Daily Archives: August 18, 2009

SPAM Warfare

……SPAM Museum Cont’d

While I was under a narcoleptic spell, Dora learned everything under the sun about SPAM.

And enjoyed yet another song from the SPAMettes.

I finally woke up when I heard angelic voices


It was the SPAM Boys Choir.

Apparently, I had slept through almost the entire movie.
Luckily, I woke up just in the nick of time. I got to see how they package SPAM.

Thank God I did. When we left the theater, we were told we had to compete in the SPAM-OFF. Our first challenge was packaging.


While Dora and I packaged SPAM, the girls behind us boxed SPAM on the assembly line.
And boy were they good!

Me: Dora, you know, I’m doing all the work here. You’re just sitting there watching me.
Dora: I know, but I only have one arm.
Me: Yeah, you know, I’m tired of your excuses. When are you gonna start pulling your own weight in this relationship?

Dora: Well, I can tell you what you’re doing wrong that will cause us to lose.
Me: Wrong? What could I be doing wrong?
Dora: Well, you’re not dressed properly. If you had watched the movie or listened to the people tell you about garb, you’d know.

Older Man Getting Dressed: Yeah, she’s right, ya know….
… They have very special requirements for how you wear these clothes. Just listen to the workers over there.

Dora: See, I told you. Neither of us are wearing hair nets for example. We’re gonna lose points for that

Me: Hair Net-Shmair Net. I just wanna win.

Me: DONE!!!!!! See, I told you.

The next challenge we had was working at a SPAM grocery store.

While I actually did my job,

Dora wandered around the store….and met a little girl to play with.


Me: How do you know that girl?
Dora: I don’t. She knew me somehow. Lots of kids seem to know me.

Me: Well, if you’re so popular, why don’t you go find yourself another team to play on? Besides, I wanna win and you’re just slowing me down with your one arm.

It was a matter of seconds before Dora found a new family that wanted to adopt her. TRAITOR!!!

We were then sent into the lobby to wait for our final exam

I started to get a little worried when I noticed people cramming

Eventually they took us into this room. Dora and I had advanced to the Finals as a team…. but now were arch enemies.


This guy explained the rules and then started asking all these freak’n questions


Somehow, Dora always keeps her cool, even in the most stressful situations.

The exam was super hard. Even Dora only knew one answer. We were neck and neck

Announcer: Okay ladies. Are you ready for the final question?
Me: Dora, remember who has the keys to the car and can drive away without you


Announcer: Sing the theme song of the SPAMettes

Me: What!!!! No fair. I had a narcoleptic attack during the SPAMettes.
Dora, you better not get this right or I’ll kill you


Dora: Um, ok. You take the good, You take the bad, You take it all and there you have, the Facts of Spam. The Facts of Spam.


Announcer: No, sorry, kiddo. It’s SPAAAAAM!!!!! I’m gonna live forever. I’m gonna learn how to fly. SPAAAAAAAM!!

Announcer: Sorry ladies, but it’s a tie score.

I forgave Dora. I knew she blew it on purpose for my sake. When we were about to leave, we got stopped by this giant can of SPAM, who wanted to take his picture with us
Just as I was about to turn around and smack him for grabbing my butt, this man came over.
Owner: Well, hello. I just wanted to come over and congradulate Dora for winning the SPAM-OFF
Me: What? I thought we tied.
Owner: You tied in the finals, but you lost points during the packaging part of the competition for you poor hygiene.
Dora: See! I told you.
Me: This is such crap!!!!!

For winning, Dora received a SPAM sweatshirt


An appearance on live radio as the champion.

And the official SPAM flag.

I wasn’t too pissed cuz I I have the keys to the car she’d be keeping those prizes in. What’s hers in mine
Before leaving the SPAM Museum, we stopped to get some food, but that lady gave terrible service. She just stared at us holding that coffee pot for like an hour
So we went to the place across the street
and got to choose from hundreds of SPAM items from Johnny’s SPAMarama Menu.

It was the best SPAM day of Summer Tour 2009 ever!

To see the first part of the SPAM Museum story, click below