guy

Track Suit Guy: Hey baby. I pulled you over cuz I think you’re hot.
Me: Who me?

Track Suit Guy: Damn straight. Wanna go for a ride in my new cop car? I just stole it from my neighbor.

Me: I thought you’d never ask!

I felt bad, but I took off with the dude’s car. Desperate times called for desperate measures

Two miles down the road, however, I got pulled over by the police

Me: You’ve got the wrong woman
Cop: I don’t think so. Your clothes are on inside out, which leads me to think you changed them in a hurry to disguise yourself

Me: No you silly goose. I’m a super messy eater. I never stain my shirts if I wear them inside out. Brilliant, right? (sadly, this part of the story is actually true)

Cop: What are you, like two years old?

Cop (to his partner): Hey look, we got ourselves a little baby who needs a bib.
Me: That’s not funny you jerk!…Besides, it’s called an eating shirt.

I managed to get my arm free for a minute, but he threw my head against the car

While he was handcuffing me, he told his partner a joke

Cop: hey, what’d the zero say to the number 8?
Cop #2 No idea.
Cop: Nice belt!

The thought of having to ride in a car with such an awful joke teller made me fight one last time to get away

but my damn narcolepsy got the best of me

When I woke up, I realized I was in a cop car

And I decided to make the best of it. Cop cars are super fun!

One day this SUV passed me while I was driving through West Virginia

Thank God because I’d totally forgotten to take my narcolepsy meds that day

One day I woke up in my friends’ driveway in Taos, New Mexico.

While I was brushing my teeth

I started to think I might be overstaying my welcome

so I went looking for other places to hang out. I came across a fellow truck dweller at the first parking lot

Unfortunately, the owner never got out of the truck, so I moved on.

I thought I’d lucked out at the next parking lot when I pulled up next to this couple

but all they wanted to do was sleep and read their stupid book.

This RV pulled in a little while later, but the people never came outside

so I just played with their cat

When the RV with the dog showed up a couple hours later, the RV with the cat had to leave

I was totally bummed that these people never came outside either, not even to hoola-hoop.

Just when I was about to leave and try another parking lot, this van pulled in

I’d been wanting someone to explain why the world was going to end in 2012.

Their van did just that.

I was a little intimidated by my potential new friends, so I spied on them from my truck

and drooled over the delicious meal they were cooking.

When they finished their lunch I mustered the courage to go and talk to them. We started off with some small talk about how boring today had been so far.

So I, of course, suggested we take some pictures of how bored we were.

and then the opposite of bored.

After telling them about my narcolepsy, I asked if they wanted to be (pretend) narcoleptic with me

The Vietnam Vet tried to pull one over on me

I made him try again.

Success!

I asked if we could pretend it was 2012 and we were watching the world ending.

which they, of course, were way into

SInce that one went over so well, I thought they’d really get a kick out of pretend murder.

I think the Vietnam Vet had lived through enough violence in his lifetime

but he was happy to hold Dora while I pretend murdered his son

No hard feelings though. His son said we’d always be friends forever

forever meaning three years, since we’re all gonna die in 2012.

One day I was driving through Virginia when I saw this creepy mannequin lady

with inbred hands

sitting on a dinosaur

for no particular reason.

This was my kind of town!

I saw these Post Office boxes in South Dakota

I don’t know who the post office sold their box to, but they have strange emblems and strict rules

I’m still dying to know what kind of flags are in that box!

I came across this sign in Washington.

The museum was a little too hostile sounding for my taste, so I passed it up.

I still don’t know what I don’t have a chance at though.

I came across this car at a gas station in Lexington, KY

Adding a new breakfast item to the saying “Eat My Grits” = Brilliant!!!!

One day I was driving through Washington looking for Mount Saint Helen’s.

After visiting both of the elk viewings

I went to take pictures of the volcano

Unfortunately, the cloud cover made this impossible

so I figured out where she should be

and took a picture

Since I didn’t get any pictures of the real volcano, I bought some souveniers

like a Milk sticker

and some personalized mints

It was my lucky day. (I always find Melissa souveniers, never Melanie) AMAZING!

and delicious!

Even better, I found a brand new pair of sandals in the parking lot!

This had happened to me once before in New York City

only those sandals had been a piece of crap.

After leaving the visitors center, I started looking for a place to get a beer

but this was the only store in the whole town.

When I drove a few more miles, I came across this town and stopped because they had rockets!

and a garage sale

which was inside this tree!

The sale was huge

but the owners were jerks

As I walked out of the garage sale tree

I noticed this Victoria’s Secret

and splurged on a brand new bra

which I didn’t need when I finally found a place to get a drink

On my way out of the saloon, I came across another tree

in this parking lot

with Mount St. Helen’s! I got to see the volcano afterall!!!!