My first day of Summer Tour 2009 was so exciting. I am currently at a truck stop at 2 am writing this story because I can’t go to sleep with it in my head. I mean, I almost died!
I found this amazing store in Pennsylvania today.
Little girl: Mommy look! It’s a Native American and a white man in a boat together. I thought they killed each other.
Mom: No, honey. The white man just waited for the Native American to get him to safety before killing him
White Man: Hey, what are you doing back there? Get to paddling, chief.
Native American: The name’s Paddles For Asshole.
Native American to Little Girl: You know any good jokes?
Little Girl: Yes! What did Geronimo say as he fell off the cliff?…….meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
Native American: Thanks, kid.
When I went inside, I was greeted by this man. I should have seen the forewarning of what was to come by his The Buck Stops Here apron.
The entire store was full of carcasses.
And merchandise like slutty camoflauge shirts….
and more carcasses
and camo marshmellow guns.
The store was so big, I worked up an appetite walking around it.
Luckily they had a restaurant called Campfire
I chased dinner down with some dessert from the Fudge shop
Later, I came across their furniture department
where I rode a Rocking Dog.
They had a nice cozy fire for me to warm up by
Then I watched some TV in the Playroom
where they had stuffed, stuffed animals
A long, satisfying day, indeed.
But I couldn’t sleep. I guess I was still a little cracked out from all that ritilin I had to take to drive.
I wandered around the store and started seeing all these advertisements for guns
Then I came across this group of teenage quakers (or minonites???). The old man was telling them they needed to be careful. Their lives were in danger.
I thought he was just trying to scare us
But as I wandered around the store, I started noticing something strange.
Behind this cool hearing center was a man hiding.
What on earth?
I noticed another one while checking out these cool shirts
He was hiding behind such a tiny plant
I came across this camo baby chair for hanging babies in trees
and then this informative video about suiting kids up so they can kill things from trees safely
While I was disturbed by the video itself, I was proud of the kid. Job well done!
I tried asking this guy what the deal was, but he was no help.
Outdoor Yuppie: Hey, you better get out of here…
this place is nuts. I already got a finger bit off
Just then, these guys told me to watch out behind me. The animals were coming
At first I was excited by this.
Moose
Bison
Ginormous elephants!
I wasn’t prepared for this one though
It freaked me out so bad, I ran to the elevator to hide
but it was guarded by this lion
who was also accompanied by leopards and other terryfying animals I can’t remember the names of
Just then, these lionesses came around the corner and chased after me.
I ran for my life of course
but ran right into the arms of this guy
Luckily, he got distracted by another Grizzly trying to steal his dead Moose
The last thing I expected to run into was a Polar Bear though
(I can’t tell you how much it disturbs me that this hunting store is possibly promoting the hunting of freak’n polar bears)
I found myself a place to hide until I could figure out what to do next
Then I saw this boy training to kill
I couldn’t let this stupid kid be braver than me
so I went out to get revenge
I found some wheels and set off to kill the bastards
I came across this Shooting Gallery to practice at
And wouldn’t you know those Quakers had beat me to it. Great minds think alike
After I got enough practice shooting at bottles and skunks
I went to go get myself a real gun
But they denied me at the Firearm Checkout.
This is also when I noticed the sign informing me that I had been under video surveilance the whole time.
I can’t believe that store let me take all these pictures. A special thanks to all those nice people who took some of these photos for me.
FYI, The quakers had cell phones and cameras. This shocked me. I guess I’m just ignorant.
