Melanie Hamlett – Wandering Narcoleptic

One day I was driving through Montana when I came across this church.

It was just what I needed. I wasn’t feeling like a good human being at the moment.

Dora: I don’t get it. Why are we at church on a Tuesday?

Me: Shhhhhhh! This is no place for your lip, missy.
Dora: It’s just a simple question
Me: It’s because I need to do some thinking, okay.

Me: I can’t keep it to myself anymore. I need to confess something.
Dora: Okay. Go ahead.
Me: No, if I”m gonna do it, I want to do it right. You be the pretend priest, okay.

Dora: But I don’t wanna be—–
Me: Just get in there, Dora. I really need to do this

Dora: Okay, how can I help you

Me: First of all, I wasn’t ready yet….

….Second of all, I can’t do this in the dark. Let’s turn some light on and start over.

Me: Forgive me God, for I have sinned

Dora: Are you ready yet?

Me: Yeah

Dora: Welcome to confessional. How may I help you?
Me: This isn’t a drive thru Dora. You really suck at being a pretend priest already.
Dora: Okay. Let me try again….So tell me what’s on your mind child

Me: Well, I had this dream last night.
Dora: What kind of dream?

Me: Well, me and Dora were—
Dora: Hey, I’m in the dream!
Me: Your job is to listen like a real pretend priest, remember?…..Anyways, so me and Dora went to this World Museum of Mining one day

And at first, we were having a lot of fun. We pretended to be miners

We played with their giant collection of babydolls

and superheroes

We even got some sauerkraut and actually enjoyed it!

They had an 80’s band playing on the front lawn of the museum and we rocked out to that for awhile

Then we decided to explore the town behind the museum and that’s when it got weird.
Dora: You don’t think it’s weird that a mining museum had a baby doll/superhero collection?
Me: No. So anyways, we explored this town

It had a tobacco shop

a school house

that even had one of those dunce hats, which I’m sure is what Dora would be wearing

Dora: Hey!
Me: You’re the priest, not Dora. Remember?
Dora: Fine

Me: They even had eastern medicine in this podunk town

next to Quong Fong Luandromat

Dora: This story is starting to bore me.
Me: Just wait. So just beyond the laundromat I noticed a cafe that sold weed.

and above the cafe, a hooker.

Underneath the hooker in the window was this sign about weak women

I told Dora she’d never be cured of her female weankess.
Dora: And what did I, I mean, Dora, do?
Me: She told she wasn’t weak. I said, “Prove it. Go to the dentist with those messed up teeth of yours.”

Dora: And she went?
Me: Yeah, but she cheated by going to a no pain dentist. So I made her go to the one next to the Yoga studio

Dora: And what happened
Me: Well, they messed up her teeth of course. So she threatened to sue.

Me: That’s when I got fed up with her. She’s always causing problems and making a stink about things. I just get so sick of it

Dora: And what did you do?

Me: Well, in the dream, I see this train

(by the way, they were supporters of Obama!!!!)

and this urge came over me…..

so I threw her on the train tracks
Dora: uh, huh…..

Me: and I enjoyed just sitting there. Watching her plea for her life.
Dora: And did she get run over by the train?
Me: No. The train never moved. But afterwards, when we were hanging out in the town square, I saw her standing there on the porch

underneath this sign

and I just stared at that stupid head and got totally enraged. This happens not just in the dreams though. I feel this way a lot, you know? Like I just want to kill her so freak’n bad sometimes

Dora: Really?…..Um, and how would you kill her?

Me: Well, first, I’d strangle her. Just grab that paper neck with my bare hands

and then I’d stab her 112 times

At least!

and then…and then….I don’t know

I just hate her so much sometimes and I don’t know why

(Crying)

Me: Am I an awful person or what?
Dora: No. It was just a dream, like you said. So as long as you don’t actually murder Dora, you’ll be fine.

Dora: I think we’re done here. We should go pray together my child

Dora (under her breath): Holy shit. That bitch is crazy!

We prayed together. I’m pretty sure both of us asked God to not let me murder Dora.

When I walked outside, I looked up at the mountains

and saw Mary

I knew I’d been forgiven for having such bad thoughts. And I was pretty sure I wouldn’t murder Dora.

Best day of fantasizing about strangling Dora on Summer Tour 2009 ever!