Monthly Archives: September 2009

Living on the road means using everyone’s bathroom but my own… which means encountering unusual things I would never think to put in my own.

Like a giant tree.

I managed fine going down

but standing up, I got a face full of leaves

But the tree wasn’t the most awkward part of this bathroom.

It was being watched

by a sexy man holding giant tires

My experience with the tree reminded me of the last outdoorsy bathroom I used in Kansas

Luckily, the women’s bathroom was still intact (unlike the men’s bathroom next to it)

It clearly wasn’t as clean as the giant tree bathroom

but it had a newspaper, which the other one didn’t provide.

I enjoy reading material, so I think this one wins.

Best day of awkward bathroom experiences on Summer Tour 2009 ever!

Some people display their favorite hobby for the mailman

Others tease him with their favorite food item

(I think I would be nervous shoving mail into a fish’s mouth)

Some people think the mailman is stupid and can’t figure out which mailbox goes with the appropriate house.

I wonder which came first…..

House?

Or Mailbox?

Based on the presence of this newspaper holder that does not have a building structure to match it, I’m gonna guess mailbox came first.

And by the way, this dead rebel was is buried in the field 100 yards over from their house.

After Dora got her new body, the first thing she wanted to do was go swimming. We walked around the Wyoming town of Dubois (pronounced dew-boys) to find a pool, but this is the only one we could find

Me: Hey, I’m all about sneeking into hotel pools Dora, but I refuse to walk through that death trap of an entrance. What’s next on your “things I couldn’t do before because I was made of paper mache” wish list?
Dora: How about playing the piano?
Me: Yeah, I guess not having fingers is why you sucked so much at piano before. Now you can play piano and flick people the bird.

Not two minutes later, we came across this man playing the piano in the middle of town.

He said he couldn’t let Dora play because it went against store policy, but I think he’s just prejudice against people with heads too large for their bodies.

Surely there was something on Dora’s list to do in this town. When we saw this cowboy statue, Dora remembered that riding animals was something she’d struggled with before.

Sure enough, we came across an animal to ride only minutes later. A jackalope of course.

It apparently wasn’t her old body that made her suck at riding jakcalopes. She just naturally sucked.

Me: You know, this thing looks more like a dog than a jackalope anyways

Then I realized the real jackalope was inside.
Me: Come on. Let’s go inside

Dora: Ouch!

Me: Dude, this is just like that time in Wall Drug. Remember?

When we went inside to find the jackalope, we discovered the most amazing gas station ever. What it lacked in selection of products to buy, it made up for in arcade games, fast food….

and even a pool table!

We asked the guy working the counter what the deal was with the jackalope. He didn’t feel like roller-blading over to show us, so he just pointed to the box.

Apparently people aren’t allowed to ride the jackalope anymore. Only sit on it.

This baffled me until I saw the sign on the other side of the box

I am guessing they had an incident in the past with someone 433 lbs? What would happen if I weighed 432 lbs and a half? Would I ever see a sign like this in any other country in the world?

Me: Dora, come on. Get it together. Just sit up already!
Dora: I’m trying!
Me: Hey, that rollerblade dude is checking you out.

Me: Atta girl!!!
Dora: Please don’t talk to me like I’m a dog.
Me: Hey watch this.
Me (to rollerblade dude): Hey, can I get a picture of you two together. She thinks you’re hot.

Rollerblade Dude: Sure! KISS Forever.
Dora: I don’t want to kiss you. But you are kind of cute. What are the earrings on your lips for?

Rollerblade Dude: You’re too young to understand. But the chicks love it. Gene Simmons forever!!!!
Dora: What?

Best gas station on Summer Tour 2009 ever!!!!

It all started when I saw this sign.

No reason to think it’s anything sexual, right?

Then I noticed it was across the street from this gravestone place.

Just pass 3-Way Monuments was this street

After I turned onto 3-Way Lane, I came to a stop sign and almost missed the small white sign.

I’m not sure if I was more shocked by the fact a 3-Way Festival happens

or that it happens on a church campus

Maybe this was some sort of prank????

Nope. Welcome to the town of 3-way, Tennessee. Best town name on all of Summer Tour 2009 ever!!!

(Part 3 of 3)

Dora and I were both drunk and playing with guns one day. After Dora finished pretend murdering me, I got my shot at revenge.

Dora: Go easy on me. Remember, my head is falling off.
Me: What? Sorry, but all’s fair in love and war and pretend murder….

….now just be still for one minute….

….stop moving please. — what do you think you’re laughing at?

Dora: It’s nothing really. I just don’t see how you’re gonna shoot me with the wrong eye closed.

Me: F%#K you, Dora! At least my eyes close!

Dora: Hey! I can’t help it.

Me: Yeah, and I can’t help the fact that you’re about to die, pinata!

Dora (to herself): God, please let that gun be unloaded. I don’t trust her.

BANG!

Me: Uh-oh

Me: Dora?

Five minutes later, Dora finally came to.

Me: What the crap, Dora?!!! I thought you were dead. You scared me.

Dora: Me too! I think I went to heaven or hell or some weird place in between. I didn’t have a white light experience, but I did meet some crazy people

like the creepy old man from Poltergeist

and these ghosts working

One of them was a cute ghost boy

but his friend was a mean, nasty looking man with duct tape hair. You know he gave me the finger!
Me: Um, hello Duct-tape-neck. You’re one to talk.

Dora: Well, anyways, now I’m back here but my mouth hurts and I can’t move. I think you broke my teeth when you shot me in the face.

Me: Alright, that’s it. We’re fixing your head.
Dora: What about my teeth?
Me: And your teeth

I searched everywhere for a doctor in this town. I stopped to ask this lady

then saw her nasty hands and concluded she either doesn’t have a doctor, or her doctor sucks.

I asked this banker man

then realized he must go to the same Doctor as the chic in pink

When I asked this man where I could find a doctor, he sent me across the street

Dora said we should listen to him because people with orange teeth are trustworthy.

The Doctor and dentist were located in the same building. What luck!

I was hoping to learn about the history of the plow while waiting for Dora to get fixed….til I met the dentist that is.

Not only did the cobwebs on his hands make his hygeine questionable

but his idea of dentistry was just removing his patients’ teeth entirely

(what is up with this town and their nasty hands!)

We went next door to see if the doctor could take a look at Dora’s head. We walked in on the most frightening thing I’ve ever seen

Not only did I not trust a doctor that has a messed-up patchy beard (Team America style)

or a nurse in a mumu

but I didn’t want a nerdy little boy in his Dad’s XXL shirt operating on Dora.

We ran out of there. This guy suggested another doctor/dentist in the next town over.

I didn’t have enough gas to get to there, so I asked if he’d let us borrow a horse. The jerk said no.

Luckily, this grandma and kids rolled up in a golfcart right about that time

I know it’s stealing, but we had a justifiable emergency. Once they turned their back, I threw Dora in the cart and got the rock out of there

The Dentist office that dude suggested was waaaaay more modern than the last place

and I liked that it had the word whisky in its name

I was so relieved to hear they could work us right in

Dentist: So, I hear you got shot in the face. Is that right?

Dora: Yes. But she didn’t mean to…..I hope.
Dentist: Well, that’s nice. So you might want to close your eyes. I’m gonna shine this bright light at your face
Dora: I can’t close my eyes, okay! Gaaah.

Dentist: Whoa, whoa. Hey there. Okay. I won’t use the light. Let me just clean your teeth before we proceed. They’re a mess.

Dora: NO! I’m made of paper and can’t get wet!!

Dentist: Alright. Just spit it out then. You sure are a sensitive little girl, aren’t ya?
Dora: Actually, no, I’m not. But I got shot in the f#@cking face today!

Two hours later, Dora came out with braces.

Dora: Do I look okay, Melanie? I’m afraid my smile is ugly now
Me: You look fine. Besides, your smile was ugly before braces.
Dentist: Well, Dora. No need to be afraid. I have braces too. I’m not ashamed.

Dora: You’re right. Thank you for helping me. Would you like a piece of candy from my abdomen?

Dentist: Well, sure. But do as I say, not as I do. Braces and candy don’t go together.
Me: Yeah, neither do braces and blowj—-
Dentist: HEY NOW!

Dentist: You know, Dora, I may be a Dentist, but I think I can help you. How would you like to get rid of that paper body full of candy forever and walk like a normal girl?
Dora: Okay

The dentist took us to his other office to perform his miracle.

Dora: Can I have purple shoes too?
Me: I guess. Ring those in the shoes too, will ya miss.

Lady: Yep.

Dentist: Okay, Dora. Are you ready to walk into the world a new woman?

Dora: Now that I’m a woman, will you be my boyfriend?
Dentist: I would, but I don’t date women who wear aqua socks. Sorry kid.

…….continued from yesterday

Dora found this saloon in the wierd South Dakota town we were hanging out in. I can’t handle booze, so I tend to avoid bars. But this was a SALOON! I couldn’t miss my only opportunity to drink at a SALOON

Me: Hey, does my hair look okay? There might be some hot guys in there

Dora: Yeah. It’s fine. At least your hair isn’t ripping off.

Me: Dude, your hair is the least of your problems. Need I remind you about your head that’s about to fall off?

Dora: I know, I know. I can’t think about it now. I think I need a drink after all.
Me: Hells, yeah.

I should have known this freakish town would only have freakish men.
Every single one of them was either wearing a stupid neon bandana,

a silly hat,

too much eye-liner,

or had nasty green teeth

And the only two other women in there were plastered

or passed out in a corner

Maybe if she didn’t wear a bonnet and turtle-necks, she wouldn’t be alone in a corner. But who was I to tell her that.

To say that Dora and I had a little too much to drink would be putting it mildly.

Me: Dude, I thought you had bad teeth, but I’d take orange over nasty green ones any day.
Dora: I think I’m gonna puke

Me: Hey, it’s okay. All women barf or stave themselves at some point in their lives, right? Welcome to the club girlfriend.

Dora: Club. Mmmmm. A sandwhich sounds good.
Me: Ha! You’re so funny Dora. Next time you eat a club, drink some milk. It’s the best way to get food up. That or ice cream are like WD-40 on the esophagus. It’s amazing!

Dora: Um, I’m gonna barf in this well thingy
Me: I hope your head doesn’t fall off while you’re heaving! Just kidding.

Me: Dora? Where’d you go?

Dora: I’m down here
Me: Are you okay?

Dora (laughing): I fell in my own puke!

Me: Hey, I gotta lay down for a minute. Booze is bad for my narcolepsy.
Dora: Okay. I’ll lay down too.

We spent most the afternoon taking naps in various places.

By we I mean me. Dora won’t ever close her eyes for some stupid reason

Dora: Hey, I think that man behind us is calling you over there.
Me: What’s the problem, Mr.?

Old Man: Sorry, Miss. You can’t sleep here.
Me: Fine. We have better things to do anyways. Come on Dora, let’s go pretend to get arrested before this guy arrests us for taking naps

Dora: Look, I’m gonna pretend hang myself.

Me: No, Dora, DON’T!!! Your head. Remember?
Dora: Oh, yeah. Duuuuuuuuuuh, Dora.

Dora: Hey, what’s this?
Me: I dare you to open it

Dora: Okay

Dora: Ha! It’s a dead person. That’s so funny!

Dora: Hey, Melanie. Guess who I am?

Me: Baby Jessica in the well, right?
Dora: Dang, you’re good. Hey, can we play cowboys?

Me: Sure.
Dora: Can I pretend shoot you?
Me: Why are you even asking?
Dora: Well, are you gonna pretend to be afraid at least?
Me: Oh, yeah.

to be continued one more day……..

Here’s a preview of one of the big changes happening in Dora’s life tomorrow

Out-takes from today:

One day Dora and I got a little lost and stumbled upon something that looked like a ghost town.

I couldn’t believe we’d FINALLY made it to the Real West. All those other places we’d been were pretty fake and touristy.

The first thing we came across was this old western cemetary

Me: Dude, why are you crying?
Dora: I’m sad. My uncle also died from getting kicked in the head

Me: Yeah, that sucks. Hey look in front of you. Cows!!!!
Dora: I thought those are Buffalo
Me: No, buffalo only exist in Yellowstone National Park. This is South Dakota, dummy.

Dora: How come their hair is falling off?
Me: How come your hair is falling off?

Dora: Well, to tell you the truth, I think it’s the way you carry me in the carrying bag

Me: Fine. I’ll just carry you around like this if that’s how you like… but that duct tape isn’t gonna hold your head on much longer ya know.

Dora: Can’t you just—
Me: Shhhhh! I think that’s Abe Lincoln giving a speech.
Dora: That sure doesn’t look like Abe Lincoln

Me: How so, smarty pants?
Dora: Well, first of all, Abe Lincoln is dead
Me: Yeah, just like Michael Jackson, right? Don’t believe their lies.
Dora: Secondly, no one would vote for a president that scary looking

Dora: Third of all, those crows feet don’t look real…..

…and neither do those men behind him.
Me: What’s wrong with the dude in the corner?

Dora: Well, he’s got yard sticks instead of legs and he’s missing an arm.
Me: You’re missing an arm.

Dora: But that’s only because you burned it off on the 4th of July in that fireworks incident.
Me: Must you bring that up EVERY, SINGLE TIME?
Dora: Fine. I’ll stop. Look at the other guy. He’s kinda weird, right

Me: Yeah, totally.
Hey look, two more presidents!

Dora: I thought Lewis and Clark were big explorers.
Me: Yeah, that too. That one dude is also a famous actor. True Grit and old west movies mostly.

Me: I don’t know who the guy behind them is, but that dear is about to lick him

Me: Hey, look. This dude by the circuit breaker is getting licked too!
Dora: I don’t think that’s a guy. That’s Sacajawea.

Me: Oh, yeah. That chick on the coin

Dora: Hey, who is Chaboneau?
Me: He’s the French guy who brought over the Statue of Liberty. And he was a terrible dresser.

Dora: How did one man bring over an entire sta—
Me: Shhhhhhhhh. Did you hear that?
Dora: What?
Me: The sound of a saw. Oh my God! A magic show! I love, love, love magic!

Dora: Well I couldn’t hear anything over those sailer men singing next door at the saloon.

Me: Whoa, wait a minute. There’s a saloon in this town and you didn’t tell me about it?
Dora: Well, last time I drank, I acted like a jerk to impress those rock climbers. And you can’t hold your alcohol very well either.
Me: Screw it, we’re going to the bar!

to be continued…..

preview from tomorrow’s story: only the beginning of a long day we are both gonna regret

One day while driving through Arkansas, I need gas real bad. This was the first place I stumbled upon.

Once I parked and looked around, I realized this was not a gas station, but rather a Fried Chicken place, that also had gas

According to the sign, this place has been around since 1872. That’s 137 years!

They were selling chicken before cars were invented, women could vote, the Titanic sank, and most Western states became states.

Not only could I eat lunch and get gas, but I could cash my check here too!

Perfect!

I also have a weakness for any businesses that displays a chicken giving the thumbs-up.

When I got in there, the line to cash checks was ridiculously long

so I stood in the chicken line

But it was the slowest line EVER

When I noticed this sign, I gave up on counter service

and hit up the drive-thry instead

When I came out of the drive-thru, I was a little mad about this sign.

Why oh why didn’t I go to church that morning so I could get that discount?

Most frustrating day of not getting discounted chicken for not going to church on Summer Tour 2009 ever!!

I was born and raised in the South, but I never noticed how many freak’n churches there are everywhere til now. This is only one sign of one church of the 100 I have photographed in the last three days. Welcome to the Bible Belt.

I wonder how long it does take then

Best day to think about being born again on Summer Tour 2009, ever!!!!

I love driving around observing mother nature at her best. When I drove by this trailer in New Mexico, I was stoked to see this big game animal

Poor thing was stuck behind this wire fence

Because of this wildlife spotting, I started paying more attention

I almost didn’t notice the wildlife in these people’s front yard

which was a good thing. That meant little baby dear was probably less likely to get eaten by a predator.

I wondered where on earth the poor thing’s mother was.

Two days later, I found her

turning tricks in front of the gas station to support her baby dear at home

Speaking of baby animals, I almost didn’t notice this little donkey in these people’s front yard

partly cuz I got distracted by the gold!!!!!

which I think lights up at night. Why anyone would draw even more attention to something so valuable, thus making it more likely to get stolen, is beyond me.

I think baby donkey uses that light around his neck to look for his Dad

who I actually ran into a few days later

hanging out with this sketchy dude

I’m pretty sure it’s best that Daddy donkey stays out of baby donkey’s life, especially since I realized it’s not just a riverboat he’s hanging out in front of

but a riverboat SALOON

I got lucky the other day. It flooded a little bit in Missouri,

so the swans were chillin in front of these people’s garage

Too bad the neighbors weren’t as good at taking care of animals. Actually, they should be reported to the authorities

for not only starving their tiny horses,

but keeping them tied up to a sign, which insisted good samaritans like myself not feed them. (the upside down exclamation point mens they aren’t messing around either)

Just when I thought my luck with wildlife was running out, I drove down this road

I was about to swerve to miss this baby squirrel

when I noticed the knight!!!!!!

I think it was about to attack that squirrel.

Why else would it be hiding behind that plant?

Just like the gold, and the tiny donkey, the knight was lit up like a Christmas tree.

Unfortunately, I was so distracted by the knight, I ended up running over baby squirrel!

But I’ll refrain from torturing you with that picture.

Best day of seeing baby donkeys and deers on summer tour 2009 ever!!!!