Monthly Archives: December 2009

One day I was driving through Nevada when I realized I needed some gas

This was the only gas station for the next 75 miles.

When I went in to grab a bite to eat

I discovered the most sophisticated ceiling I’ve ever come across in a gas station.

Being only a couple hundred miles away from Las Vegas, it didn’t surprise me to find

money bandanas

an ample supply of booze

(that was consolidated well),

gambling,

and precious stones!

I didn’t, however, expect to find

nice house plants,

a dinosaur head,

or African women porceline dolls.

As it turns out, the only food item in the entire store was ice cream.

I couldn’t believe they had Ben and Jerry’s Chunky Monkey. My favorite!

Zoltar: You sure you wanna eat that?

….There’s a reason why it’s got the word chunky in it and your ba-donk-a-donk ain’t gett’n any smaller.
Me: Who asked you? Besides, plenty of guys like my ba-donka-donk.
Zoltar: Right, like the boyfriend you don’t have.
Me: Hey, I never gave you a quarter, so why are you giving out unsolicited fortune telling advice?

Zoltar: This isn’t fortune telling. It’s stating the obvious. Give me a quarter and I’ll tell you your future for real.
Me: Fine. If that will shut you up

Zoltar: You’re getting married soon. Go to the men’s bathroom. You’ll find him in there.
Me: Don’t you think that’s a little inappropriate?
Zoltar: And those pigtails aren’t? What are you, like 30?

Out of curiosity, I checked out the men’s bathroom, which was easy to find thanks to the sign

Sure enough, when I opened the door, there he was!

Future Husband: Hey, check out this cool fountain. You can pee in it!

Me: This may sound strange, but I was told we’d be getting married.
Future Husband: Sorry toots, but I’m already married. Hey, look. You can watch yourself in the mirror while you pee in the fancy urinal!

….and you can tag the mirror afterwards!

Me: Yeah, that’s great. I’m gonna go. Sorry to have walked in on you like that.
(Not) Future Husband: Hey, no worries. I kinda liked it.

(Not) Future Husband: Hey toots… nice ass by the way.

Me: Zoltar, you’re a dick. And a liar. That guy was married.

Zoltar: So what? At your age, all the good men are taken, but that shouldn’t stop you.
Me: Sorry, but me and my big booty would rather stay single than break up a marriage
Zoltar: Zoltar forsees you staying single forever then.
Me: Hey, I didn’t give you a quarter.
Zoltar: That one’s on the house.

I didn’t leave the gas station with any food (since Zoltar made me feel fat) or a husband (since he was married), but I did score this amazing postcard!

that featured both the ceiling and the fountain urinal

Note: The man used in this story volunteered to be walked in on.

Driving through Kansas one day

I came across an Uncle Sam mailbox!

One day I was driving through Colorado when I came across this gas station.

Thank God. I was super low on gas.

Though disappointed they didn’t actually sell gas

I was stoked when I realized they lent out books!

Unfortunately, this public library was only open two days a week

so I left with no gas and no books. Bummer!

I came across this sign in Fairview, Tennessee yesterday.

I don’t think we’re there yet, but I’m not sure exactly where we’re going.

Very Clean!

That day I found the Nativity Museum, I realized it was a perfect place to buy Christmas presents. I was a little overwhelmed by my options though.

They had nativity scenes from everywhere

like Costa Rica

Mexico

China

and even Hawaii!

And there was a whole section from Africa alone.

While I liked the nativity cowboys,

(especially Mary up on the roof play’n the guitar)

Nativity Native Americans,

and nativity Amish,

my favorites were the nativity eskimos

The nativity people weren’t just people though.

They had Jesus with Mary and Joseph sheep

and Mary and Joseph lap dogs

Sometimes even the Jesus wasn’t human. They had a crystal Jesus

a mouse Jesus

Jesus moose,

Jesus rubber ducky

Jesus cat

with bears,

bears,

(wearing capes)

and more bears.

I knew it! Jesus was black.

My favorite was the Jesus chicken.

(and flying angel chickens)

Some nativity scenes consisted of just Mary

or just the three of them.

Or the three of them alone in a snow globe.

Actually they had several nativity snowglobes,

and nativity snowmen

and creepy nativity snow babies.

Speaking of creepy babies,

This one would have been creepy even if it wasn’t missing its thumb.

They had nativity sets for kids

like Peanuts,

Fischer Price nativity toys

and nativity finger puppets!

I had my choice between ceramic Precious Moments

or stuffed ones

My favorite, though, was the nativity Barbies

(even though baby Jesus clearly wasn’t a barbie)

Skipper played the shepard

and Ken was all three wise men

although one’s beard was a little unbelievable.

(It reminded be of Team America, actually)

These dolls were way more believable than the Barbie ones.

If there weren’t enough options already, they also had nativity baskets

ties

and candles.

I almost bought this nativity scene sponsored by Lori Morgan

But the cd player underneath the nativity statue wasn’t working

All this shopping made me hungry, so I grabbed a nativity plate

and a cookie out of the nativity cookie jar

which is where I saw the gingerbread nativity set

and nativity cookie cutters.

I chased the cookies down with some tea from the nativity tea set

After I started to crash from all the sugar, I grabbed a nativity pillow

and blanket

and headed for the back room

with a super powerful air conditioner

(August in Missouri can be dreadful)

When I woke up, I used their bathroom

which didn’t have any nativity scenes, but did have a chicken

and got back to shopping.

I was sooooo stoked to find this nativity chess set hiding in the corner

When I tried to buy it though, they wouldn’t accept my money

Apparently they only took United States 25 million angel bills

So stole this nativity puzzle

nativity wrapping paper,

nativity stamps to mail it,

and got the hell out of there.

When I left the Nativity Museum/Shop, I was hungry again

Luckily I noticed a fudge shop shop next door

which also sold creepy dolls

Made out of koosh balls!

One day I was walking around Branson, Missouri when I came across this nativity scene painted on a window (in the middle of August)

Then I realized it was

A Nativity Museum! I’d never been to one of those before.

Although it was Friday, and they should have been open, the door was locked. So I called 377-PRAY

and found out they would open in an hour.

I did some window shopping next door while I waited. Luckily the museum was next to two other places I had also been pursuing

a job

and a comedy distributor

Next door to JOKES was a suspicious store

selling brown paper bags I think,

Weezie’s, and a store that wouldn’t let me in because it discriminated against window shoppers.

Once the doors to the museum finally opened, I realized they were going out of business.

(I was comforted by the fact that the storeowner spelled just as poorly as I do)

I can’t ever resist a bargain, so I decided to buy a nativity scene.

But I was a little overwhelmed when the lady showed me the museum/store

It was GIN-OR-MOUS!

The owner had a map of all the places around the world where she’d bought nativity scenes.

Stayed tuned to the most ridiculous (and somewhat disturbing) collection of nativity scenes on the planet……

One day I was driving through Colorado and came across this place

Thunder and Buttons!

It was a little disappointed to find that it only sold booze, not thunder or buttons.

Then I realized it was next to the most amazing store ever

Badda Bing!

One day I was driving through Ventura, California when I came across this Public House/Pizza Parlor. I love pizza!

Someone pulled into the only parking spot left before I could. When I tried to park on the other side of the lot, I failed

because a ginormous big foot was taking up two spaces

I stopped my search for parking to admire the enormous telephone and clothing rack on the monster truck.

When I resumed my search, I found the last three parking spaces taken up by a huge storage shed

But my hope was renewed when I saw this parking sign. I figured it meant behind the restaurant

so I followed the pizza face man

(which reminded me of a cooler version of Pizza The Hut from Spaceballs)

to the back parking lot

which had yet another storage bin

with its contents exploded everywhere.

I never found parking, so I didn’t get any pizza. Bummer.