(While part of this story is fantasy, most of the dialogue between the owner and me is verbatim)
After the creepy owner of the Hooker museum fed us some snacks, he took Dora and me on the tour
The first thing he showed us was a refrigerator that illegal immigrant prostitutes afraid of getting deported would hide in when the police raided. It locked from the inside!
Me: Can I get in there?
Owner: Why? You want to be an immigrant hooker or something?
Me: No, I’ve just never been locked in a refrigerator before.
Owner: Maybe later I suppose.
After showing us the room where men waited for their prostitutes
he took us to one of the nicer rooms
Apparently this room was haunted. The owner had painted an image of what the ghost prostitute who haunts the museum looks like.
Even though the corroner’s report had said it was an accident, the owner was convinced she was murdered.
Dora: Hey this bed is comfy.
Owner: Well look at that. Your little doll found a new career for herself.
Me: Um, yeah…….So anyways, can we meet this ghost?
Owner: Well, let’s keep going and maybe she’ll come out.
He took us down the hallway
(sponsored by Pepsi)
and into this room
Me: Hey look, handcuffs!
Owner: Do you want to try them on?
Me: Um, I don’t think so….But can you take a picture of me being a pretend prostitute?
Owner (a little too enthusiastically): SURE!
Owner: Doesn’t your doll wanna pose too?
Dora: Yes, yes! I do!!!!
Me: No, Dora. You’re just a child. Only grown-ups get to pretend to be prostitutes.
Owner: Okay, let’s go to the basement shall we?
He grabbed a flashlight and took us to the creepy staircase. The hooker in the window just watched us
Me: Man, I would hate to be one of the girls stuck in a dark, cold basement
Owner (shining the flashlight on my face): So, you’re a main floor kind of girl, huh?
Me: Well, I don’t think I’d be a hooker…..but yeah. I suppose I’d wanna be on the main floor with windows.
He took us into this room first
Hooker In The Corner (whispering): get out of here while you still can
Owner: Don’t listen to her. She’s just a dried-up old hooker. Let’s move on, shall we?
The next room he showed us was Room 28
I was fascinated by what this prostitute kept on her dresser
Owner: They even needed lubricant back then. Did you ever think about that?
Me: Nope. Hey, this prostitute believed in Santa!
Next to the lightbulb and light fixture on the bed was an old school vibrator
Owner: Would you like to hold it?
Me: Wow that sure is heavy!
Owner: Not as heavy as this paperweight. Wanna hold it?
Me: Wow! Now that’s ridiculously heavy (and big!) for a paperweight.
Owner: You like’em big, huh? And black?
Me: What? I just—
Dora: Hey look at this toy I found!
Me: Dora! Get away from that. Only grown-ups get to play with vibrators.
Dora: What’s a vibrator?
Me: Holy crap! Look at that photo!
While I was distracted by the old-timey lesbian picture next to Dora , the owner took her on the rest of the tour. When I finally found them, he was making Dora hit him.
Me: What the hell? She’s just a child!
I grabbed Dora and ran. We couldn’t figure out how to get out of the basement, so we asked these people
Man With Prostitute: Can’t you see we’re busy!
Owner: Good luck trying to get out of here without a flashlight girls
We blindly stumbled along until we came across this woman to ask for directions
Prostitute Hanging Clothes: Take a left at the top of the stairs, past Casper
Me: Casper?
Casper trick or treating was the ghost he was talking about? What a liar!
When I heard the owner coming up the stairs, I thought of the perfect hiding spot
Me: Don’t worry, Dora. He’ll never find us in here.
Dora: But he knows you wanted to get in the refrigerator. I bet this is the first place he’ll look
Dora was wrong. He looked outside first
Then he looked in the refrigerator
Me: Hi. Remember you promised we could get in the refrigerator?
Owner: We’re not done with the tour yet.
Me: Um, okay. We’ll finish in just a second. I still have to go to the bathroom, remember? Where is it again?
Owner: I don’t know.
Dora and I said we were going to the gas station to use the bathroom. We never came back
Best day holding a penis paper weight on Summer Tour 2009 ever!
