Monthly Archives: July 2009

After hours of searching, I finally found Dora up to no good again.

Me: Dora, what the crap are you doing? You know we can’t get mail. The post office doesn’t recognize a liscense plate as a legitimate address.

And get off of him. Don’t be so annoying.

Dora: But I like him. And he’s lonely.

Tin Man: I like you too little girl. And your English is so good!
Dora: It’s my first language Mister. I’m American.
Tin Man (to me): She’s adorable. Can I keep her?

Me: Yeah, that’s what I thought when I first met her. Don’t be fooled. She’s a real piece of work, that one.

Come on Dora. The Mustard Museum awaits us.

Tin Man: But……

TIn Man: I’m so lonely out here on the road. DORA!!!!!!!!!!! Me mucho sad-o. Pleeeeeease come back!!!…….

Me: Hey, Dora. Did you hear something?

I came across this terrifying sight in Polson, Montana today.

Driving Naked and being chopped in half. I’m officially scared of driving drunk now.

Dora and I were tired from traveling one day. We sat to rest for just a minute. The rest of the story speaks for itself.

We calmed down once we realized he was just guarding this Harley Davidson Store, not trying to murder us.

Best almost-chopped-up-with-an-ax Day of Summer Tour 2009 ever!

Dora and I were driving down the highway one day and came across this sign

I couldn’t believe Old MacDonald was a real person with an actual farm.

Dora had just learned that song in school last year, so of course she started singing it (cuz she’s the kind of annoying kid who would do that)

Dora: Old Mac-Donald had a farm.

Dora: And on his farm he had some

….Turkeys…..geese…..

….pigs……sheep…..

bottle babies…..

Pygmy goats….donkeys…..Scottish Highlander……

….miniture horses…

Goats…..on a bridge……

Me: Shut up Dora. I hate that song.

Although I didn’t have enough money to waist on such a stupid amusement park, I convinced Dora it was because of her height. She was super bummed, although she doesn’t look so in this picture

Me: Sorry your height ruined it for both of us Dora. Oh well. I guess we’ll just have to keep moving
Dora: Wait. Please, Miss. Can we please just go take a picture with the piggies? Really quick?

Me: Okay. You know how much I love pictures.

But Dora was careless and the next thing I know

her head fell off in the pig pen.

Me: Great Dora. How the hell am I supposed to get your head back now? I can’t afford to pay all that money to go inside just to get your stupid head

Just then, I noticed the people behind the fence.

Me: Hey, Mister. Can you please hand me my Piniata’s head?

The apathetic Dad was too busy doing business to hear me.

Old Drunk Man: You need something Miss?

Me: Um yeah, can you get my piniata’s head for me?

Old Man: Sure, sure. There ya go little lady. Good as new

Dora: Hey Mister…. Will you be my new Daddy?
Old Man: Sorry, toots, but I ain’t got enough whiskey at home for the both of us.

It was a great day on Old MacDonald’s Farm

Best farm day of Summer Tour 2009 ever!!!!

To see one of my favorite farm stories from the spring, click http://melaniehamlett.com/2009/05/29/being-a-pilgrim

If you’re in NYC and want to hear some of NYC’s best storytellers, check out this show. Dora and I will be there via cyber space to join them. Maybe a cowboy will join us live from Montana too.

http://www.facebook.com/event.php?eid=100725087555&ref=mf

one of many GINORMOUS statues in America

America is a pretty religious country. Though I’m not a religious gal, my own personal spirituality is pretty important to me. This story isn’t meant to offend anyone or attack religion. It’s just me being goofy and having fun with the unusual religious stuff I find around the country.

While Dora and I travel from state to state, we’ve been noticing that every single state has stuff like this

and this for example.

We pulled into a truck stop late one night to crash. When I crawled out of my truck the next morning, I noticed Noah’s Arc in the front yard

Me: Hey Dora. This is pretty neat, huh?
Dora: Sure.

Me: Are you kidding me? It’s a giant ship at a truck stop. I think I saw a plank up there. Let’s go walk it!

Dora: I don’t wanna walk the plank. I’m scared of heights
Me: Oh, quit your bitch’n Dora. That’s all you ever do is complain.

Dora: But —
Me: Oops.

Me: Sorry Dora. I’ll save you. Hang on. Don’t drown.

Dora: This is fun!
Me: You think this is fun, wait til you see what I just thought of

Me: I’m the kind of the world.
Dora: I’ll never let go Jack.
Me: Um, get your lines right Dora. Rose doesn’t say that until the end of Titanic when Leo dies. And no offense, but Kate Winslet wasn’t a child or Latino.
Dora: You mean, Latina, Miss….I don’t understand. How come you get to play a boy then?
Me: Um, hello, Dora. We’re just pretending here.

Me: Hey, I got a great idea. Watch this.

Dora: Miss, this doesn’t seem right.
Me: What are you talking about? Remember that sign we saw on the road? I’m just imitating that Church billboard.

Dora: But, Miss, those people were just standing in front of a cross, not pretend crucifying themselves, right?

Me: Okay, whatever Dora. Can you move your arms up in the air a little?
Dora: Sure …..Wait, Miss! I don’t want to be pretend crucified.

Me: Too late. If I’m going to hell for mocking Jesus, so are you. Actually, you’re going to double hell since you’re probably Catholic.

I’m gonna go again. This is fun

Dora: Miss, I think this is really disrespectful.
Me: You’re a real stick in the mud, you know that?

Later on, I got to thinking. Maybe I would burn in double hell with Dora for mocking the crucifiction. The thought terrified me. Luckily, I came across these T-shirts at the next truck stop.

I bought this one for Dora

and this one for myself

It’s all good. Dora and I are both going to heaven again. Problem solved

Best religious day of Summer Tour 2009 EVER!

I am held over here in Wyoming awaiting the verdict on my truck. There’s something wrong the cadolitic converter (see yesterday’s post). Dora and I have been having a blast thanks to the amazing people we’ve met while killing time til Monday morning. Those stories are coming soon.

Like all the towns I’ve been to so far, Lander is hilarious. While pumping gas today, we noticed something not quite right

Every single pump at this gas station had been turned into a pimp.

I love the people of this town for distracting me from fear of the unknown as I await Summer Tour’s fait Monday morning.

Today my truck service light went on. The diagnostic said it appears to be the cadalidic converter, (remember…that $1,300 pipe I had replaced after the crack head sawed off my last one). I made it to Lander, Wyoming, where the Toyota mechanics are, but won’t know the verdict til Monday when they open. In the meantime, Dora and I are just doing our everyday normal life activities.

Like going to the Piggly Wiggly (which I used to work at back in Tennessee by the way!!!!)

Despite my distractions, I’m pretty consumed with worry about whether or not I can afford to continue this trip if I have to get another converter. But Dora, of course, never seems to worry much about anything

Sometimes I want to smack her for being so carefree all the time.

But days like today, I’m glad she keeps her chin up and trusts that everything is gonna be alright.

As much as she annoys me…..I think I’ll keep her.