Monthly Archives: May 2009

I heard  there was a Fountain of Youth in St. Augustine. After a long day of driving, I finally came across a sign of hopePerfect, I’m on the right track!

When I came across this Trolly car, however, I wasn’t so sure.

It seemed to be everything I was NOT looking for.

I got the hell out of this parking lot and kept moving.

Then I came across this, and it gave me some more hope.

An then this planetarium.  Odd, but promising.

Hmmmmm.  Is a peacock an omen? I’m actually quite frightened by them since one bit me at a zoo when I was three years old. I still have the huge peacock feather they plucked out of the bastard to make me feel better.

Yesssssss!! The peacock was a good sign!

I knew I was close when I started seeing all the touristy stuff

I think this armored man is the official representative of the Fountain of Youth

Unfortunatley I didn’t have money to take the segway tour.

But I got to meet the armored man myself!

I hung out with him for a little while, but he was pretty boring.

I kept walking and stumbled upon the fountain of youth gift shop

A baby stroller with a Macy’s bag seemed a little out of place on such an epic adventure

Inside they were offering real fountain of youth drinking water!!!

I’m not old, but I’m not getting any younger.  To hell with crow’s feet!

Then I realized the jerks charge $3.50 for the water.

Why would Fountain of Youth water 1)smell and 2)need to be filtered? This is bullshit.

I opted for the bevvie more in my budget

I decided to continue my quest for the actual fountain. Just then a tour guide trolley came by. Perfect! They’ll know where it is.

Oh my! They found it!

You’ve got to be kidding me! THIS is the fountain of Youth?  I’ve seen more impressive fountains at Putt-Putt courses.

I was pissed and felt cheated.  I walked away thinking I’d been fooled when I came across these people.

Holy crap! That water really does work.

When I came out to the parking, the Trolley of Doom was waiting for me.   Okay God, I can take a hint.
To be continued…….

To see more crazy St. Augustine stuff from before, click below

http://melaniehamlett.com/2009/04/12/242/

On my way to go pic up Ultimate Fighters from the airport in Jersey (for a job I was doing off craigslist), I stopped at this gas station.  Jersey is a random, hilarious state that has all kinds of freaky stuff.

I asked the mechanic on duty  if he’d take a picture of me with Freddy. He agreed.

Me: “Hey there Freddy! Long time no see.  It must have been like 20 years since your last movie.  Where ya been?”

Freddy: “Well, I can’t get any movie deals. Producers think no one is afraid of me anymore. It’s all this technology stuff. Me and Jason’s careers are f’n over.”

Me: “Well, I wouldn’t say that about Jason. I still lose sleep at night over that ka-ka-ka-ka ka-ka-ka-ka-kill-kill-kill-kill-kill-kill-kill phrase he said.  You, on the other hand, just have a silly little construction worker glove with a long bl—”

Freddy: “Shut up you little whore. I oughtta put these blades up your c&@# and —-(edit here).

The gas stations man then told me I should check out the other Freddy in the back.

Me: “Dude, your twin is a real dickhead perve who can’t take criticism.”

Freddy’s twin: “Tell me about it.  I’m tired of being shoved in the back of this garage in a stupid butler’s uniform while he gets to stay out front scaring people.”

Me: “Don’t worry. He’s not actually scaring anybody.”

(This part below is not fabricated)
When I asked the mechanic on duty if I could take HIS picture with Freddy and brother, he said “No way! How do I know you aren’t some freak who’s gonna put me all over the internet.”

“Why would you think I am the freak? You’re the one with Freddy Crougar moving manaquins at your gas station.”

Two years later, I realize how right he was. I AM the freak from the internet who posts all my photos…including ones of me breastfeeding a gnome.

This experience reminded me of another time I found something unexpected at a gas station in New Mexico…

What on earth….

what are you doing here potato?

For one of my favorite gas station experiences, click below
http://melaniehamlett.com/2009/04/11/nascar-gas-station/

To see the story of me driving around ultimate fighters, click
http://melaniehamlett.com/2009/05/05/my-first-craig…imate-fighters

Queens, New York is a lot like the jungle.  Some of my neighbors have the most terrifying things in their yards.Like Pink Leopards in their trees

Wild Monkeys (and fake palm trees) next to their garages.

And tiny blue children gardening

But not everyone has wild animals. Some people just have very childish things in their yards
One of my neighbors thinks birds like little kid toys

I used to own that  Playschool Playhouse barn.

I wonder if the birds wish they too could ride the ferris wheel. I would be pissed if I was a bird.

Or the bear, who is also missing out on the fun.

Another neighbor has a tiny gnome in her backyard.

This gnome reminded me of my past. 

I adopted a gnome when I lived in the office cubicles with 12 people. He was wildly popular with my roommates.  Gnome used to love sitting in the window and stare at the N train going by. He was very happy.

A lot of people said we looked alike. Nonetheless we both loved wearing the color green.

Sometimes Gnome would have bad dreams.

I would sing him to sleep.

But Breast-feeding was my favorite part of motherhood.

It reminded me of what it must have been like to be a baby in my mother’s arms.

Unfortunately, Gnome fell out the window while watching the train one day. All I have is this photo of the most tender moment we shared together to hold on to.

(I don’t know how to use photoshop like the Game Master from craigslist unfortunatley).  Incase you are wondering who that bald man is, click on the links below. He is one of the random dudes I  play games with. I met him on one of my craigslist adventures.

Two of these craigslist adventures are in order below:

http://melaniehamlett.com/2009/04/16/69/

/melaniehamlett.com/2009/04/26/craigslist-gam…-im-so-ashamed/

I stopped by this gas station to get some coffee. Ooooh! Look, a Limo getting a car wash!

They underestimate our intelligence.

Signs like these make me not read signs as much, which means I miss really important ones like No Overnight Parking

Inside the Quickie Mart, I found all kinds of coffee options

Wow! This lady is everywhere!

When I rounded the corner, I saw this. What a buzzkill. I think someone who hates children owns this building

Reminds me of Jones Beach, which is also run by people who hate fun

I kept walking and was struck by this sign

hmmmmmm

ahhhhh. Haaaaapy Plaaaaaaace.

Nope. Nestle’s Quick is not my happy place.

I am deathly allergic to sugar. And I have no insurance b/c no one will insure you once you’ve been dropped by one health insurance company. Reason for dropping me: being bulimic and narcoleptic. Not sure what that had to do with my knee surgery, but oh well!

People like me avoid doctors so that Emergency rooms become the final resort. But, I have fun everywhere I go. Emergency Rooms are no exception

I like to take family portraits everywhere I go.

Bill mocked me and pretended to be the one who couldn’t stop throwing up. This made me feel better.

They mocked me for my narcolepsy too. This also made me feel better.

They eventually realized I’m wasn’t asleep, but dead.

Pop quiz:
The reason I was pretend dead:

a) I wanted to play a really mean trick on the staff

b) I was just doing what I always do…think of funny pictures to take

c) I thought of a brilliant way to actually get a doctor to come over to me in a crowded, understaffed hospital in Queens.

Unfortunatley, I am not smart enough to come up with c. Fortunately, I’m not mean enough to come up with a. So the answer is b.

Oh, look. It’s BEYONCE!

Oh, boy. She’s got a pretty graphic penis in her mouth. Usually the penis drawings look like 5 yr olds drew them….but this one is so real looking it’s almost pronographic.

She’s also got semen all over her face. Poor girl.

I keep waiting to see the day when a vagina is shoved in someone’s face, but I haven’t seen it yet.

If you want to see just how funny New Yorkers get with this stuff, click below for my whole collection
http://melaniehamlett.com/2009/04/14/graffiti-artists-must-be-13-yrold-boys/