Daily Archives: November 2, 2009

Hulk Hogan Selling His Body

One day I was driving through Washington state and came across this amazing office space/animal sale.


They had every kind of animal possible

like Mama and baby giraffes


killer whales on fences

ginormous horses

and baby elephants (Dora’s favorite)

On her way to go see the other baby elephant, Dora ran into this rich dude

Dora: Hey, meet my friend AL. He said he’d buy me that elephant
Me: Well hello there, AL. Pleasure meeting you.
Hey, Dora. I saw an alligator over behind the tent. Why don’t you go check it out.
Dora: Okey-dokey

While Dora looked for the alligator eating a lady’s head
I got to talk to AL.

Me: So, AL, are you really gonna buy us one of these animals? We can’t really afford one on our own ya know
AL: I’d love to toots.

Me: Oh, you’re so such a nice man, AL.
AL: Yeah, well not as nice as that ba-donka-donk of yours

Me: What? Get your hands off of me you asshole! I thought you just wanted to do something nice.


AL: If slapping that J-Lo booty of yours is what you consider nice.

Just then, I heard Dora screaming

Dora: Help me! This man won’t stop stepping on me


I grabbed Dora from underneath the dancing man, and ran over towards the animals


Within minutes, Dora had already made a new friend


Dora: Hey, Melanie. This man said he’d protect us from that dancing man


Hulk: That’s right. I’ll protect you…. but not for free of course.

Hulk: I gotta pay the bills somehow. Especially since that skanky wife of mine filed for divorce, I hate that c—
Me: Well, sorry, but we can’t afford any animals or a $250 bodyguard. I think we should go. Come on, Dora.

On our way out, we saw Marylin Monroe driving a bumper car!
Marylin: Don’t leave ladies empty-handed ladies
Me: Well, I wish we didn’t have to, but we can’t afford an animal
Elvis: Hey there princess. I’ll buy you one

Me: Really?
Elvis: Sure, but only if you fill this prescription for me first
Me: I can’t, Elvis. I already have a hard enough time filing my own controlled substance prescriptions. Ritilin (I’m narcoleptic) ain’t easy to get when you’re an adult, ya know.
Elvis: Bummer

On our way out, this lady stopped us.

Lady: Hey, if you won’t buy an animal, how about this car?

Me: I don’t have money for an animal or a car.

Lady: Then how about some real estate?

Me: Thanks, but again, WE DON’T HAVE MONEY. Geez!

So we left the Real estate place/ animal sale/ car dealership/famous people gathering/office space place empty-handed.

Best day of encountering the pushiest people on Summer Tour 2009, ever!