Melanie Hamlett – Wandering Narcoleptic

One day I was walking around Hollywood

when my world fell apart

Shrek is a just a lazy hipster in tights!

While wandering around the island of St. Martin awhile back, I found two things I wasn’t expecting at the Kentucky Fried Chicken

1) God

2) Five dollar Chocolate cake!!!!!

The other day I was in this bathroom in NYC. I was so excited to find another person who loves licking things

that I almost licked the contact info right off the door. Oops!

I came to my senses and decided not to call Patricia. I mean, what kind of freak puts their phone number on a bathroom door!

I came across this motel in Gatlinburg, Tennessee

I’m not sure if it’s just being really honest or lack self esteem

S.F. stands for a lot of things: San Francisco, Santa Fe, Seatbelt Fastener

But in Colorado, it stands for my favorite name for a store

which even has a cigarette drive-thru!

One day I was driving down this dirt road in Kansas when I saw something in the distance

It was a giant red tower

and a house made of trash!

Even the car I parked next to was full of trash

I looked up and discovered these odd people staring at me from the tower, which is when I also realized I was at a museum!

When I went inside to check it out, I was greeted by the cutest old man

Trash Man: I’ll give you free admission to this here museum if you can guess what these red things are
Me: earrings?
Trash Man: Good guess, but no. They’re clips for a rooster’s beak.

Trash Man: Okay, I’ll give you one more chance to get in for free. What are these?
Me: femur bones?

Trash Man: Nice try. Actually, they’re walrus private parts. That will be $1 admission, please.

I paid my dollar and followed signs for the tower

The first room I came to was the “Blue Room,” which had a train set and random junk. Pretty boring.

But then I came to the red room,

where I found those people who’d been staring at me

Apparently, they’d had issues with people trying to touch them

In the red room there were steep stairs leading up to the tower

When I finally got to the top

I found the decapitated people

I’d noticed from the ground

and met some new friends.

Me: Hello! Crazy Museum, huh?

Couple: Sure is. Hey, did you guess the walrus penis?
Me: No! I’m so glad I’m not the only one!

I didn’t really care too much for the view of six states

because the Trash Man’s backyard was way more interesting

It was covered in piles of bottles

Actually, as I explored the museum more, I noticed Trash Man had an odd obsession with bottles

and dolls

He was even selling them for way more than they’re worth

along with other overpriced junk

like $15 cereal boxes

and $25 Barbie record players.

He even charged for vandalism!

Just when I thought I’d seen enough, I came across this sign

which took me through a cave

an into a room with the missing heads from the people on the roof.

That’s also where I met these people playing cards. They asked me to join them

It was only after the third hand that I realized they were crooks

Just then the lady (who was incredibly drunk) told me to give her all my money

Since her drunk husband (with the messed up beard) handn’t been paying attention,

I was able to steal his gun

right from under his discolored nose

I refused to play cards with them anymore, but offered to play a song to make peace between us.

The Trash Man heard me playing and decided to join us.

We were having a good ole time until, right in the middle of my Desperato ballad,

homeboy tried to make a pass at me

So I clocked him

His wife was jealous, so she asked us to leave

which was fine by me. Trash Man and I didn’t need them to have fun anyways.

Me: Hey, you know this has been fun, but I should really get going.
Trash Man: Well, before you leave, I wanna give you a chance to earn back your dollar
Me: Okay, what do I have to do

Trash Man: Just put this knife through your hand

Me: OUCH! Ok, now can I have my dollar back?
Trash Man: Sure. Will you hold this snake while I check the register

Me: Um..

Trash Man: Don’t be afraid. You can pet rattle snakes.

Little Boy: Mommy, that lady is going to die isn’t she?
Mom: Yes, darling, she is.

I didn’t die, actually. I just had another narcolptic spell. (That happens when I have overwhelming emotions)

When I woke up, I was staring down the barrel of a shot gun

Trash Man: How bad do you want that dollar? Bad enough to let me shoot you?

Me: No, keep the money. Please just let me go.
Trash Man: I’ll let you leave in one piece under one conidtion
Me: What? Anything

Trash Man: Don’t ever tell anyone the answer to the walrus penis quiz.
Me: AGREED!

If you ever go to this museum, please pretend like you don’t know the answer to the walrus question and just pay the dollar.

In Memphis, Tennessee, you can find Bluegrass Festivals, Party Stores

and Jesus!

(I’m curious which church is foot’n the bill for the Jesus ad though)

The word fragile makes some people think of

unaborted babies

But when I see the word fragile, I think of

the sexy leg lamp from A Christmas Story.

And wouldn’t you know, I found an entire bar full of them in Nashville!

A popular license plate in Tennessee

Something about those chains makes me think this Pro-Lifer is also a Metallica fan

This church is in Trenton, Tennessee

I love games!!!!!!!!