Monthly Archives: November 2009

Twilight Motels

Besides all the Twilight tourist attractions, the town of Forks also has Twilight Motels with Twilight rooms

Some even had Twilight heated pools!

Of all the motels, I respected this one the most

For their honesty.

Best Twilight Motels of Summer Tour 2009 ever!

The Twilight Subway Sandwich

One day I was driving though the town of Forks, Washington. I’d heard vampires live there, so I was on the look-out

I stopped at this gas station to get some popcorn

but I was too scared to eat if after I read this sign. It might be hot.

While standing in line for the bathroom, I noticed the drag racing contest.

That’s when I discovered my first sign of Vampires.

I went looking around for more clues about vampires when I noticed this back room.

The subway tapes had nothing about vampires, but they did make me realize I was craving some subway.

While debating about which sub to get from Jared’s suggestions

I noticed another vampire sign

This vampire suggested banana peppers and Jalepenos, but I’m not a fan

I decided to go with the Twilight sandwich instead

While choosing a bag of chips to go with my sub

I noticed they sold Twilight hats

That’s when I started to notice this gas station /subway was more into werewolves than vampires

Jacob eats there every single day!

Not only did they mostly sell werewolf shirts

like my sister bought

but the Twilight chocolate

only went towards educating tweens and werewolfs. Not vampires

We decided to eat somewhere else that might have vampires

but the only other restaurant in town was this chinese place

Dangit! Jacob had a monopoly on all the restaurants!

We left and went searching elsewhere. Stay tuned……

Best day of vampire hunting on Summer Tour 2009 ever!

Pet Cemetery

One day I was driving through Kansas and saw this hearse

I still haven’t figured out why it has a shelter built over it.

But I did figure out why it’s there to begin with

I’m guessing this is a pet cemetery, but no one in their right mind would name a place after a terrifying Stephen King novel

On the same property of the pet rest was a storage unit and a moving company

I’m sure this place is nice, but I think they’re lying. Dead dogs can’t vote, silly!

Potato Musuem Part 2

One day while walking through the Potato Museum I got a little bored, so I went and got Dora from the truck.

While I was looking at the world’s largest collection of potato mashers

Dora played with a new friend


Me: Hey c’mon. Let’s go through the cellar


Dora: Oh my goodness! Look, look, look!


Dora: A giant potato scale!

Me: Yeah, well don’t break it
Dora: He-ey. That was unnecessary.
Me: I know. I’m sorry. I’m just in a bad mood. Try not to be so annoying today, okay.
Dora: Okay. Hey look…


I can move a giant potato sac all by myself!
Me: Yep.
Dora: Look at me. I’m Godzilla on a farm and I’m gonna crush you little tractor. Roar!


Me: What you’re doing right now? That’s the definition of annoying. So stop it.
Dora: Hey look. A potato cutting machine

Dora: I can cut potatoes like nobody’s business


Me: Hey, you see the old fashion way of cutting potatoes?


Dora: Yeah.
Me: Well that is what I’m going to do to your face if you don’t stop being a jerk


Me: That or I’ll put you up on that shelf


Dora: Hey. Get me down.
Me: Are you gonna stop?

Dora: Okay fine. Now will you get me down….Hey, what’s that machine?


Me: It looks like a ride. Why don’t you go lay on the conveyer belt
Dora: Okay, fun!

Dora: Hey wait a minute. This thing is scary.
Me: If you keep your promise, I’ll save you from getting smashed like a potato.
Dora: I’ll do anything. Just help me. PLEASE!!!

Me: You have no sense of humor, Dora. I wouldn’t have let that machine murder you. C’mon. You know me better than that.
Dora: No, I don’t. You’re really convincing sometimes. And you really scared me
Me: Alright, alright. I get it. Let’s go to the gift shop. I’ll buy you one of those Spud Bob Starchpants T-shirt to make it up to ya

Dora: Can I have a Darth Tater shirt instead?

Me: Even better!

Dora and I also bought some cards for friends. They had Mr. and Ms. Potato Head cards for any occasion

and more specific cards for



Valentine’s Day

and even baby showers!

On our way out of the museum, this lady gave me a complementary potato bag

and on our way to the truck, Dora and I got a picture by the sign

in front of the world’s largest baked potato,

portion of sour cream, and slap of butter

These guys asked us to take their picture too
but really I think they were hitting on us

When we got back to the truck, I opened the potato sac the lady had given us


Holy Crap!


Hash Browns!!!!

That’s right. The sign at the museum had mentioned something about that

Best day of receiving free hash browns of Summer Tour 2009 (and my entire life) ever!

The Potato Museum

One day I was driving through Idaho and came across this museum


I’d always wanted to go to a potato museum!!!

I was first greeted by a stoner potato in a hot air balloon


Not only was I surprised to see such a cheap admission fee
but I had no idea that one could promote potatoes through hospitality

The museum was surprisingly crowded

While I waited for this lady to get out of the way so I could read the potato’s history

I read about reproduction


and diversity


I got distracted from all the learning


by the potato sac sewing machine


which created this potato sac tuxedo


and potato sac prom dress!


Behind the prom dress I noticed some people hanging out

They were watching a movie! I love movies!!!

It was a drama too!

After the movie, I checked out the potato’s claim to fame

Potato chips,
(I have a feeling this museum gets a kickback from Pringles)

French Fries,

and booze!


I forgot about the potato’s other claim to fame


Making a vice-president famous for being stupid

Best day of being educated about potatoes on Summer Tout 2009 ever!


Best Church Sign of the Week


An oil change while you’re at church. Brilliant!

Most efficient church from Summer Tour 2009 ever!

Coolest Pirate Ship Ever!

One day I was driving through Oregon when I spotted




Best pirate ship I’ve come across on Summer Tour (and my entire life) EVER!

Inbreeding and Moonshine, yeah!

One day I was driving through Tennessee when I came across this truck.


It was parked across the street from this sign


Being from the South, I have quite an affection for hillbillies


so I checked it out.


I’d never seen anything like it. A putt-putt golf course on the side of a mountain!


To get to the course, you had to ride in this coal-mining cart up steep tracks.


The hardest hole on the course was the farm equipment hole.

The easiest hole was the moonshine distillery hole.


maybe because it was meant for people super drunk.

SInce I never came across a single hillbilly during my game of putt-putt, I left. Just down the road, though, I found a whole village of hillbillies!


Luckily, parking was easy.


They had everything in this village.


even airbursh!


Since I’ve been away from the South for so long, I’ve forgotten what hillbillies are like.

I knew they had a reputation for drinking moonshine and sleeping all day on the porch,


shooting things with shotguns,


and carrying moonshine everywhere they go


But I didn’t know they were big environmentalists!


or known for having baby red elephant pets


While I remembered them being notoriously inbred

(that hand!)

(only four toes!)

I never realized the women were that slutty.
(those nipples!)

Best day of being with Southern folks on Summer Tour 2009 ever!

A Motel for Drunks

I never thought they’d have a motel catering to drunks


Apparently they don’t.

The motel changed their name to cater to sober people. Bummer.

Most disappointing hotel experience of Summer Tour 2009 ever!

Hookers, Dentists, and Confessionals

One day I was driving through Montana when I came across this church.

It was just what I needed. I wasn’t feeling like a good human being at the moment.

Dora: I don’t get it. Why are we at church on a Tuesday?
Me: Shhhhhhh! This is no place for your lip, missy.
Dora: It’s just a simple question
Me: It’s because I need to do some thinking, okay.

Me: I can’t keep it to myself anymore. I need to confess something.
Dora: Okay. Go ahead.
Me: No, if I”m gonna do it, I want to do it right. You be the pretend priest, okay.

Dora: But I don’t wanna be—–
Me: Just get in there, Dora. I really need to do this


Dora: Okay, how can I help you


Me: First of all, I wasn’t ready yet….

….Second of all, I can’t do this in the dark. Let’s turn some light on and start over.

Me: Forgive me God, for I have sinned


Dora: Are you ready yet?

Me: Yeah

Dora: Welcome to confessional. How may I help you?
Me: This isn’t a drive thru Dora. You really suck at being a pretend priest already.
Dora: Okay. Let me try again….So tell me what’s on your mind child

Me: Well, I had this dream last night.
Dora: What kind of dream?


Me: Well, me and Dora were—
Dora: Hey, I’m in the dream!
Me: Your job is to listen like a real pretend priest, remember?…..Anyways, so me and Dora went to this World Museum of Mining one day

And at first, we were having a lot of fun. We pretended to be miners



We played with their giant collection of babydolls


and superheroes



We even got some sauerkraut and actually enjoyed it!


They had an 80’s band playing on the front lawn of the museum and we rocked out to that for awhile

Then we decided to explore the town behind the museum and that’s when it got weird.
Dora: You don’t think it’s weird that a mining museum had a baby doll/superhero collection?
Me: No. So anyways, we explored this town


It had a tobacco shop


a school house


that even had one of those dunce hats, which I’m sure is what Dora would be wearing


Dora: Hey!
Me: You’re the priest, not Dora. Remember?
Dora: Fine

Me: They even had eastern medicine in this podunk town


next to Quong Fong Luandromat


Dora: This story is starting to bore me.
Me: Just wait. So just beyond the laundromat I noticed a cafe that sold weed.



and above the cafe, a hooker.


Underneath the hooker in the window was this sign about weak women


I told Dora she’d never be cured of her female weankess.
Dora: And what did I, I mean, Dora, do?
Me: She told she wasn’t weak. I said, “Prove it. Go to the dentist with those messed up teeth of yours.”


Dora: And she went?
Me: Yeah, but she cheated by going to a no pain dentist. So I made her go to the one next to the Yoga studio


Dora: And what happened
Me: Well, they messed up her teeth of course. So she threatened to sue.


Me: That’s when I got fed up with her. She’s always causing problems and making a stink about things. I just get so sick of it
Dora: And what did you do?

Me: Well, in the dream, I see this train
(by the way, they were supporters of Obama!!!!)

and this urge came over me…..

so I threw her on the train tracks
Dora: uh, huh…..
Me: and I enjoyed just sitting there. Watching her plea for her life.
Dora: And did she get run over by the train?
Me: No. The train never moved. But afterwards, when we were hanging out in the town square, I saw her standing there on the porch

underneath this sign


and I just stared at that stupid head and got totally enraged. This happens not just in the dreams though. I feel this way a lot, you know? Like I just want to kill her so freak’n bad sometimes


Dora: Really?…..Um, and how would you kill her?


Me: Well, first, I’d strangle her. Just grab that paper neck with my bare hands


and then I’d stab her 112 times


At least!

and then…and then….I don’t know


I just hate her so much sometimes and I don’t know why


Me: Am I an awful person or what?
Dora: No. It was just a dream, like you said. So as long as you don’t actually murder Dora, you’ll be fine.

Dora: I think we’re done here. We should go pray together my child


Dora (under her breath): Holy shit. That bitch is crazy!


We prayed together. I’m pretty sure both of us asked God to not let me murder Dora.




When I walked outside, I looked up at the mountains


and saw Mary


I knew I’d been forgiven for having such bad thoughts. And I was pretty sure I wouldn’t murder Dora.

Best day of fantasizing about strangling Dora on Summer Tour 2009 ever!