One day Dora and I were driving through Wyoming…
when we saw a bunch of people on horses.
Dora: Oh my God, I love horses! Can we please go horseback riding? I’ll do anything. Pretty please?
Me: If you can keep your trap shut for the next three days, I’ll do whatever you want. Hell, I’ll even buy you a horse.
So we drove to Jackson Hole, where I used to live. They always had that kind of touristy crap in Jackson.
As soon as I saw this lady on a horse, we parked the truck and followed her.
Sure enough, they had tons of horses
Me: See, I told you they’d have horseback riding in Jackson Hole.
Dora: But that’s not a horse. That’s a pony. Ponies are for babies.
Me: Actually, ponies are for rich little girls. I don’t have five bucks to spare on an ungrateful poor little girl anyways.
Dora: I’m not ungrateful, I just —
Me: Wait. look at that sign!
Me: If you’re too cool for a pony, are you also too cool for the wold’s smallest horse?
Dora: Oh my God!
We went behind the tiny box to find the tiny horse
and found it sleeping.
Dora: Hey little horsie!
Me: You know it says something when the freak show thinks you’re the freak, Dora. Just look at its face.
Dora: He’s scared of people, not me.
Me: Maybe they’ll let you be in this freak show with your big ass head.
Dora: You’re mean.
Me: Hey, speaking of freaks, what are those people doing?
Hippy dude: Hey look man, a bull named after weed!
Dora got her picture taken with Nugget. She didn’t understand the drug reference of course.
Nugget, actually, wasn’t nearly as impressive as the other big-horned bull.
I was a little too scared to put my recyclables in their designated recycling bucket.
Dora wanted her picture taken with all the animals of course.
The hunch-back bull
The pigs (especially the pink runt one)
and a cow.
Unfortunately, the cow had to be milked and was in no mood for pictures.
When Dora saw this family playing with goats (her favorite), she insisted we stop.
I remembered having seen these signs on the way in
but I didn’t really take them seriously.
Little did we know, they were ravenous!
Dora: Hey look, they’re sucking on my hand!
Me: Yeah, that’s cuz they think you’re a nipple.
The goats starting ganging up on Dora
But I didn’t notice cuz I was too busy checking out the hot guy next to the cows.
Dora: OUCH! He’s eating me!
Me: You know, Dora, as much as I hate redneck guys, there’s just something about a man with a pitchfork
Me: What’s the probl—–
Me: Holy shit. Give me that you stupid goat!
As I tried to ask Dora what happened, he came back for more
I grabbed Dora and took her away…
but the goat seemed somewhat pleased with himself.
Dora said she felt dirty and violated
so I took her to the convenient hand-washing station.
Me: Hey don’t worry about what happened back there. I’ll glue your hair back on.
Dora: I HATE GOATS NOW. They can go tongue my shi—
Me: Whoa! Watch your language there, Dora. Where’d you learn to talk like that?
Dora: I heard you say it the other day.
Me: Oh, yeah.
I took Dora over to this cow to take her mind off the assault
Me: Go ahead. The sign said you can brush him
Dora: But I’m scared now.
Me: Okay, then I’ll just make you do it.
Dora: Okay fine!
After Dora faced her fear, I promised I’d take her we’d go ride some real horses.
And wouldn’t you know we found some
Best day of getting assaulted by a goat on Summer Tour 2009 EVER!