Monthly Archives: April 2009

My first trip to Maine was pretty uneventful.  I just drove around mostly.  But I stopped at this little picnic area on the side of the road.  I went to go use their restroom and almost had a heart attack when I saw the dude on the left.

Dude: “Don’t worry. My dog doesnt’ bite.”

I don’t care what he said, that dog was freak’n MEAN looking

Then I got stopped by another guy

I almost didn’t even see him.

Little Guy: “Welcome!

When I came out of the bathroom, I noticed this guy on my left.  I didn’t ask why, but I’m pretty sure his job was to guard the hot water heater.  Poor guy.

But he took his job very seriously and didn’t feel the need to talk to tourists

I went to get a Coke, but this guy was guarding the machine. Apparently punk teenagers kept trying that trick where they tape a dollar bill and pull it out after the machine eats it (like a leash).

Coke Machine Guy:  “This job is fucking boring.”

Me : “I hear you man. I used to be a Production Assistant when I first started working in film industry. My job would be to “firewatch” a door for 12 hours straight. I not only hated myself at the end of the day, but the job made me stupider.”

Coke Machine Guy: “What’s the daily rate as a PA.?”

Me: ” Oh, I don’t know.  $100 if you’re lucky, bu—    HOLY SHIT! Is that Captain Hook from Peter Pan????!!!!!!!!!!!”

Coke Machine Guy: “No, he’s a tool who think’s he’s Orlando Blooom.”

Come to find out, pirate man is a professional background actor and an Orlando Bloom stand-in.

But, he has an ego as if he’s actually an actor.  Coke machine Guy wasn’t kidding. This guy IS a douche.  I won’t tell you what he wanted to do to me with that hook of his.

Then I came across this guy.

Lady Tourist: “I know! Can you believe how much it costs to board my Pug? It cost more money than this trip, I tell ya.”

Annoyed Guy: “See this rope in my hand? I’m gonna hang that bitch with it if she doesn’t shut up about that dog.”

Tourist Lady with the hat: “Oh, Janet!  That’s why you should just bring him along! Would you look at these Indians! They’re so inappropriately dressed. What if I had brought Lily with us? What would I tell a two year old about their thinga-ma-jiggies hanging out like that?”

Annoyed Guy:  “Thank God that bitch has HER clothes on.  Hey, can you get me a coke.”

“Yeah, me too, sexy thang.”

I turned around and saw the hottest dude! Yum!

Sexy Dude: “You drive up this highway often?  I’ve been waiting all day for you to come say hi.”

Me: “I just got here. You say that to everything with boobs I’m sure.”

Sexy Guy: “I particularly love small boobies like yours though. Do you like my guns?  I work out everyday you know. The things I could do to you with this bow and arr-…. (edit here).

Me: “You and the pirate should hang out.”

On my way to go get a beverage for Annoyed Guy, I ran into this man.

Me:  “Hi, how are you?

Curious Guy: “Not now, I’m busy,”

Old Tourist Lady to Daughter: “Keep an eye on your purse, keep those legs crossed, and pretend to read your book, dear. These savages wanna you-know-what you.”

Daughter: “Whatever, Mom. They’re Native Americans, by the way. Not savages.  And the only perve here is the that Orlando Bloom look alike.”

Curious Dude to himself: “I wish these ladies pretending to read books would shut the f#@k up! I can’t hear if those two hot bitches are talking about me or not. ….. And that old man snoring is really about to get on my last nerve.”

(Old Man is only pretending to sleep to avoid having to talk to his wife).

I had a great visit  to Maine. I can’t wait to go back. I got the Coke Machine guy a gig as a PA on Law and Order! He LOVES it.  And now we’re dating.

I answered this posting off craiglists:

Seeking healthy normal smokers/non-smokers 18 years or older. Participants will be part of a study looking for precursors to lung disease. Offering $50 compensation for screening consisting of a physical exam, Electrocardiogram (EKG), blood, urine tests, breathing test and chest x-ray, and if eligible $200 for bronchoscopy.

I haven’t had health insurance in 5 years because an insurance company dropped when I tore my ACL in a skiing accident. I am still paying off that $23.000 surgery. I was also an unemployed freelancer in January. $50 sounded amazing!!!!!!!!

I later found out the $200 bronchoscopy requires being put under and an overnight stay at the hospital. I lost interest in advancing to the next round. But I had fun …especially when I realized I got to sit in a glass box that looks like it’s from a gameshow!

Once the nurse closed the door, I had to:

-put a nose clip on and bite on a snorkel-like thing
-do a series of deep breathing exercises and fog up the phone booth
-pant while putting my hands to my cheeks Home Alone style
-take several rounds of albuterol (the asthma inhaler) even though I’m not asthmatic)

This was starting to not be worth the $50.

Narcoleptic spells in the gas chamber

view from inside the gas chamber

THe nurse who took these pictures asked if I was gonna put them on facebook.

First time to a Doctor (besides that emergency room visit in 2005) in over five years. This is very exciting!!!!

Lung Research Sex Kitten

Lung Research Porn

Lung Research Narcolepsy
(reinactment of actual occurance)

To see my adventures in the Emergemcy Room, click
http://melaniehamlett.com/2009/05/05/adventures-in-…emergency-room/

I haven’t been to The Empire State’s Building, Rockafeller Center, Statue of Liberty, or any of the tourist attractions here in New York City…..except the restaurant from Seinfeld

I was totally unimpressed UNTIL I saw this amazing eagle painting. I can’t figure out why it’s crying.

Such a bold name. I get the feeling they won’t live up to their name.

Bunkie (????) Beds? And what about us freelancers who usually end up owing money? Will they cut us a deal?

This company was either brilliant or lazy when thinking of their name.

I haven’t a clue what this business is. Anyone else know?

Speaking of weird religious stuff…

I can’t take credit for this photo. My buddy Nic gave it to me years ago. I only WISH I knew where it was taken. My guess…a church parking lot. Or that store seen above.

I needed a lot of this stuff after taking those photos with the Craigslist Game Master guy.

Since answering the add “Come to My Game Party” on cragislist, the “Game Master” (as he likes to be called) has been sending me pictures we take at the game party every week. Last week we took pics of me being rocked like a baby on his lap….which was the most awkward thing I’ve ever done (even though I do think the pictures are hilarious) Being a little disturbed by last weeks photo shoot, I took the week off. He is such a nice man, but it was an awkward thing nonetheless. He sent me pics of the game party I missed this week attached to an email saying “Who will be crowned Miss Game Party 2009?” This is one of them

I don’t know if he had a coffin at his house this week or if he took this picture elsewhere. I also think it’s funny that it’s MISS Game Party. I’m the only woman who attends these parties…and a pretty tomboyish woman actually. To see the last game party mentioned above, click below
http://melaniehamlett.com/2009/04/26/craigslist-gam…-im-so-ashamed/

This is one of the photos:

California is an amazingly beautiful state. But it also has more sketchy military stuff going on that any other state in the union (except New Mexico, where I also used to live). While driving along this road in California, you not only have to watch out for hummers and tanks racing across the road like deer, but you also have to keep an eye open for donkeys. My friend/coworker hit a donkey on his way back from our canoe trip. California is DANGEROUS!

In a tiny town in Northern Ireland, I hung out in a pub with a bunch of locals. When I came out of the women’s restroom upstairs, this is what I was faced with: Jesus staring at me. I felt like he had been hiding in the corner, just waiting to remind me to behave before heading back to a crowd of persistant, drunk, Irishmen. Jesus and the fire extinguisher are there to put out two different kind of fires I suppose. I only wish I would have looked in that blue bag.

This means “let’s kiss” in Swedish. It was at the airport in Stockholm. It’s a big hit among Americans of course

I know it’s to raise awareness for breat cancer, but I just can’t take a pink cement truck seriously. This was in Yonkers, New York….one of the strangest places I know.

This funny person is a little too bossy and wordy.

Key West, Florida 2006

This pair of handcuffs dangling in the window in front of a cat should have been our first clue this would be a bizarre restaurant.Every single window had some crazy ass bondage barbie hung up.  This Barbie is into bondage and handcuffs, but of course her ankle cuffs are pink

That whip and spike dog collar are over the top… even in human standards. I can’t figure out if the alligator to the right is part of the bondage thing or just a coincidence.

She’s got a cute little  purse.

I can’t figure out why their hair looks like they’re hanging upside down

THe others were funny. This one…creepy.

I was walking around NYC one day. I looked up to get my bearings and ….

something seemed creepily familiar

My god. They’re back…only more liberated…. and hanging from a noose.

Both of them are self proclaimed New Yorker’s, and one claims to be one of “Knucklehead’s kids”

This one “fucked SHAN POO.” Either that’s the name of a Rapper, or she is being a stereotypical dumb blonde Barbie who can’t spell the word Shampoo. Although not stereotypical in the fact that she has sex with toiletries.

To see the whole collection of Bathroom photos, go to
http://melaniehamlett.com/2009/04/10/bathroom-adventures-and-beyond/

Click here to see more from awhile back Permalink:

http://melaniehamlett.com/2009/04/09/hot-dog/