Monthly Archives: June 2009

My sister and I heard about a town in Florida that was all about psychics. We drove several hours out of our way to find this place. When we first got there, we took a stroll down this street

We got a little tired from our walk and needed a snack. Luckily the psychic stores predicted our needs.

Cold beverages and snacks!

Unfortunately, they didn’t predict how late my sister and I always run. Everything in this town was closed by the time we got there.

So we continued walking and found this neat park nearby

but even it was about to close

Just then, I remembered I needed to buy some stamps to mail my bills

But of course the post office was closed.

Oh, but wait. What was that amazing purple building behind it?

I really wanted to know what all was included in the “stuff” they sold

but they too were closed

TO BE CONTINUED……..

Last October, I was climbing In Joshua Tree, California during the campaigns

The weather was perfect,

The climbing was perfect

The hot green pants were perfect.  This place was heaven on earth…..

Until SHE arrived.

Sarah Palin, the worst thing that ever happened to feminism, showed up in Joshua Tree to campaign….and she was pregnant!

I don’t know how she hid that pregnancy from the rest of the world so well

She had all kinds of supporters from the moment she arrived. 

She was a favorite among Joshua Tree’s locals…

despite the fact that her campaign speeches didn’t make any sense. She spoke out against abortion, but admitted later there were exceptions to the rule….and that coat hangers were preferable.

It came as no surprise to me she was a hit with the criminally insane

and with the beef industry

But I was shocked that Middle Eastern diplomats liked her, considering how awkward she felt around them

Even the Whoopie Cushion thought she was amazing!

I got to thinking one day…

I just couldn’t let our country’s future go to shit, so I took matters into my own hands

I set up my own absentee balot voting booth so the hippies could vote against the bi-atch.

I tried to make sure this granola girl was voting right

but I had a hard time seeing

….so I tried another angle

I couldn’t believe it! EVEN SHE was voting for Palin.

Then something in me just snapped and I lost control

Obama would surely win. I daydreamed about the day our country would make history….

then I realized I’d just murdered someone with a pencil

I ditched the body

took the ballot to assure it got counted

Put on my disguise

And got the fuck out of there!

YES WE DID!!!!!!!!

I finally got a loan to cover my truck and computer. Looks like Sumer Tour 2009 is back on its way. Meet my new boyfriend. The stories will be up and running ASAP!

Me: Mac, I’m in love with you already.
Mac: Oh, you’re one of those kind of girls. Just my F@#cking luck.

When  I turned the key in my ignition last night, my engine sounded like  one of those annoying motorcycles that tries to be loud.  I’ve been worried for weeks that my truck would either a) break down or b) get stolen before I could leave for Summer Tour 2009. So worried that I’ve been parking on streets based on my prediction of the  likelihood of a truck getting stolen there.  Worry is a yummy bone my mind loves to chew on when I’m not sleeping or actively engaged in something.  After losing my job and mourning my computer’s death this week, this seemed only appropriate.  Things happen in 3′s right?

My nice mechanic got me in right away this morning.  Poor truck felt a little violated being up in the air exposed like that.

Me: I don’t know what happened.  When I parked her the other night, she was fine.  Then last night, she was  all crazy like.

Nice Mechanic: Yeah, I could hear you com’n from a mile away.  Geez!

Five minutes later, Nice Mechanic came and got me

Nice Mechanic: You gotta come see this for yourself.  You’re not gonna believe this

(excited by this “unbelievable” thing, I ran after him…then came to my senses)

Me: What you just said terrifies me

Nice Mechanic: What’s missing in this picture?

Me: Um…..Give me a second. I never look under my own truck.

I usually love pop quizzes, but this one was no fun

 Me: (3 minutes later). Oh, that pipe looks weird.

Nice Mechanic: Weird? Try missing. 

Me: So where did it go?

Nice Mechanic: Where do you think it went? It was stolen. You see it’s holder just hanging down like that?

Me: Yes! I see it!

Nice Mechanic: And the way the pipe was cut clean like that?

Me: Uh, huh.

Nice Mechanic:  Someone crawled under your truck while it was parked and sawed the 3ft long converter off your truck. I mean, I’ve heard of this on ABC news before.  How crackheads are stealing these parts cuz they got platinum on the inside…

Me (to myself): Platinum?  Like my  fake wedding ring I got from my Craigslist husband (see Craigslist Game Party #4 for reference).

Nice Mechanic: …and selling them to scrap yards for like fifteen bucks. I’ve heard of this kinda thing happening, but I never seen it. You’re the first one I know of.

Me (to myself):  That’s kinda cool I’m the first at something, even though it’s fucked up.

Me:  So, how much does a 3ft converter pipe go for these days?

Fifteen minutes and two phone calls later, Nice Mechanic comes back.

Nice Mechanic: $1,300. 

Then

Me (to pretend Crackhead in front of me): F%#k you, you f@%cking crackhead f%&k —(bleep), —-(bleep) (EDIT HERE)

Mechanic: This was the third thing that happened this week? Well, at least you’re set for awhile. 

Me: I like the way you think. 

More determined than ever, I am going to do everything I can to make this trip happen. My worst fear didn’t come true. My truck didn’t get stolen.  Only part of it.

 SUMMER TOUR, FUCK YEAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Thanks again to my roommate who let me borrow her computer until I can afford a new one.  

My roommate was kind enough to let me borrow her computer today until I can get a new one. Many thanks to her for this story being uploaded!

A couple months ago, I answered an ad on craigslist to play games with a bunch of men I didn’t know. I have gone four times and it just keeps getting better. I’m always the only woman there. Despite the recent Craigslist murders, I’m still playing games and hoping I don’t get murdered. This is what happened this week:

After an intense game of Password, I went to get away from everyone for a minute.  My surrogate Grandpa and had just gotten into another one of our fights.   So I got to thinking…..

Me (to myself): What the fuck is wrong with me?  I am a 31 yr old woman playing Cranium with people I met on craigslist on a Saturday night.

Just then, one of the new guys I’d just met came over.

New Guy: Melanie…that’s your name right???

Me: Yep.

New Guy: Okay. Phew.  Um, well, You see, I was waiting for my turn in the game when I  looked over and saw you. That’s when I realized I didn’t care when it was my turn to roll the dice.  The only thing I wanna  roll is you, baby. No one else has ever made me indifferent to  Cranium.  I know this may seem crazy cuz you barely know me, but I love you. Will you marry me?

ME: Oh my God!  Really? ……YEAH…. HELL YEAH!!!!

ME (to myself): No more nights with the rabbit.

I have never been much of a crier.  I couldn’t hold back though.

I asked my surrogate Grandpa if he’d give me away.  The Game Master (my surrogate Dad) had run out for pizza.

When  I walked in and saw my future husband and our priest, I almost passed out with nerves.

Grampa asked them to get a fan for me.

And I perked right up!

Me: Grampa, do you think Game Master will be upset he’s missing the wedding?

Grandpa: Dear, you let me worry about him.  This is your special day. Not his.

Gradpa (to himself): That asshole better bring back no anchovies this time. Sonofabitch knows I hate anchovies.

We were both a bundle of nerves. I even forgot to give my flowers away.

I almost lost it when it came time to exchange rings.  

I couldn’t believe he knew I loved imaginary platinum!  

I had a hard time concentrating when it came time to say our vows.

The painting behind New Guy was just so interesting.

Preacher: By the powers invested in me, the state of New York, and the  255 Party Games To Play Book, I now declare you Husband and Wife! You may now kiss the bride!!!!

Preacher (to himself):  Yeah.  Get her. Shove that shit down her throat man.

Me: Grandpa! Don’t cry!  Look, I’m finally married!!!!!  

Granpa: Oh, sweetheart, they’re tears of joy. That’s all. Old men can cry too, ya know

Grandpa (to himself): That bag of dicks better be here soon with the pizza before I eat my fucking fist.

Just then, Game Master returned.  And boy was he pissed!!!!

Game Master: How could you?  Not only did you ruin my surrogate daughter’s life in the half hour I was gone, but you disrespected the sacred text of Game Night. 

Game Master (to himself): I’ll never get to rock her to sleep with a story again.  What has my baby done?

Game Master:  You!  It’s all your fault!  You’re banned from Game Night….FOREVER, New Guy!!!!!!!!!

New Guy: Mother fuck’n shit! …..Wait, I’ll get an annulment.

Me:  See! I told you  he’d be upset, Grandpa! I hate you all! I’m going home to play with my fucking rabbit now.  I hope you’re happy!  I’ll be single forever now.  You’ve ruined my life!

Grandpa: Calm down, Dear. Have some pizza. There’s no anchovies.

To see more craigslist adventures like this:

click:
http://melaniehamlett.com/2009/04/16/69/

or to see any of the other craigslist game parties or other adventures, click on CRAIGSLIST ADVENTURES at the very top of the page.