Monthly Archives: October 2009

My sister Shannon joined us for a whole week of Summer Tour!

One day my sister, Dora, and I were driving through Olympic National Park in Washington and realized we really needed a bathroom. Pronto.

We asked this lovely couple if there was a gas station around.

They suggested we ask the people in the bus if we could use their facilities.

Even if I didn’t need to use the bathroom, I would have made up an excuse to explore the most amazing bus ever!

Of course, I wasn’t sure what on earth the bus was exactly.

Maybe it was the home of someone obsessed with The Wizard Of Oz.

Or Sesame Street

Actually, it was a coffee shop

I asked the people inside if Dora and I could use their bathroom.

The dude said we could, but only in exchange for labor. Yeah, we knew. Water wasn’t free.

So Dora and I helped out his wife

I made sandwhiches

while Dora made coffee

I was taken off sandwhich duty for reasons I still don’t understand, and put on coffee duty with Dora.

But Dora sucked at making coffee. And so did I.

So we got stuck doing the stupid dishes.

While Dora and I worked our butts off just to use their nasty bathroom

my sister (who didn’t have to go) hung out with the bus people.
Since they weren’t paying attention, I figured I could take a break and let Dora cover for me.

I chilled out in their living room for awhile

and played with their cute little pit bull

I noticed they had a guitar.

So I played my favorite love song

and then a little Pantera

All that playing wore me out

so I laid down on their bed for a minute

and soaked in the rays from their sunroof

The sweet little pit bull joined me on the bed

Unfortunately, the sun and beds make my narcolepsy worse

So I fell asleep accidentally.

I woke up an hour later

to the dog just staring at me

and the wife yelling at me to get off her bed.

On my way out the door

I stole some coffee.

And I don’t feel the least bit bad about it.

Cuz they were drug addicts anyways.

When we thanked them for letting us use their bathroom, they kicked us out the door.

As I walked away, I took a closer look at their bus.

No wonder they were psycho. They were freak’n aliens!!!!!!

Best day of playing with dogs and guitars and stealing stuff on Summer Tour 2009 ever!

This story is not entirely true. This couple was so nice and totally amazing… not aliens or drug addicts. They are actually looking for property to buy where they can park their bus. If you have some, leave a comment on this story for them.

One day while driving through New Mexico, I realized I really needed some color. Unfortunately, it’s not always sunny in New Mexico

But that didn’t matter because I found a tanning salon

I was a little disappointed that I didn’t quite look like the chick on the door when I left

but that’s okay. I didn’t need a tan to feel good about myself.

Wigs, some romantic stuff, and helium balloons would suffice.

The only thing I hate about tanning is how much it dehydrates you. Luckily, I just so happened to pass a water store

that happened to have my favorite foods

Before getting some water, I checked out their thrift store

but everything was a little over-priced.

I got a little distracted by the multi-flavored beef jerky

which made me more thirsty for beer than water

Unfortunately though, you had to bring your own beer to this stupid store

They did have satellite tv I could watch while drinking my water

I had hoped to get some ice cream while I was there too, since that’s what the signs said

and maybe even pick up a guy, since that’s also what the sign implied

But I failed at getting ice cream or a guy. All that romantic crap I had bought at the tanning place ended up going to waist.

Best day of eating beef multi-flavored jerky but not picking up a guy of Summer Tour 2009 ever!

One day I fell asleep while driving through Idaho (which wasn’t, of course, the first the time I fell asleep while driving or driving through Idaho).

When I saw this cool Drive-in movie theater, I figured a good action flick would be the perfect way to combat another narcoleptic attack.

Dora: But I don’t want to see Transformers 2. It’s just a bunch of stupid inanimate objects acting like humans.
Me: Um, you’re one to talk, Dora. Besides. How cool would it be if our truck talked and killed people with lasers and stuff?

Not only were the matinees free

we had the whole movie theater to ourselves!

Like usual, I snuck in my own soda.

Me: Want some?
Dora: Sure. Thanks

While waiting for the previews, I fell asleep (which is what usually happens).

Half hour later…

Dora: Hey, wake up. The movie still hasn’t come on.
Me: Just give it a minute…

…. Do me a favor and wake up up when the movie starts.

Half hour later

Dora: Hey, wake up. I don’t think they play movies during the day here. It’s not dark enough.
Me: But it’s free. Just watch a little longer

Dora: But I’ve been watching a blank screen for like an hour. It’s not coming on. I’m really bored and I wanna go.

Me: Oh, yeah? Well little miss thrill seeker, I know of another drive-in you might find more interesting.

Me: Hey Dora. Aren’t you glad we aren’t on a motorcycle right now?
Dora: This is terrifying. I don’t want to go in.

Lucky for Dora, I didn’t have $14

and the bears weren’t agreeable that day anyways.

It was a complete drive-in failure of a day.

But it was the best day of scaring the crap out of Dora on Summer Tour 2009 EVER!

I was looking for a place to do my laundry in Wyoming one day when I came across this place

At first I was super excited I could get my clothes and my truck washed

Then I noticed this sign and got a little creeped out.

I didn’t want some donkey stealing my clothes

or some psycho lady coming at me with a broom.

And it didn’t really look like this place actually cleaned your clothes anyways.

On top of all that, the entrance to this place was absolutely terrifying.

But not as terrifying as the place next door, which made you enter through a frick’n cave!

Best day of being completely unsuccessful doing laundry on Summer Tour 2009 ever!

One day I was driving through Arkansas and got a craving for some sugar. Then I saw this store. Score!

The only thing I love in the world more than jelly beans

was not having to get out of my truck to get me some jellybeans.

They sold them by the bag or package. How convenient.

I couldn’t figure out why they sold tobacco at a candy store though.

As a matter of fact, all they had was tobacco and booze. Not a single freak’n jelly bean in the whole store.

Bummer!

Best day of big jellybean disappointments of Summer Tour 2009 ever!

One day I was driving through this small town in Colorado when I saw something in the distance

No way! It couldn’t be…

A castle made out of trash!!!!

This castle had everything

including a huge area beside the house for hired help,

a nice house for them,

vehicles for them to get around in

and Tee Pee’s with hubcaps for their children to play in

They were so rich, they didn’t even have to buy food from the store. They’d just get whatever they wanted fresh from their farm.

Like chicken

Geese

even goat!

This goat thinks knocking over the propane stove will prolong his life, but unfortunately, it’s tied to a chair.

The hired help and the castle dweller seemed to really be into Jesus

and hoops

(although I’m not sure what a mor is)

They were also patriotic

and drug addicts

Even though they believe alcohol and tobacco “is kills”

they have a saloon in their front yard for some reason

as well as HELL

I felt sorry for their neighbors who weren’t nearly as wealthy

Not only was their house not a castle, but it wasn’t made out of trash. Luckily, they could at least afford to have a little trash in their yard

Best day of finding a drug-addict, jesus-loving trash castle community on Summer Tour 2009 ever!

One of the reasons I sleep in my truck instead of hotels (besides the whole not-having-money-to thing) is

I don’t feel like I belong

I’ve never quilted a day in my life

(although I might relate to them in terms of having crazy days)

A lot of motels like people who quilt apparently

they even have a quilt shop in this Bed and Breakfast

I’m not really sure if this is actually a B & B though. Seems more like an apartment complex.

I also don’t bowl

or study the Bible.

and

I am not a member of a full gospel church or battery group (whatever that is)

and I’m not a crusty, old “seasoned” senior citizen.

I’m okay with this. I didn’t want to stay at these places anyways. So there.

Best day of feeling inferior yet superior to motel people on Summer Tour 2009 ever!

I was driving down the highway in Tennessee one day when I came across this pawn shop

After I read this sign,

I thought about it….

If Jesus came by this pawn shop today, he’d probably be more interested in buying than selling. Jesus doesn’t really need cash. My guess is, he’d be shopping for guns

and a truck. Since he’s Jesus, he wouldn’t mind a beat up truck. If he can walk on water, he can fix a flat

Money not being an issue for Jesus

he probably wouldn’t need their generous hunting rifle loan

My guess is he’d also stay at the motel next door while he was in town

and find a new best friend.

Best day of thinking about Jesus on Summer Tour 2009 ever!

P.S. This pawn shop reminded me of that gas station that Jesus bought guns at (that I posted last week)

I’m starting to think he is kind of a gun fanatic.

One day, Dora and I were driving through Boise, Idaho (on our way to the Potato Museum) when we came across these tents.

Holy crap! It was a Goddess Festival!

There were all these booths selling the coolest stuff

like romance enhancement parties

(for women only)

crazy hair,

face-painting, and SAND!!!!

They also had a pavilion for people wanting to take naps (or for narcoleptics)

and TONS of food

like Egyptian Food

corn dogs, curly fries

and my favorite: cotton candy!

They even had Kanak food

which, according to Wikipedia, is from a tribe of people named after ME!

On my way to go get a caramel brownie and apple dumpling, I noticed a real, live Goddess.

And God!

I ended up joining them for lunch.

When we were done they suggested I go and see the belly dancers

They were right. The dancers were on fire!

The solo belly dancer had an AMAZING performance

I noticed out of the corner of my eye this sketchy dude watching Dora.
Unfortunately, I didn’t listen to my maternal instinct about him

because I got distracted by the fair food behind him. I told Dora I’d be right back, and went and got me some deep fried cinnamon roles

deep fried coke, and dog bites (which I’d never had before, but were amazing)

When I got back, Dora was gone!

I prayed to my Goddess (which I didn’t really believe in) about what I should do. She told me to follow the hippies. So I did

This tie-dye wearing woman selling purses (just like they do in NYC!) didn’t have a clue

nor did this incredibly tall hippy lady

or the hippy dude sewing,

I asked this tie-dye lady stretching in the rose garden, but she didn’t know crap

nor did this hippy selling BBQ.

I was at a total loss. Until….

I noticed some suspicious shoes.

Birkenstocks! I knew only hippies (and Germans) wore Birkenstocks.

I noticed this man, who just so happened to be missing shoes.

So I followed him into The Red Tent.

The dude disappeared. But then I ran into these ladies

Me: Excuse me. Sorry to interupt, but I’m looking for my doll with a Pinata head. Braces. Cute but annoying. Have you seen her?
Lady1: I’m so sorry, but no, we haven’t. We’re preparing for the Goddess’s arrival though. Maybe she will know.

Just then the Goddess arrived

Goddess: Who let this bird in here? Now I have to kill it with my stick and you know how much I hate killing things, girls.
Lady2: Sorry Goddess. It won’t happen again.
Goddess: Better not. I shall sit now.

My corns are killing me.

Well, hello there, Melanie. Where’s that cute little girl of yours?
Me: I wish I knew. Can you help me?
Goddess: Nope……..But maybe God can.

God: Sorry. I got noth’n.
Goddess: Why don’t you follow your gut, dear. I have some goddess studying to do. Try asking my doll if she’s seen your doll
Me: Well thanks
Me Under my breath: for nothing you stupid c—(bleep).

The Goddess’s doll was kind of a jerk and told me to try magic

which didn’t work of course

When I left the tent, I immediately came across some more hippies selling tie-dye. That’s when I noticed the sign for a Journey Into You

Maybe Goddess was right. Maybe I needed to do some soul searching for answers.

I waited in line for a reading

but these old people took too freak’n long

So I found another booth

that had readings and crytstals

The lady didn’t say much, so I got another one done at this tent

But she didn’t know jack. Maybe I was just asking the wrong people.

Kids might know better anyways. So I asked these kids

Unfortunately, the boy was no help and the girl wouldn’t freak’n wake up. (maybe she was narcoleptic though).

So then I asked this baby by the prayer flags.

Her parents wouldn’t let me talk to her

And this kid getting baptized by a Goddess couldn’t tell me anything either

because her Mom wouldn’t let me interupt for just one second to ask a really important question. Jerk!

I was at the end of my rope. Totally defeated….And then I saw these people

They pointed me in the direction of the security guards

Me: Excuse me. Have you seen a little girl named Dora with a giant head.

Security guards: (total silence)

I didn’t have time for games. I left and found more helpful security guards

They told me they saw a weird-looking doll with that Goddess just ahead

When she turned around, she had Dora!!!!!

Me: Oh my God! Where have you been, Dora?!!!!!
Dora: These God-like people had me captive in a tent. Then this lady came to rescue me when they were about to leave with me

Me (to Goddess lady): But how did you get her back from them?

Goddess: I’m Goddess security. It’s my job to bust the Phony Gods and Goddesses. We’ve put up signs everywhere.

Me: Well thank you so much.
Goddess: Don’t thank me. Just learn how to be more responsible next time

As we were leaving, I noticed this sign

That Goddess was right. If I was gonna be a good Mom, I had to change my ways.

So I started reading this book. And haven’t had Dora kidnapped since.

Best day of busting phony god/goddesses on Summer Tour 2009 ever!

(While the festival and the people in these pictures are real, the crimes are not, of course. The God and Goddess were actually super nice folks who showed me an amazing time. )

I was driving down the highway one day in Washington and saw this awesome truck. What a great idea! Just cut the top off entirely

It reminded me of this truck I saw in Arkansas

outside the Chinese Buffet

that was for sale!

Unfortunately, a new camoflage truck wasn’t in my budget.

But camoflage sunglasses were!

Once I bought the camo glasses, I started seeing camo everywhere

military vehicles (with mismatched camo)

camo Bronco’s

camo suburbans

which I barely noticed since the camo was so effective

I even saw a camo luxury vehicle

that was white, but had camo detailing

My favorite camo was in Montana though

I’m pretty sure these dudes who work at NAPA also own a fence company.

While we do share a likeness for The Dukes of Hazzard

we don’t see eye-to-eye politically.

The Anderson Fence guys had a sense of humor

but they were kind of a dicks

They weren’t as bad as this guy

who’s thought it was funny to disrespect my Mom.

Best day of camouflage on Summer Tour 2009 EVER!