Monthly Archives: August 2009

…….continued from Friday’s post

When I fially woke up from an unconscience state, I had no idea where I was or why. (Lucky for Dora, I couldn’t recall at the time that her punk ass ran over me just moments before).

Since I had never looked around the Diner/Museum from the ground, I noticed this place was even more random than I once suspected. There were things like:

Giant pants, toys, and brooms

A giant hammer with the wrong verb written across it

and a hipster version of Minnie Mouse

I started looking around for Dora, but she was gone. I finally found her at this Blacksmith shop

Me: Dora, what are you doing here?
Dora: I was just covering for the blacksmith while he’s out.

Me: Well, he’ll just have to deal. We got places to go.
Dora: Like where?
Me: Like school, missy. I don’t wanna get in trouble with a nosey social worker for not having you in school.

Dora didn’t last very long at this school.

Dora: This school is weird. The Paperboy was mean. And the sailer offered me whisky. And the teacher was flirting with the boys.

Me: Finally, people who don’t like you!
Dora: They were mean. Besides, they were reading books that didn’t exist back then.

Me: Okay, fine. We’ll go. But I’m gonna show you where you’ll end up if you don’t go to school.

Dora: This is a weird jail. Why is there a cash register and Teddy Roosevelt on horseback?

Sheriff: Cuz you gotta pay me to get out of jail, little girl. And I like Teddy. What’s wrong with that?

Dora: Nothing. I was just curious.
Sheriff: Here, little girl. Take a prisoner sticker as a constant reminder of where you could end up.

Dora: Thanks, Mister.
Me: Hey look! A clown!

Dora: He’s scarey. Can we go please?
Me: Sure. But first, I wanna show you what will happen to you if you’re bad.

Dora: But they don’t allow that kind of punishment in American anymore.
Me: In America, no. But in countries like yours, you better watch out.
Dora: But America is my country.
Me: Sure, and Japan is mine.

Me: Hey Dora, look at this old homestead shack

Dora: I don’t understand this place at all. It doesn’t seem very historically accurate.

Me: What, you don’t think they had old people and lap dogs back then?

Dora: Well, I just thought the smiley face thingy was something from the 80′s.

Me: Oh, you don’t think people ever said “have a happy day” until the 1980′s?

Dora: Okay. But what about that giant dog. It looks like Spud Mackenzie.
Me: Oh, look at you, Miss 80′s reference queen.

Dora: Why is that man touching himself and making that face?

Me: Cuz he either has to pee real bad, or he’s a perve. What’s new? We attract them everywhere we go. You’ll eventually get used to it.

Dora: Can we go please?
Me: Yep.

Finally, we left that freak’n place! Most historically inacurate day on Summer Tour 2009, ever!

To see the General Lee (from the Dukes of Hazzard) or Elvis, click on the link below to the other two days we spent at the Diner/Museum
http://melaniehamlett.com/2009/08/28/dora-goes-agro…ird-car-museum/

I promised Dora I’d take her putt-putt golfing in Oregon a couple weeks ago.

This place was okay, but definately didn’t live up to its name.

The Statue of Liberty and a chicken aren’t that original.

and the castle with Frankenstien’s head on top didn’t impress me too much either. So we left.

Pirate’s Cove appeared to be having birthday specials. I thought I’d get us a free game by pretending it was Dora’s birthday.

The golf course was kinda weird. It only had one big, funny structure.
What a rip-off!

Then I noticed this sign.

Dancers Daily? While I was confused as to why a putt-putt golf course would have people dancing from 11am-2:30am in the morning, it came as a pleasant surprise. I LOVE LOVE LOVE to dance!

What a thoughtful warning of “curves” in the road! When I went inside, I discovered it was a strip joint. we left. The crowd on a Monday afternoon was super shady, so we left.

We drove further down the road and came across this place. I have a friend named Tommy who lives in Portland, so I thought I’d stop in and see if he owns this establishment.

I’m glad it was the wrong Tommy cuz this was another freak’n strip joint.

I needed some make-up for my friend’s wedding coming up in a few days, so I stopped her to get some blush.

I didn’t notice it was a “gentlemen’s club.” Maybe this is a strip joint specifically geared towards bashful men.

I was feeling kind of lonely later that day when I stumbled upon this place. Perfect! I’d fine a real man to hang out with.

But Noooooo. It was another stupid strip joint.

This was the best accidental strip club tour day of Summer Tour 2009, ever!

Of course, nothing tops the Drive Thru Strip Joint I went thru on my third night of Summer Tour 2009. To see that story, click below

http://melaniehamlett.com/2009/07/04/drive-through-strip-joint/

There seems to be a drug problem around the Portland area. The Pharmacy is so overwhelmed with kids taking prescription drugs, it had to open a seperate branch for them.

But not everyone is into pills. Most people gravitate towards pot. This support group was started awhile back to give pot-heads a place to call their own.

This restaurant offers stoners a nice place to get a hot meal

For those pot-heads who just want some alone time, this store provides quick, easy over the counter service

And for those who can’t afford a hash habbit, there’s cheaper (but more addictive) alternatives.

Best Day of Illegal Substance Towns ever on Summer Tour 2009!!!!

……..Continued from yesterday

After getting in trouble for touching the General Lee at this roadside Diner in South Dakota, Dora and I figured it wasn’t cool to touch any of the random cars we found all over this weird place

Good thing because we started noticing these signs everywhere

We kept coming across people standing awfully close to the cars though

and other people (like this Native American couple and the sexy miniature red-head) full on riding in the cars

so we decided it was only fair that we get to ride in the cars too

and ride we did!

We were super stoked to have found the Wayne’s World car

Dora just couldn’t get enough of all the random cars to ride in

like the trucks

cars with clowns on them

tractors of all sizes and colors

cars that seemed to be meant for someone her size (which I found quite unfair)

even found ducks like the ones they have all over NYC

My favorite was putting her in the trunk of this car

(If my truck had a trunk, that’s where she would stay all the time)

I don’t know if it was the trunk incident or what, but Dora all of a sudden started wanting to play with super aggressive vehicles made for little people like hummers

and tanks

I should have know she was in one of her “moods” before I let her get behind the wheel of this car made for normal sized people.

I can’t believe I forgot about that time she pulled a gun on me at Wall Drug before letting her drive this car. Dora’s got some major un-resolved anger issues that I underestimate.

As well as a tendency to hang out with creepy older dudes

like this guy she drove away with after leaving me for dead

To see the story from before where Dora pulled a gun on me, click
http://melaniehamlett.com/2009/08/13/dora-gets-aggro/

Best day of getting run over on Summer Tour 2009 ever!!!!!!!

You can tell a lot about a person by their mailbox

Some people make their mailboxes into an expresion of their dreams

Others mirror the place they keep their crap

or the places they live

Then there are people like me, whose mailboxes (if I had one) reflect their approach to every problem in life

Best day of comparing mailboxes on Summer Tour 2009!

…..cont’d from yesterday
WARNING: I strongly suggest not reading this post if you are my parents or offended easily

We were at the Presidential Wax Museum and I was giving Dora the scoop on all the former presidents (that self guided tour device was crap anyways).

I had just come to my favorite (and the hottest) president of all time.

Me: Unfortunately, Dora, the world is cruel sometimes. This poor guy was killed in a car crash in Texas I think.
Dora: I thought he was assassinated?
Me: Like I said, killed in a car crash.

Me: They had the funeral in this plane. That’s Jackie in the middle, his Mom on the right, and his extended family thanking her for the Bible she just gave them.

Me: For some reason, homegirl doesn’t know how to use feminine hygiene products. I can’t believe they would include that detail in this museum.

Me: I wonder if JFK ever regrets

marrying a transvestite. I can’t believe our country was so liberal back then.

Me: Oh, Dora, don’t bother with that dude. He was in the Peace Corp or something. That’s all I remember

Dora: Who is this guy?

Me: Oh, he’s that angry guy. He gets really mad at people, according to this museum, so stay away.

Dora: And what was Bush known for?
Me: Being the guy in charge when 911 happened

cheating

and being stupid.

Dora: How about President Clinton?

Me: Saxaphones….

and this.

Me: Hey Dora, there’s people coming soon. Now’s your only chance.

Me: Do it, Dora. It’s hilarious
Dora: But—

Dora ran to the bathroom all upset. She sure can be moody.

Me: Dora, what are you doing in there? We have one more exhibit to see.

Dora: Nothing. I just thought I was going to vomit for a second.

When Dora finally came out of the women’s bathroom (which actually had a urinal in it) we went to the grand finale of the presidential wax museum tour.

Bush Sr. is considered the MVP of all the Presidents.

We had to find our way through all these dolls to get out of the museum

Me: Hey Dora. Wanna go play Holy Terror Mini Golf like Obama suggests?

Dora: No, I’m hungry. My lunch is in that urinal.

We didn’t think we’d find a place to eat outside the Doll Gift Shop/Presidential Wax Museum

but we were wrong. They had pig roast

at the Executive Order Cafe.

Best Day of making my doll do inappropriate things to Clinton on Summer Tour 2009, ever!

OUTTAKES FROM THE WAX MUSEUM

This isn’t as easy as it looks

I was waaaaaay off center on this one

Dora and I went to the Presidential Wax Museum next to Mt. Rushmore. It was the first time I spent more than $3 to see a museum, but it was worth it to teach Dora about American History

We signed the guessbook, grabbed a self-guided tour device, and examined the hand with amputated fingers on the table

I put my device back since I know all there is to know about our presidents.

Dora was stoked to meet Obama

Me: This is our current prez, Dora. You know all the rest. HOLY CRAP! T.V.!!!! It’s been months!

Dora tried hanging out with some new friends while I watched a creepy movie

Dora: I’m tired of talking to these snobby girls. Can we please go see the presidents?

Me: Just let me see what they do to Frankenstein’s face first. Then we’ll go, I swear.

I finally pulled myself away from the movie and started showing Dora around

Me: So these are our Founding Father

and they were notorious for having delicate, lovely hands.

Me: And these are the kind of parties they had back in the day. No ruffies or beer….

…..Just good old fashioned cherry Kool-aid.

Me: Um, these are the Native Americans that gave them the land

Dora: But I thought we stole it from the Native Americans.
Me: Yeah, whatever. Let’s go see Teddy

Me: Teddy Roosevelt was famous for killing a lot of animals….and that’s about it I think

Me: This is that dude from Russia who had the big red thing painted on his forehead. I think it’s some Asian tradition….

…..He’s most famous for wood dolls though.

Me: This is Reagan. That dude who forgets stuff I think. That or he’s crazy.

…I mean, what is he looking at?

Me: Now this is Stalin, a normal looking dude, and a man with a cape on. They were all pretty good buddies.

Me: I don’t know any of these folks except for Elanor Roosevelt. She pretty much ran the country for her hubby, Frank

Dora: Hey! Who are these guys?
Me: Um… they are the ones who sent people to the moon after testing out those bubbles for space suits

Me: These are the losers who didn’t win the lottery to put their face on mountain.

Dora: Who’s that cute boy?

Me: Since when do you notice boys?
He’s probably a president’s kid.

Me: I think he’s that Johnny-Johnny kid.

Me: Well, whoever he is, his Dad is freak’n hot!

to be continued……………..

These are some things I saw in Oregon that made me laugh that are totally unrelated to each other.

I thought this was some sort of mafia dog van

not quite.

Something just didn’t seem right in this gas station

Oh, it’s the creepy hand reaching out from the ceiling to hand me a Snapple

This truck is powered by

Some strange super hero that has to pee…or is a perve

It looks like he has a boo-boo on his knee.

Nothing says home like

having a Peace-promoting frog tied up like a criminal to your front porch

This is an interesting way of saying

“BEWARE OF DOGS”

Fort Lewis is a teeny tiny town in Colorado. I’m pretty sure this is the only public Elementry School. I wonder who used to be managing other than the government.