One day, Dora and I were driving through Boise, Idaho (on our way to the Potato Museum) when we came across these tents.
Holy crap! It was a Goddess Festival!
There were all these booths selling the coolest stuff
like romance enhancement parties
(for women only)
face-painting, and SAND!!!!
They also had a pavilion for people wanting to take naps (or for narcoleptics)
and TONS of food
like Egyptian Food
corn dogs, curly fries
and my favorite: cotton candy!
They even had Kanak food
which, according to Wikipedia, is from a tribe of people named after ME!
On my way to go get a caramel brownie and apple dumpling, I noticed a real, live Goddess.
I ended up joining them for lunch.
When we were done they suggested I go and see the belly dancers
They were right. The dancers were on fire!
The solo belly dancer had an AMAZING performance
I noticed out of the corner of my eye this sketchy dude watching Dora.
Unfortunately, I didn’t listen to my maternal instinct about him
because I got distracted by the fair food behind him. I told Dora I’d be right back, and went and got me some deep fried cinnamon roles
deep fried coke, and dog bites (which I’d never had before, but were amazing)
When I got back, Dora was gone!
I prayed to my Goddess (which I didn’t really believe in) about what I should do. She told me to follow the hippies. So I did
This tie-dye wearing woman selling purses (just like they do in NYC!) didn’t have a clue
nor did this incredibly tall hippy lady
or the hippy dude sewing,
I asked this tie-dye lady stretching in the rose garden, but she didn’t know crap
nor did this hippy selling BBQ.
I was at a total loss. Until….
I noticed some suspicious shoes.
Birkenstocks! I knew only hippies (and Germans) wore Birkenstocks.
I noticed this man, who just so happened to be missing shoes.
So I followed him into The Red Tent.
The dude disappeared. But then I ran into these ladies
Me: Excuse me. Sorry to interupt, but I’m looking for my doll with a Pinata head. Braces. Cute but annoying. Have you seen her?
Lady1: I’m so sorry, but no, we haven’t. We’re preparing for the Goddess’s arrival though. Maybe she will know.
Just then the Goddess arrived
Goddess: Who let this bird in here? Now I have to kill it with my stick and you know how much I hate killing things, girls.
Lady2: Sorry Goddess. It won’t happen again.
Goddess: Better not. I shall sit now.
My corns are killing me.
Well, hello there, Melanie. Where’s that cute little girl of yours?
Me: I wish I knew. Can you help me?
Goddess: Nope……..But maybe God can.
God: Sorry. I got noth’n.
Goddess: Why don’t you follow your gut, dear. I have some goddess studying to do. Try asking my doll if she’s seen your doll
Me: Well thanks
Me Under my breath: for nothing you stupid c—(bleep).
The Goddess’s doll was kind of a jerk and told me to try magic
which didn’t work of course
When I left the tent, I immediately came across some more hippies selling tie-dye. That’s when I noticed the sign for a Journey Into You
Maybe Goddess was right. Maybe I needed to do some soul searching for answers.
I waited in line for a reading
but these old people took too freak’n long
So I found another booth
that had readings and crytstals
The lady didn’t say much, so I got another one done at this tent
But she didn’t know jack. Maybe I was just asking the wrong people.
Kids might know better anyways. So I asked these kids
Unfortunately, the boy was no help and the girl wouldn’t freak’n wake up. (maybe she was narcoleptic though).
So then I asked this baby by the prayer flags.
Her parents wouldn’t let me talk to her
And this kid getting baptized by a Goddess couldn’t tell me anything either
because her Mom wouldn’t let me interupt for just one second to ask a really important question. Jerk!
I was at the end of my rope. Totally defeated….And then I saw these people
They pointed me in the direction of the security guards
Me: Excuse me. Have you seen a little girl named Dora with a giant head.
Security guards: (total silence)
I didn’t have time for games. I left and found more helpful security guards
They told me they saw a weird-looking doll with that Goddess just ahead
When she turned around, she had Dora!!!!!
Me: Oh my God! Where have you been, Dora?!!!!!
Dora: These God-like people had me captive in a tent. Then this lady came to rescue me when they were about to leave with me
Me (to Goddess lady): But how did you get her back from them?
Goddess: I’m Goddess security. It’s my job to bust the Phony Gods and Goddesses. We’ve put up signs everywhere.
Me: Well thank you so much.
Goddess: Don’t thank me. Just learn how to be more responsible next time
As we were leaving, I noticed this sign
That Goddess was right. If I was gonna be a good Mom, I had to change my ways.
So I started reading this book. And haven’t had Dora kidnapped since.
Best day of busting phony god/goddesses on Summer Tour 2009 ever!
(While the festival and the people in these pictures are real, the crimes are not, of course. The God and Goddess were actually super nice folks who showed me an amazing time. )