I heard there were mermaids in Florida. After driving two hours trying to find these Mermaids, I came across this sign
Holy Crap! I found them! I couldn’t believe they’d been around since 1947!!!
Weeki Wachee was the only city in the entire world with live mermaids
It was conveniently located next to a CVS. Thank God cuz I forgot sunscreen.
When I got to the gate, I couldn’t get in because it costs $35. That fee included the waterpark, which I wasn’t even interested in going to.
As I walked away, I noticed this statue
At first I thought it was beautiful
Then I looked a little closer
Those aren’t mermaids!
They’re just naked chics with unusually large hands. And their fins aren’t even real. They’re tied to their feet with a rope!
I was little insulted. But then I came across some real mermaids and I felt momentarily releived.
Me: Finally! A mermaid with a tail. But of course she’s not wearing a top. What is it with this place? It’s like a soft porn amusement park with fake mermaids.
Mermaid #1: Um, excuse me. Don’t be call’n these fake. I payed good money for this rack
Me: I wasn’t calling your boobs fake. I just think this place is a sham.
Mermaid #1: Yeah, whatever. Move along sister.
I kept walking when this one stopped me.
Mermaid #2: You have a problem with boobs do ya?
Me: Who me? No. I love boobs. I have a pair myself. I just think it’s messed up. I mean, those other chicks up in the air are completely naked and y’all aren’t even wearing your sea shell bikinis like you’re supposed to.
Mermaid #2: Maybe we don’t want to. Ever think about that?
Me: Oh, come on. Don’t you think people will respect you more if you keep those things covered?
Mermaid #2: No
Me: Here, just see what it’s like. I promise, clothes are comfy.
Mermaid #2: No, I really -
Me: See! Turquoise is your color! You look fabulous!
Mermaid #2: I feel like an idiot
Me: Oh, stop it. Let’s take a picture. It lasts longer. Say “Boobies.”
Both of us ( in unison): Boobies (but Mermaid #2 sounded forced)
Mermaid #2: No. I can’t do this. Take it off.
Me: What? No way. You look great! You’re just self-conscience. Sure you’ve got headlight going on down there. I better watch out. Those things are so sharp you might stab me if I’m not caref-….
Mermaid #2: TAKE THIS FUCKING SHIRT OFF BEFORE I SLAP YOU ACROSS THE FACE WITH MY FIN, YOU JUDGEMENTAL, PRUDISH, LITTLE C-(bleep)
Me: Ooo-kaaaay. Chill sister. I’ll take it off. Here, let’s take another picture. One without the shirt, okay? Just for you.
Me: Does that make you happy? You’re not mad at me right? We’re good….right? I mean, look. My bathing suit is falling off. See, I can look like a slut too. I-…
Mermaid #2: That‘s enough, I think you should leave. I need some space.
Me: Okay. That’s cool. I’ll just sit over here.
Me: Just let me know when you’re done needing your space.
Mermaid #2: That’s not enough. I think you should leave the mermaid park entirely.
Me: Okay. Fine. It’s your home. Your lifestyle. I worry about you. But I’ll go. Far be it for me to tell you what to do.
Mermaid #2: PLEASE LEAVE!!!
I left. A mile down the road, I passed this place.
Now it all made sense. No wonder they were so comfortable without their shirts on. They had all been hired from this place.
If you enjoyed this story, there’s a good chance you’ll enjoy this one:
http://melaniehamlett.com/2009/04/30/tourists-can-be-douchebags/
