Daily Archives: September 9, 2009

Broken Down, Part 2: Climbing, flirting, and murdering

………..Continued from Yesterday

After a night of flirting and boozing with my pretend boyfriend AND pretend lover-on-the-side, Dora woke up, puked, and got dressed to go climbing. I was not stoked to have Hungover-Dora along for our day of climbing.

On our way to the wall, Dora wormed her way in between me and my pretend boyfriend (otherwise known as PB).
Me: Um, excuse me. What do you think you’re doing?
Dora: I get car sick when I sit next to the window.
Me to PB: She’s lying. She sits by the window all the time in my truck and has never gotten sick.
PB: Uh-huh. Hey George, what climb you wanna do today? How about a multi-pitch climb?
Dora: Yeah, George. I think we should do a multi-pitch
Me: You don’t even know what that means, Dora.
Dora: I’m guessing it means multiple pitches.
Me: Lucky guess
George: Lighten up, Melanie. I think you’re a little hard on her.

Dora: Thanks, George. She doesn’t cut me any slack.
Dora (to herself): Oh my God. Beefy, manly arm against my head. I’m melting.
Me (whispering to Dora): If you lean any closer to him, I’m gonna pour water on you head and laugh as I watch your paper mache head dissenigrate.

When we got to the wall, it was quite an approach to the base of the climb.

Me: I’m facing you backwards so you don’t barf on my back.
When we got to the top, I sat Dora on a rock

Me: I’m getting on the wall first. You stay here.
Dora: But can’t I come hang out with you guys?
Me: No, I’m sick of dealing with you flirting with my pretend boyfriend
Dora: But what if he talks to me?

Me: Remember what I said about the water and your head?
And let this water bottle be a reminder, lest you be tempted by your carnal nature to screw over my love life.

I went up top first to set up some anchors. While I was up there, Dora completely disobeyed by orders.
Dora: Hey, George. How long do you think she’ll be up there?
George: Oh, it could be awhile. Why do you ask?
Dora: No reason.


Dora: Hey everyone. I have some candy if you’re hungry.


Climbing Dude #1: Sure, toots. Whatcha got there?

Dora: It’s candy from Pakistan.
Dude #1: Whoa! You’ve been to Pakistan????
Dora: I’m an explorer.
Dude #2: Hey, is that Pakistani candy? I love this stuff!

Dora: Yes! Do you like it?
Dude#2: Yeah, I said I love this stuff

Dora: I’m sorry. I can’t hear you. Why don’t you pick me.
Dud#2: You know, I bet this stuff will make us climb faster than that dude next to us.
Dora: It sure will. By the way, do you have a girlfriend?
Dude#2: Yep. Hey dude. Give me a belay.


Dora: How about you, Mr. Bearded Climber Man?
Dude#1: What did you call me?

Dora was right (for the first time in her life). That Pakistani candy did make him climb faster than the guy next to him.

Apparently, while I was gone, Dora skanked around and gave these Scottish dudes candy too.


And then she had a family portrait session with George and my pretend boyfriend!!!!!!!

Dora: Hey PB, would you like some candy?
PB: The name’s Jordan. Why did you just call me P.B.?
Dora: Melanie calls you P.B. It’s short for “Pathetic Baby”
PB: Wow. And I thought she was a cool chick.

Dora: Would a Pakistani marshmellow make you feel better?
PB: Sure.

Just then I came down from the wall.

and saw her sleaz’n on my man

Me: I knew you couldn’t be trusted! You’re such a little slut! When I get down, it’s soggy pinata head town, missy.
Dora: Crap. I gotta get outta here.

When I got down, I thought it’d be a good idea to get some pics with my new best friend and pretend boyfriend.

But a woman’s intuition never lies. There was something fishy about PB

Me: What’s in your mouth?
PB: I don’t know. Peanut Butter…. or shall I say PB?

Me: Who told you I call you th— THAT LITTLE (bleep)
PB: Actually, it’s not peanut butter. It’s a Pakistani marshmellow

Me: BASTARD!!!!!!
Me: I trusted you! …..And with her of all people?

I’m pretty sure my pretend boyfriend didn’t die.

I went to go find Dora
But she was hiding.

Dora: Promise you won’t hurt me and I’ll come out.
Me: I won’t hurt you. I already threw PB off the cliff, so I”m done getting revenge for now.

Dora: Okay.

The next day, we awaited our fait at the Toyota Service Center.
Dora: Whatcha doing?
Me: I’m writing a story about you on my website that makes you look like an idiot.
Dora: Can I check my facebook account when you’re done.
Me: No. You’ve already stolen my PB. I don’t want you stealing any more of my friends than you already have.

We finally got the verdict. It was just the censor!!!
We took a family portrait with the Toyota dude.
Dora (to herself): Dear God, don’t ever let me forget the feeling of a strong man’s grip on my thighs.

It was the best day of throwing a cheating bastard off a cliff on Summer Tour 2009 ever!!!!