Monthly Archives: October 2009

And I did.

Best potty humor of Summer Tour 2009, ever!

One day I was driving through Colorado when I found myself in the town of ROMEO!!!

Not only did it give me hope of finding a romantic guy finally, it was also a town with everything I could possibly need.

Great restaurants and bars

a huge grocery store/movie rental place

Not just one car wash

but two.

And even had a zoo!

I really needed to mail some letters, so I asked these guys where the post office was

They told me it was near the Town Hall and pointed me in the right direction.

I followed the signs

and finally found the place

but it was only open three days a week. BUMMER!

On my way out of the town of Romeo, I started to think this was a place I could actually live one day.

I mean, they had some of the cutest shops

Like a salon/cookie store

A showroom (for what, I’m not sure)

and a Country Crock butter store.

And wouldn’t you know it, those guys were wrong. The post office wasn’t in the town hall

It was in a double wide. Silly gooses!

Although it was a cool town, I never found any romantic dudes like the name implied.
Best day in an inappropriately named town on Summer Tour 2009 ever!

One day I was driving through Bend, Oregon when I came across this cupid arrow and garden of love

I was quickly distracted, however, by the rainbow and pot of gold behind it

I had to know what kind of farm this was.

A Farm Fun The!!!!!

There were signs about there being cattle on this farm, but I never saw any.

The farm was a little creepy at first. Like a stagecoach with no pioneers

and a fire truck with no firemen.

There was also a boat

but it had a lady with no hands and some bushes living in it.

The boat was next to the lighthouse

which was guarded by penguins with paddles

The farmhouse next to the barn was also a store

guarded by General Junk

They had so many amazing junk items in their front yard

like a junk statue

and flower pot shoes and toilet bowl.

Unfortunately, I didn’t get to go inside because of their weird store hours.

So I poked around the side of the house

to look at its decorations

and noticed these signs.

I had to find the fainting goats and bowling ball garden.

I knew I was heading in the right direction when I saw a line of bowling balls

and a bowling ball tree!

Sure enough, there was the garden!

It was so nice. It even had a fountain made out of tractor tires for the flamingos to drink from

although most of them were laying on a tarp and seemed either sick or dead.

I lost interest in the flamingos, however, when I noticed the hot siamese marathon runners behind them

While I do have a weakness for hippies

I’m not really into guys who wear scarves

or who are missing fingers

I noticed they were about to go bowling though

So I found the bowling alley.

It was right in front of the cemetary

While I was looking at the graves, I noticed something in the woods behind the cemetary

I could tolerate the no hands or fingers thing, but the antlers on this scuba diver lady’s head was just plain freaky. I got the hell out of there. FAST!

Best day of bowling on Sumer Tour 2009 ever!

One day I was following this van in Nashville, Tennessee.

While I wondered if the driver and his rich, old white lady passenger had become best friends forever yet, I noticed the most disturbing statue I’ve ever come across in my travels.

The 13 confederate state flags, a crap ton of “rebel” flags,

and a scary racist man with a gun.

Meet Nathan Bedford Forest. The dude who started the KKK.

He was also the KKK’s first Grand Wizard. I’m still not sure what’s so magical about hate crimes.

This statue is the only thing that makes me ashamed to be from Nashville.

Most disturbing day of Summer Tour 2009 ever!

One day Dora and I were driving through Wyoming…

when we saw a bunch of people on horses.

Dora: Oh my God, I love horses! Can we please go horseback riding? I’ll do anything. Pretty please?

Me: If you can keep your trap shut for the next three days, I’ll do whatever you want. Hell, I’ll even buy you a horse.

Dora: Deal!

So we drove to Jackson Hole, where I used to live. They always had that kind of touristy crap in Jackson.

As soon as I saw this lady on a horse, we parked the truck and followed her.

Sure enough, they had tons of horses

Me: See, I told you they’d have horseback riding in Jackson Hole.
Dora: But that’s not a horse. That’s a pony. Ponies are for babies.

Me: Actually, ponies are for rich little girls. I don’t have five bucks to spare on an ungrateful poor little girl anyways.

Dora: I’m not ungrateful, I just –
Me: Wait. look at that sign!

Me: If you’re too cool for a pony, are you also too cool for the wold’s smallest horse?
Dora: Oh my God!

We went behind the tiny box to find the tiny horse

and found it sleeping.

Dora: Hey little horsie!

Me: You know it says something when the freak show thinks you’re the freak, Dora. Just look at its face.

Dora: He’s scared of people, not me.
Me: Maybe they’ll let you be in this freak show with your big ass head.
Dora: You’re mean.

Me: Hey, speaking of freaks, what are those people doing?

Hippy dude: Hey look man, a bull named after weed!

Dora got her picture taken with Nugget. She didn’t understand the drug reference of course.

Nugget, actually, wasn’t nearly as impressive as the other big-horned bull.

I was a little too scared to put my recyclables in their designated recycling bucket.

Dora wanted her picture taken with all the animals of course.

The hunch-back bull

The pigs (especially the pink runt one)

and a cow.

Unfortunately, the cow had to be milked and was in no mood for pictures.

When Dora saw this family playing with goats (her favorite), she insisted we stop.

I remembered having seen these signs on the way in

but I didn’t really take them seriously.

Little did we know, they were ravenous!

Dora: Hey look, they’re sucking on my hand!

Me: Yeah, that’s cuz they think you’re a nipple.

The goats starting ganging up on Dora

But I didn’t notice cuz I was too busy checking out the hot guy next to the cows.

Dora: OUCH! He’s eating me!
Me: You know, Dora, as much as I hate redneck guys, there’s just something about a man with a pitchfork

Dora: HELP!!!!

Me: What’s the probl—–

Me: Holy shit. Give me that you stupid goat!

As I tried to ask Dora what happened, he came back for more

I grabbed Dora and took her away…

but the goat seemed somewhat pleased with himself.

Dora said she felt dirty and violated

so I took her to the convenient hand-washing station.

Me: Hey don’t worry about what happened back there. I’ll glue your hair back on.
Dora: I HATE GOATS NOW. They can go tongue my shi—
Me: Whoa! Watch your language there, Dora. Where’d you learn to talk like that?
Dora: I heard you say it the other day.
Me: Oh, yeah.

I took Dora over to this cow to take her mind off the assault

Me: Go ahead. The sign said you can brush him
Dora: But I’m scared now.

Me: Okay, then I’ll just make you do it.
Dora: Okay fine!

After Dora faced her fear, I promised I’d take her we’d go ride some real horses.

And wouldn’t you know we found some

Best day of getting assaulted by a goat on Summer Tour 2009 EVER!

One day I was driving through Arkansas when I came across this amazing RV park.

I wasn’t surprised by the pool, but a pavilion? Holy crap!

I pulled up by the office to inquire about their fees

The office parking lot just so happened to be right next to the mini golf course.

Since no one was there to collect my money,

no one was there to stop me from playing my all-time favorite sport

At first I was a little bored by how easy it was.

But I was soon humbled by this loopty-loop hole.

Damn near impossilbe!

A lot of the holes had baby animals

like lazy little frogs,

tiny alligators

and a turtle.

The humps on the course made this hole a lot harder than it looks.

They also had teeny-tiny predators

right next to their teeny-tiny prey

(The people who owned this place seemed particularly fond of deer)

I think the baby mammal holes were the easiest.

except for the tiny donkeys hole.

It was actually quite challenging.

The hardest holes were the ones with other structures on them

like a flower pot

and a fire hydrant.

(I kind of cheated by moving the dog off the greens to get my ball around the hydrant)

This hole would have been easy if it was just the dog

but the house the dog lived in made it super hard.

Same went for the eagle.

It would have been a peice of cake had it just been the eagle and not this stupid monument thingy.

The next to last hole was the worst though. It not only had a well structure

but a baby tiger as well.

I was pleasantly surprised by how easy the 18th hole was.

But super sad that was it.

(and super creeped out by Porky Pig’s missing thumb).

Best day at a miniature miniature golf course on Summer Tour 2009 ever!

I was driving through West Virginia the other one day and came across this arcade.

The arcade wasn’t just a place for the kids though

Mom could work on her tan,

while Dad chews on some SKOAL.

The whole family could grab a six pack on their way out.

And with every visit to the arcade

Mom gets three free tanning sessions.

What a deal!

Best family fun place I’ve come across on Summer Tour 2009, ever!

After reading this sign in Maryland, I almost went inside.

Then I realized it was a trick. Almost duped by sneaky church people again!

Best day of manipulative church signs on Summer Tour 2009 EVER!

I was driving on the Olympic Penninsula in Washington state one day when I came across this restaurant.

Not only did it sell food

it also sold giant wooden things

like hands!

Fat…

and skinny ones

as well as things the giant hands could hold

like a giant pepsi-cola,

silverware,

ice cream cone,

and a ridiculously large double hamburger (not just in actual size, but portion)

They were particularly protective of the hamburger for some reason.

They also sold baseball

football

and a guy with a beer gut (who they were also particularly protective of)

This restaurant had a dark side to it as well. They sold

terrifying, one-eyed creatures like this guy,

mosquitos

a creepy California Raisin

a woman standing on a piece of pie

(covered in green goo like someone on a Nicalodean show)

and a distressed blue man with bad teeth and a phallic nose.

Unfortunately, I didn’t have the the money to buy one of these delightful wooden carvings of a place to put it, so I passed.

Best day of disturbing wooden creatures on Summer Tour 2009 ever!

One day I was driving through Missouri when I saw this cannon thingy.

As I was reading the sign, I noticed a giant pair of hands behind it

At first I thought they were praying

but then I noticed the unusually large veins.

When I saw the other side of the hands I figured it out.

The hands were actually holding a ginormous pile of heroin to shoot up.

Missouri was soooo not what I had exptected.

Best day of proving Southern religious stereotypes wrong on Summer Tour 2009 ever!