Monthly Archives: June 2009

In case you’re new to these stories, I starting going to game night with a bunch of middle-aged nice men I found after answering an ad on craigslist entitled “Come to My Game Party.” This is the final chapter of a six episode dramatic series of my life with the Game Master.

I handn’t seen the Game Master in awhile. I was mad at him because he murdered my sister last time I was there.

He was glad to see me. He was even happier to see there’d be another person to play games with him soon

Game Master: You look great! And you even smell pregnant

Me: Don’t touch me. I’m trying to stay mad at you.

Just as we were making our way over to the card table, something felt strange

and then my water broke

Game Master: Take a seat, dear. This baby is coming out and I’m gonna deliver it.
Me: Oh, God, Game Master. I’m so scared!

Game Master: Not to worry. I played a gynecologist on Law & Order once.
(Game Master is a professional background actor)


It was the most painful thing I’d ever felt. I screamed profanities at The Game Master.

He thought I needed some coaching and moral support.
Game Master: One, Two, Three, Four. I declare a pushing war. Puuuuuush! Puuuuush!! Gooooooooooo, Melanie!

Me: Shut. Up.

Game Master: One potato, two potato, three potato, four. One head here, now one more.

Me: First of all, don’t touch my face. Secondly, your songs don’t even make any sense. Will ya just shut your hole?
Game Master: I think you’re the one having a problem shutting your hole. Hee hee.

Just then, the baby came out.

And I couldn’t believe what I saw

A bear.
Wearing pajamas

Game Master: Well, hello bear! Hey… Bear rhymes with Cher. I love Cher! Do you believe in love after love?
Me: Give him to me

Game Master: Just a second. First I have to do medical procedures. When I auditioned for a doctor on ER, I had to deliver a baby and then smack it on the back. Just like this

Me: Oh, he’s beautiful. I think I’ll name him….

….BEAR.

After a few minutes of bonding, my maternal instinct told me Bear was hungry.

Boy was I right! He sucked me dry!

The Game Master acted like a proud father, even though Bear wasn’t his

I was gonna be a single Mom, thanks to the Deadbeat Husband of mine who ran off not long after our wedding

I guess that’s what I get for marrying a man I met at a Game Party I found on craigslist.

I started playing with Bear once he was done nursing. I was so excited to be a Mother again. This time I’d do it right. I thought of how much fun we’d have together. Me, Bear, and The Gamemaster

But I got a little too excited, and did what I always do when I get too excited.

I threw him

He slipped right through my hands when I went to catch him

and died

Not again!

The same thing had happened two years ago when I adopted a newborn from the Cabbage Patch Hospital

and he had died

And two years before that, I’d gotten excited after climbing a great route outside of Las Vegas.

He died too.

That’s when I made the decision to give up on Motherhood. And the Game Parties for awhile.

Bear will be missed.

I have to take some time away from the Game Master too. Just seeing him is too upsetting. Maybe I’ll go back in September after I have some time to mourn.

To see the story about the Game Master murdering my sister, click
http://melaniehamlett.com/2009/06/22/craigslist-gam…eets-my-sister/

To see the craigslist wedding, click
http://melaniehamlett.com/2009/06/03/craigslist-gam…-4-the-wedding/

Trash is a big issue in NYC. Most people don’t have a clue were it goes. I think Jersey, but don’t quote me on it. Knowing where to put your trash is tricky.

Some people just leave it wherever they darn well please

New Yorkers eat a lot of bananas it seems, cuz I find them the most

This one is delicately placed in the nook of a tree

Bikes are really convieniant trash recepticals.

I think they believe it’s not as bad as throwing it on the ground

Some just hang entire bags of trash on other people’s property

Or decorate their shrubs with it

Even the dead are lazy with their trash

Mmmmm. Chicken stew!

New Yorkers are well hydrated. Finding the appropriate place to dispose of their beverage containers is sometimes a challenge though.

It’s almost like a game of tetris with soda bottles

Coffee cups fit perfectly in trees.

But since there aren’t that many trees in NYC

Electric Meters do the trick

And they fit Vitamin Water bottles perfectly, too!

Some New Yorkers are super sneaky. I noticed this one behind the machine you buy subway passes from

Now it’s time for a pop quiz. Can you find the trash in this picture?
Hint: This is a really obvious one

Unless you don’t consider shoes to be garbage

How about in this one?

Hint: Did you look up?

How about in this subway station.

Hint: Don’t forget to look up again

Here’s a tougher one

Amazing how discrete New Yorkers are, isn’t it!

Bonus Question:

This one is only for expert trash spotters

I know it’s hard to believe…

but this New Yorker went out of his/her way to hide their Polar Spring water bottle when there was a trash can only 10 feet behind it (as seen in the previous picture)

I’m gonna miss NYC this summer..

But I am not going to miss this next picture of the most offensive thing I’ve ever come across in my life.

WARNING: IF YOU HAVE A WEAK STOMACH, DO NOT LOOK AT THIS LAST PICTURE!!!

Yes, this is what you think it is…and we all had to try our best to step over it to get out of the subway. Just when you fall in love with such a difficult city, you get human diarrhea all over your Crocs.

Public Urination and Graffiti

But graffiti the most.

It seems like this one was done by someone in a suit maybe

I can’t figure out if this is someone’s name

or if they’re just really hungry

This just looks like typical graffiti…

but it’s actually a message from God

God speaks through vandalism on the stairs

and even in the Cargo van I drove for work the other day

On the dashboard of the same cargo van was my favorite form of graffiti

Penis art

NYC graffiti artists have very different ideas of what they believe penises should look like

and they are usually drawn on the most unsuspecting bystandards

like this unhappy woman on the subway

or this college student studying for exams

They also like to turn people’s faces into penises

I can’t quite figure out if this is a penis due to the weird nostril feature

Either way, I think it’s great they at least gave him a name tag so we know his name is Greg.

They even turned this monkey’s face into a penis

Some artists don’t like putting a penis in the mouth or on their face, bur rather prefer to turn beautiful women into men.

I am really tempted to call that phone number out of curiosity

This woman from Weeds got the whole package of graffiti extravaganza

Not only an actual penis

but one in her mouth as well

And, as an added bonus, she got arm pit hair,a unibrow, one sideburn, glasses, facial hair, and a mutant tongue

Will Ferrell also got a penis in the mouth and facial hair

And this rising star got a penis in the mouth and a Hitler mustache

but someone added arm hair and a Daniile Day Loius There Will Be Blood mustache

Pink got off easy with just a Hitler stache

Speaking of Nazi’s, this poor kid got a Nazi stache, a swastika, and alien antennas

But he was part of a bigger picture. This one I found to be pretty disturbing

once I realized it was a poster for fighting epilepsy. What a strange choice to turn this group of people and the near sighted dog into Hitlers.

Nevertheless, I love New York and I’m gonna miss the constant entertainment on the subway platforms.

The last time I went to play games with the random men I met on craigslist, I ended up getting married. My surrogate Grandpa gave me away.

My family back in Tennessee had never met my new husband (or any of my craigslist friends as a matter of fact) so my sister came to represent the family and give us their blessing.

Well, my new husband couldn’t make it to Game Night this week. I didn’t want my sister to know our marriage was on the rocks, so I told her he had to do laundry that night.

I pretended to be happy, but all I could think about was drowning my husband in the bathtub if he came home smelling like Elizabeth Taylor’s White Diamonds perfume again

My sister hit it off with everyone. She’s a very likable gal.

We were one big happy family (minus my bastard husband)….

until the Game Master insisted on playing Tug-O-War with my sister.

It’s a tradition at the Game Parties for all new attendees to play this game. He usually likes to fight us himself.

But sometimes the Game Master turns us on each other. He even made me fight my surrogate Grandpa to prove my loyalty to him one time

Sis: This is so hilarious. What a funny guy you are, Game Master
Game Master: Fun in the Sun.With a gun. You’re a nun. Almost done -

Me: Sis! Watch out! He’s starting that rhyming game he does right before he’s about to murd–
Game Master: Shut up or you’re next

Even as he was taking my sister down, she still thought it was all a game. (She didn’t understand that a “game” in his mind encompassed a wide range of activities, from cranium, to rhyming, to murdering people).

and before I knew it..

she was dead.

Game Master: Please don’t hate. Wanna date? In Kuwait. Interest rate —

Me: YOU BASTARD!!!!!!!!!
Not only was my marriage failing, but now my best friend/sister was dead. And that’s when a rage came over me. NOBODY MURDERS MY SISTER! NOBODY!

I grabbed the Tug-O-War rope (which was really the waiste strap from a bathrobe)

and strangled the shit out of him

Game Master: Lactate… Milk crate…

Game Master: Pol–lin–ate…..

He was dead.

I did my celebration dance.

I’d finally gotten revenge on all the times he’d murdered me before.

after Tug-O-War

and when he threw me out the window.

But then I got to thinking

Am I becoming the Game Master?…. This wasn’t my first kill after all.

I’d killed a girl in Joshua Tree because she voted for Sarah Palin at the absentee ballot voting booth I’d worked at

But I’d gotten away with it because I’d hidden the body so well

And now this!

MY GOD! I’M A MONSTER!

To see the entire story of murdering someone who voted for Palin, click
http://melaniehamlett.com/2009/06/09/i-met-sarah-pa…in-joshua-tree/

To see the Game Party he threw me out the window, click:
http://melaniehamlett.com/2009/04/16/69

To see any of the other stories with the game master
http://melaniehamlett.com/past-craigslist-adventures-beyond/

A week and a half ago, I was devastated when someone sawed a $1,300 pipe off my truck in the middle of the night.

I thought Summer Tour 2009 was over.

Last night, a bunch of my friends and performers came together and auctioned off creative random adventures, talents, and themselves. One comedian, Mama Spell, wanted to give me $40. She auctioned off her money. Ted payed $30 so he could be the one to hand me Mama Spell’s $40. That’s just one example of how clever and giving my friends are.

The combination of last night’s proceeds and online donations just paid for that pipe. This is how I feel right now:

That crackhead did me a favor. I only thought I knew how wonderful my friends (and people in general) were before last night. I’m not sure how I find such great people wherever I go. My heart is so big it’s gonna explode. And I am now more dedicated than ever to my art. Thank you everyone for reading, donating, sharing, and being who you are.

SUMMER TOUR 2009 is happening July 1st. FUCK YEAH!!!!!!

If you want to see the picture story about the pipe theft, click
http://melaniehamlett.com/2009/06/05/crisis-3-this-week-my-truck/

To see some of the many prizes auctioned off, click
http://www.improvresourcecenter.com/mb/showthread.php?t=64123

If you happen to live in the NYC area and wanna see a great show, check this out:

THE HOBO SHOW – Saturday, June 20th. 6pm

Melanie Hamlett is moving back into her truck and living in parking lots across the country for the summer to do some storytelling w/her photos and videos via her website (http://www.melaniehamlett.com). Come see a great show and let her say good-bye to you. The stellar line-up includes:

Charlie Sanders (UCB allstar, Ruebin Williams, Minnesota Muslim)
John Flynn (UCB allstar, Nights of Our LIves, The Moth Storyslam Winner)
Ophira Eisenberger (Moth Host, Liar Show, endless credtis_
Adam Wade (2 time Moth GRANDslam winner, 10 time Moth Storyslam WInner)
Peter Augiero (Moth Grandslam Winner)
Jim O’Grady (Moth Grandslam WInner)
Margot Leitman (Stripped Stories, Conan O’Brian, etc)
Melanie Hamlett (Moth Storyslam Winner, Speakeasy, and www.melaniehamlett.com

Saturday, June 20th, 6pm at the Creek (right before the stand-up festival)

Since Melanie lost her job, her computer died, her camera broke, timing belt had to be changed, and a crack head sawed a $1,300 converter pipe off her truck last week, she’s having an auction comedy show afterwards of random, hilarious items and adventures from this creative community of folks (including you if you email her at wanderingnarcoleptic@gmail.com)

check out some of the prizes and adventures being auctioned off!
http://www.improvresourcecenter.com/mb/showthread.php?p=772985&posted=1#post772985

Craigslist is the only place I can find jobs these days. They usually don’t pay much but I’m determined to make sure Summer Tour 2009 happen in two weeks. So when my friends Eliot and Michael told me about the craigslist gig that paid $20 cash to be an audience member at the Bible Championship Gameshow, how could I say no?

Lucky for us, the gameshow was held at the same studio of our favorite show ever.

Before heading into the studio, we had to clear security checkpoints.

I almost didn’t notice the hand-written paper sign above the metal detector. I was pretty sure I wasn’t pregnant, so I took my chances. There was $20 at stake.

As Eliot and I sat in disbelief that we were in the same place Maury had been just hours ago, I noticed a man in the background. Something about him was very unsettling to me.

We were then escorted to the back row bleechers by a man named Shadow. As the Garth Brooks song “The Thunder Rolls” blared over the speakers, I noticed the Holy Bible on the screen behind Eliot.

(We later found out this show is set to air on CMT, which explained why we heard the entire Garth Brooks album)

Then a comedian came out to warm up the crowd and tell us the rules. He warned that giving answers away by yelling or gesturing would be considered immoral.
“You don’t want to be the people cheating the Bible do you?”

The balding woman in front of me wrote down the rules of the game as she enjoyed a sandwhich

The announcer caught sight of the strange white haired man and started making fun of him. “You look like you should be on camera, man…But not on this show. You’d scare people.”
Then he asked where people in the audience were from.

The couple in front of me proudly announced “Jersey” between sips of their home made coffee drinks

Right before they started rolling cameras, the man with the mullet called Shadow over. Apparently, the strange white haired man was in the shot.

Host: Oh, Jesus! I don’t want this guy sitting behind me.

Moments later, Shadow moved the man several seats down so he wouldn’t be in the shot.

As the announcer introduced the two competing teams, I noticed the post-it notes on his desk. If I was the host, I would never need a cheat sheet

When the Methodist girls were asked their strategy, they replied, “I think we all know this isn’t about strategy.

Host: How’d you all pick pink to wear today?
GIrl in the Middle: It’s our lucky color.
(quickly adding) Pink that is. NOT black.

The opposing team was non-denominational. The two men did chest bumps on several occasions when celebrating a winning answer.

Announcer: Okay, teams. in the final round, you have these categories to pick from: 1)Long Live the King, 2) When I Say Adam, You Say Eve, 3)Animal Instinct, and 4) It’s the End of the World As We Know It

As the teams struggled to answer, the Jersey couple in front of us shared bite-sized Kit Kats with their neighbors

They discovered that their neighbors were professional background actors as well.

Then the dude in front of us turned around
Blue Shirt Actor (with a mouth full of Kit-Kat): I could hear you all laughing during the ENTIRE round.

What a dick!

Just then, Shadow came up to me
Shadow: Excuse me, Miss. Since you think this it’s so damn funny, why don’t you try answering some questions.
Me: Are you kidding me? I’d love to!

I didn’t know ANY of the answers, but I didn’t care. I just wanted to be famous.

Host: According to the Bible, what should you not boil a baby goat in?
Me: Olive oil?
Host:WRONG. Its mother’s milk
I actually started to panic. Losing was making me look bad.

I prayed to God for the answers, but I think God was mad at me for mocking this gameshow.

As I struggled on stage, the Jersey couple talked about a book they’d just read.

In a moment of desperation, I panned the audience. That’s when I saw the man.

He started mouthing out the answers to the rest of the questions for me.

AND I WON THE BIBLE CHAMPIONSHIP GAMESHOW!!!!!!

After the show, the host came up and congradulated me.
Announcer: If I don’t watch out, you ‘ll be taking my job soon, slugger.
Me (to myself): Yeah, cuz you suck. Give me a couple months and I’ll be the one sitting behind that desk

One day I would ask hard Bible questions and make contestants feel stupid.

On my way out of the studio, I passed my hero’s office.

One of these days….

After the show, they handed us our cash.

I was $20 richer with fame and fortune soon to follow.

On my way out of the building, I looked down and saw the man who had helped me.

Then he changed all of a sudden.
Strange Looking Man (in a demonic voice): I’ll see you again soon, Melanie

Me (to myself): Oh. God. I think I sold my soul to the devil to win the Bible Gameshow.

(Continued from yesterday’s post)

I went to Cassadaga, Florida to explore this town of psychics.

I couldn’t decide which road to go down. They both seemed equally amazing.

Almost every single house on this street had a “medium” living there

or they had spiritual things like buddah’s with mardi gras beads

Even their dormitories were spiritual

I eventually came into the town center. This lovely meditation garden offered me a chance to get grounded.

I tried to connect to my loving Goddess of the Universe

Me: What the fuck should I do now loving Goddess Spirit of the Universe?

Meditation Garden Lady Statue: Take you’re hat off for starters, you disrespectful little c—(bleep)

Meditation Garden Man Statue: Yeah. What she said.

Me: Screw you guys. Okay, what now Loving Goddess of the Universe?
Goddess: Go seek truth and a spiritual teacher. And don’t talk to me with a trucker’s hat on next time by the way

I tried to take a Course in Miracles at one of the many spiritual schools, but they weren’t open.

So I tried to go to Spiritualist Camp

But they were closed too.

I even tried to go on a Guided Walking Tour to find some spirits to talk to, but they didn’t do weeknight tours.

Then I came across a memorial to the Founding Father of this town. According to the sign, a prophesy was made when he was little that he would start this town. And he did! I ‘m not sure if that is psychic powers or the power of suggestion.

I tried to study at the school dedicated to him, but it was closed as well.
Me: What the fuck Goddess? What do you want from me? I’m trying to follow your suggestions and it’s just not working. What now?
Goddess: How bout getting a soft drink. You look parched.
Me: I was hoping you’d say that.

But of course, the cafe was closed.

I saw this and two things grabbed my attention

How come a psychic needs an alarm system? Shouldn’t a psychic be able to predict intruders?

Vending machine! Yes!

But the vending machine was out of order of course.

Oh, but wait. What’s that behind it?

BIG GULPS!!!!!! And 3 of them! There was something comforting about psychics not being too good for gallon size mugs of corn syrup.
Me: Goddess, you are so good to me!

But after 3 big gulps, I had to pee. Thank God the psychis predicted that tourists would need a public bathroom.

Me: Okay, Goddess. I’m gonna walk around this town one more time. Just give me a sign. I don’t know what I should do with myself here.

And that’s when I saw it

Me: BINGO!!! My favorite fucking game. This is why I am here, Goddess?
Goddess: You damn right it is. These psychics abuse their psychic powers when gambling, so I have made it so that they all suck at bingo. You need the money. Go get ‘em girl.